Wednesday, December 30, 2015

"Citizen Ex.."

There's a good chance I'll be getting deported soon. Part of me thinks it'll suck, the other part fully understands. I'm fairly sure getting deported will hamper my bid for Presidency in 2020 though. I think that violates the conditions for running. For now at least. 
Some of you are probably shocked right now thinking "dear god, what's he done NOW?!"  Don't worry though, I've not broken any laws that are on the books just yet. It's the "unspoken rules" I've violated.  

See, I woke up this morning and checked my google+ account and Facebook just as I normally do. And that's when it hit me. I realized I wasn't offended by anything I saw. How unAmerican. Positively unpatriotic of me, not being up in arms over anything. 
I saw posts about a Muslim who feels discriminated against because her job required her to serve alcohol. Even though that was a job requirement when she took the job. Rather than just finding a job that fits her beliefs she felt the company should conform to her. So she's suing the airline for being upset that she won't do the job she was hired to do. 

Did that offend me? Nope. Par for the course here in the U.S. of A. If you don't want to do something, just cry "discrimination" and the country will flock to your side and demand an apology. Common sense just goes out the window in the interest of being the "happy feelings" country. 

I saw videos where people were protesting a violent criminal's death by breaking the law. Was I shocked? Not even a little. It's a well known fact we Americans should be able to break the law without risk of the police hampering our efforts. In fact...

I read where our President sent people and condolences to the thug's funeral and claimed we have a "police brutality" issue but neglected that we have a "violent thugs getting what's coming to them" issue. Which is really the larger problem. 
The same President who had a noted absence at any funerals for murdered police officers. Because this is America. "Home of the Free"... To live off society, rob, and riot. Where "Black Lives Matter" but everyone else is a "racist". Was I offended though? Nope. I'm getting used to it. 

I saw my Facebook feed was inundated with videos of people saying they were "waging war on cops" but no one dared saying anything for fear of "violating their freedom of speech". But I wasn't offended. It's just an average day. 

I looked around and saw a nation where the government welcomes illegal immigration and encourages those people to seek welfare and Medicaid while forcing those working to pay more for health care. Was I appalled? Not really. 

When I get deported for not caring which drunken, drug addled celebrity cheated on whom...please send me somewhere that has lasagna. I try real hard to get upset over every trivial news story because I understand it can be spun to serve any racial or religious agenda as suits whichever side's needs. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm just too concerned with taking care of my own family. I can try to watch more Jerry Springer, news channels or other of the sideshows on tv that's only interested in ratings. But I doubt I'll get upset just because every else's views aren't exactly like mine.

See, I wasn't offended by any of these things. Why not? Because I've come to expect them. Just as I've come to expect there to be a daily campaign about something offending us in America. The very fact I'm not offended on a daily basis is what I think I'll get deported for. 
It's the new American standard. Someone says something that hurts your feelings? They're a bully. Is what they said true? Immaterial. So what should we do? Start an "anti bullying" campaign. Practice "freedom of speech" long as you only say the things that are on the approved list. It's ok to be offended that someone called your kid ugly. Maybe they're just honest? I mean, what if your kid looks like a troll and a badger crossbred? Everyone has flaws. We are apex predators, we prey on the weak. Toughen up. 

It's unAmerican to not be offended by something daily. It's unAmerican to be able to just change the channel or close a website. If you're a Christian and celebrate Christmas it's now unAmerican to say "Merry Christmas" as is your religious belief because you might offend a Muslim's or atheists' ears. Because their freedom of religion is more important than yours. That's the American way. We don't worry about the majority because we don't want to offend the minority. 
But me? I'm not offended by that. I just take it in stride. I know that violates the new rules we've established but I'm ok with that too. Why? Because I'm tired of being offended. I'm hoping it catches on some day and an increasing number of people quit being offended. I don't want change to not happen. Change can be good. It can show growth. But, maybe, I'm viewed as unAmerican because I don't view a country collapsing in on itself as "growth". I don't believe that a country who wants so much "tolerance" and "diversity" can stand if it keeps weakening its values and society in an effort to make sure no one gets their feelings hurt. 
I suppose it's an unAmerican way of thinking that it's completely unrealistic to please everyone. That sometimes you're going to get your feelings hurt or be held accountable for yourself. That a nation with a growing number of people living off handouts won't support itself for long. More importantly, it's positively unpatriotic to believe that a nation run by extremely wealthy politicians deciding what's best for the working class becomes a roller coaster of chaos and ruin. 
It's also unAmerican to point out that maybe, just maybe if people spent less time worrying about how messed up everyone else's lives and decisions are and spent more time worrying about their own there'd be less and less to offend everyone. 

I wonder where they'll send me. I don't think they'd send me somewhere there's a chance I'd take over. Hopefully there will be pizza where they send me though. If I'm gonna get exiled I want pizza. Or lasagna. I've been learning Italian lately. Fingers crossed. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

"Cop Out"

Ok, we all know that I vent about the  rampant idiocy in this country. The laziness, entitlement and general lunacy I keep seeing just generally pisses me off. It's like common sense has been bred out of humans. What's got my ire today? I'm glad you asked. 
I recently read an article so rife with stupidity that I had to check it on Snopes and double check other sites to make sure this was real. So here's the general story and my thoughts on it. Ready? It'll be fun. 

So in the Richland township in Michigan an officer got into a domestic dispute. He was drunk and fired his gun at his house. Now I don't know if they just mean he was at home and fired his gun or if he actually took a shot at his house. I suppose if he was drunk enough he may have thought it was attacking him. I know I got into many battles with door frames and the floor back in my drinking days. Several times I lost and a refrigerator door kicked my ass. 
Was that enough to warrant trying to wound a home? Dunno but I'm willing to allow for a "self defense" case against a violent piece of architectural malice. 

When the police were called he evidently threatened his buddies saying he would shoot whoever responded. Now, legally, just saying "I'll shoot you" isn't enough to consider a threat. UNLESS they have the means to carry out said threat. Well we already know he was armed. That makes that a credible threat. Since no charges were ever filed against him then I'd say the local police were giving him a pass. Me? I'd have locked him up on the charge of "general asshattery" but I wasn't consulted. 
Did he at least get fired for having questionable decision making abilities in a job that requires good morals? Nope. They didn't fire him but they didn't allow him to return to work. 

So what's this guy do? He sues the township saying he "may have suffered post traumatic stress disorder." Seriously?! Dude. This is not PTSD, it's a hangover and regretting the choices you made while you were drunk. 
Listen folks, the term "coyote ugly" came from people waking up sober and seeing the person they had drunk sex with. "I'd rather chew my arm off like a coyote than wake up this cock-eyed water buffalo next to me." We've all been there. Some of us more than once (or five or six times. Don't judge me, I drank a lot) and can relate to that "oh dear lord, what have I DONE?!" feeling the next day. It happens. 
If we could claim PTSD from sobering up and realizing that we did some really bone-headed shit the night before then just about everyone of legal (I threw "legal" in there like we haven't all gotten wasted well before the legal drinking age. Pfft) drinking age have suffered traumatically. Why do you think prohibition came about? Because we ALL do stupid shit when we are drunk. That's WHY we drink, so we can excuse our own fucktardery. Duh. 

What's worse is that he won. Yes, you read that right. The township settled with him to the tune of $437,000. On the advice of the township's legal counsel. Seriously?! The town's attorney thought that was the better option than letting it go to trial? 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please take this bottle of Grey Goose or Patron home with you. Some of you may need a bottle of each. Go home, get fitshaced and come back tomorrow. We will keep the lights dim and speak quietly tomorrow for you."
Then next day the case would end quickly. "Your honor, the plaintiff is an idiot, he's wasting your time and our money. Please dismiss this case and let us all go home. If not then let the jury hand down a verdict of 'denied' so those poor drunk bastards can all go home and nurse their hangovers. Oh, and Mr Harroway, the folks at the hardware store said they found your underwear. Apparently you hung them on an axe handle and tried to claim aisle three as your sovereign territory."

Instead, the taxpayers of that town in Michigan are forced to reward a police officer's moral turpitude with their own hard earned money. Absolute bullshit. 
Oh, and in the settlement, should anyone seek a work reference for this guy the city is required to give a "neutral recommendation." He can't handle his liquor or his temper and everyone pays for it but him. As long as we continue to allow this type of injustice then our country will continue its downward spiral. 

Here's the link: 

Monday, December 21, 2015

"The Prose of Cons"

Shortly after starting my blog I downloaded this "Hangouts" app. For the most part, though, all that app does is Hangout on the back page of my phone and leave me be. Let's face it, these type of apps are really nothing more than online meat markets. "Hey, let's meet up..." Blah blah blah. 
Granted, occasionally I'll get a message from someone about publishing or asking for advice but that's less often. Mostly it seems to be just messages from people who think it's a dating service. Or worse. Such as days like yesterday. Yesterday I think I was being interviewed for a book. I can't wait to read it, I bet it's called "Mind of a Madman" or something like that. Although, on second thought, it may have just been someone trying to con me. Either way, I took the time to copy and paste most of the conversation for you guys so you could decide. 

Now, to set the tone here I think it's prudent to let you know that this person, Julian Scotte, added me on google plus then started messaging me an hour after adding me. I'd never heard of her before. But now all of you folks have. 

J.S. : Hello how are you?

Me: fine. And you?

J. : great day

Me: Excellent!

J: where are you from
I'm from santa teresa

Me: I live in Florida. 

J: and how old ??

Me: 43

J: I see
I'm 30
single never married
and you?

Me: Twice divorced. My girlfriend is about your age.

(See, I try to make my relationship status quite clear from the beginning. As I've said before, it's a respect thing. Plus it reduces any miscommunication that I may be available. Because, let's face it, I'm a pretty not terrible catch.)

J: I see
so how is life
what do you do for living?

Me: Same ole same ole.
I'm guessing you don't keep up with my blog posts. 

J: I work as an engineer and consultant in the oil and gas sector

Me: Well I bet that pays quite well!

J: how you mean

Me: Well, in my posts I talk about my job, my girlfriend, stuff about my kids and life in Florida.
Your questions indicate you don't read my posts and haven't viewed my profile page or you'd know these things.

J: i've been very busy with work and out of the country
hope life is good with you and how is it with you family?

(So you randomly added me and messaged me to ask how my family is doing without even looking at my profile to see if I had family?) 

Me: It's been going really well! The boys are getting ready to start college, my current wife doesn't know I'm cheating on her with the groomer and I recently got an email from a bank about unclaimed money that's owed to me. I'm about to send them my social security number when I Western Union them the $2,500 fee for processing. I'm gonna be RICH!!

(Clearly I figured at this point that I'd start having a little fun. I was bored. Obviously, I'm not married. Nor are my elementary school kids entering college and we've all gotten that email before, haven't we? Or one like it)

J: Wow thats great
how much is your profit from that?

Me: According to the email it's $2.3 million. Some relative I never even knew about listed me as the only heir.
I'm gonna use the money to buy a hover board and start collecting My Little Pony figurines. I think they'll increase in value and be a great investment.

J: thats quite interesting
sound profiting
can i know more about this
if you give the $14,000 they gonna give a lot more money than 2.3million?
I'm really interest in this and I will like us to work this toward and make more money if you dont mind that am a woman

(Sure, if I pay my "dead relative" more money then they'll just increase my inheritance. No, I don't mind that you want to be my accountant. Thanks for stepping in and saving me from myself.) 

Me: Sure! It's exciting stuff!
I've just gotta send them my bank account number, passwords and social security number and they'll directly deposit the money.
Since it's from England it'll be deposited in krugerands

(I would later laugh at the irony of telling her the British bank is paying me in krugerands.)

J: so you give the $2,500 and they transfer the sum of 2.3million to your account?
we can send more money to them like 14,000 which i swill raise and let see how much they will give back for that?
or what do you think?

Me: I can ask. Maybe they left me more money. Or I can see if they can pawn the house. Apparently it's worth some money.
It's a big house next door to some place called Buckingham

(Buckingham. The house is next to Buckingham Palace. Can you see me being neighbors with the royals?)

J: i want us to do this together okay
Listen I have a better offer

Me: Oh? A better offer? Awesome!

J: we can work together into and after we're able to raise the money to send and must have gotten the money we can share together
i like you to make me part of this deal

Me: Sure!

J: do your wife and girlfriend know about this?

Me: No. I was going to keep it and use it to get away. Florida is too cold for my taste

J: you can move to new mexico
but mean while can I trust you?

Me: Possibly. I really like burritos so New Mexico could work.
Of course you can trust me. I'm a very honest person and I can keep secrets. Most of the time. Unless I'm drunk.

J: I see
I own my home in new mexico but presently I'm having some issues and difficulties if i may put it that way

Me: Oh no. That's terrible news!

J: Actually I'm presently in West Africa where I'm working on some contract with one of the biggest oil and gas company Opec
They had burst and vanadalised pipelines which reportedly cause lickagages and explosion in theirmplant station

(Lickagages. Why does that sound like some sapphic porn title? I'll have to check my library for that one.)

Me: Exciting stuff!
I thought about investing in crude kerosene. I heard that when they refine it into propane the profits are crazy good

(Let that sink in: crude kerosene. So this person works in the petroleum industry? They often convert petroleum products into a natural gas found in shale?) 

J: Yes thats real true its a big margine profit
the terrorism attack on their soil has destroyed alot in their enconomy

Me: I bet! Terrorismists are bad people

(Terrorismists? Look, I created a new word. Someone call Webster's)

J: heartless people i must confess
are you a christian?

Me: One of them, yes

J: I'm a catholic
i see
Like i said I'm presently having an inconvinency in my house in New mexico
which am having problems in resolving the issue

(Here there was a 20 minute delay as I was on the phone dealing with actual work. Until I get my millions I'm stuck working.)

are you stilll there?

Me: Yes. Sorry. I was on the phone with vet's office. My pet salamander passed away the other day and I was making funeral arrangements.

(Poor Sammy. If I ever get a pet Salamander I'm definitely gonna name it Sammy now)

J: its okay
i was just wondering why i wasnt getting any message from you
am sory to hear about salamander

Me: We had to work out burial plans for Sammy. Then he was telling me about a website where I could order unicorn eggs. I like to collect things.

(Unicorn eggs. No, I have no idea where that came from. Sometimes I'm tempted to drug test myself) 

J: I just need an assistance out of this problem and I promise to pay back in a short time

Me: I don't know...I only just met you

J: I will so much appreciate if you help me out with this and as soon as i can resolve the issue with the taxt and mortgage the loan company can verify the collateral being the house

Me: I wouldn't be able to buy as many My Little Pony figurines though.
Unless I get them and just don't get the hover board

J: The total cost of the mortage and tax is about $6,550 I had to send the sum of $4,680 the very day i got the information from my maid

From there I got busy and wasn't able to respond much.  Since then I got a few messages the next day telling me how she had been counting on me. 
It's terrible that I let someone down I reckon. But, in my defense, I'd just lost a long lost relative I didn't know I had AND my dear pet. I had a lot to deal with. I don't think it was unfair to ask for time to grieve. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

"Monkey See, Monkey Facepalm"

I'm catching the news tonight. The Weather Channel is on, reporting about a hurricane. Rain, flooding and the general bad stuff that hurricanes bring with. Lots of interesting stories related to the storms. 
A couple of items spotlighted were of people stuck in flood waters while trying to cross low water crossings. They should've been warned that water rushing across the road might cause a problem. What's that? There were barricades across the road and these people went around them? Huh. And they were caught by surprise by the water overtaking their cars? Hhmm. Maybe these people were just stupid. 

Firefighters were called out to rescue these people. One of the guys even used his cell phone to video his "harrowing experience". He had to climb a tree to wait for help. Him was scared. Aww. Poor dumb guy. 
He was cold and wet and worried that help may not come. Sadly, they did. Unfortunately they saved him. Why do I say unfortunately? Because while rescuers were helping this idiot other people may not have gotten the help they needed. People who actually needed rescuing from situations that weren't their own fault. Way to go, Noah. 

Seriously, if you go around warning barriers and risk getting swept away, you deserve it. No, I don't feel you should be saved. Darwinism. Those barriers are intended to thin the gene pool. They are WARNING barriers. If you have to be warned that your car wasn't built to cross the Nile then maybe you shouldn't be driving anyway. 
These morons may go on to breed and lower the collective intelligence of humanity. These guys are our weak links. They're responsible for dumbing down society. Please, just let them go. 

In fact, remove warning labels and outlaw lawsuits that are the result of stupidity. I saw a video on YouTube of some twit who announces she's going to drink a glass of bleach. She throws back the glass, there's a moment of silence then she starts screaming in pain calling for her mom. Really? Drinking bleach causes pain? It's not good for you? So that must be why I don't find it next to the milk at the grocery store. Dumbass. 
Another video I saw is from 3 years ago. I'm not even sure if it's real it's so moronic. A guy does a "bleach challenge" which, according to the video, results in him vomiting blood. I have no words for the idiocy of these people. I know the right thing to do is pray that he's ok. But I can't. I just find myself cheering for the bleach to win. 

Let nature sort these people out, please. Don't resist natural selection. And quit rewarding them for their stupidity!!! Don't award them millions of dollars for misusing things. Don't give them interviews or express sympathy. These people are idiots. 
You really want to reward these morons? Fine. Have a contest. Collect all these mental midgets and put them in the same room with chemicals and sharp pointy things. Whoever lives gets to loot the bodies of the losers. There, you got a prize. 

You know you see contestants on the news all the time. Sometimes you even see them walking around in the general public. Most often they end up on YouTube or some video show. You laugh at them. We all do. It's a natural response to stupid. 
Newsflash for you idiots that are the star of these videos...we aren't laughing at how awesome you are. We are laughing at how dumb you are. It's incredulous laughter, not awe. 

Ya know, I'm seriously beginning to think that this whole argument against evolution was started by monkeys. They don't want us to claim to be evolved from them. It's insulting to primates. 

Thursday, December 10, 2015

"A World at War. Again"

Here I am, Mr Current Events and shit, listening to people vilify Donald Trump for his stance on Syrian refugees. Well, you know me, I'm gonna take a look at it from my own angle. Yeah, I'm probably bound to piss off a few people too but I reckon the only way to avoid that is to shut up. Not exactly my strong point. 

I've seen people post several different arguments for why we should bring them in. So we will look at each of these separately. It'll be fun. 

First off, there's a meme going around wherein an American Indian is telling Columbus, "sorry, we aren't accepting refugees." Then someone will post "what if they'd turned refugees away? We wouldn't be here."
Ok. Fair enough. We wouldn't be here. So let's think "what if they'd turned us away?" Well, there'd sure be a lot more of those Indians around. They took in refugees who slaughtered them wholesale, destroyed their way of life, stole their country and left what few remained on reservations. 
Sure that's the comparison you want to draw? When people mention that the Indians took in refugees I ask "yeah, how'd that work out for them?" Granted, only a percentage of those refugees the Indians greeted ended up turning on the Indians. Not all of them were bad people. 

So they changed tactics and post "change the word Muslim to Jew and ask yourself, 'do I sound like a Nazi?' ". Hmm. Interesting thought. So I tried it. For every terror act perpetrated by radical Islamic terrorists I called the terrorists Jews. Did I feel like a Nazi? I'm unsure but I did feel bad for blaming one group for the actions of another. 
My response was: 
'No. I'd not sound like a Nazi. Here, I'll try this test...
"2 Jews killed people in California. 8 Jews coordinated a terror attack in Paris killing over 100 people. A handful of Jews hijacked planes and flew them into the World Trade Center. 
Jews are beheading people who don't follow their religion. Jews have laws in place to kill rape victims. Jews want to go to countries outside their own and force their laws and beliefs upon the countries they are invading."

Still think it's apples and apples? 
I say it's apples and terrorists. 

I don't care if you change the word "Muslim" to "muppets". If the muppets did the things these terrorists have done I wouldn't want their furry little asses here either. 
However, if one could change Muslims to Jews then I'd invite them in for dinner. 
You're welcome and shit.'

So then they tried yet another tactic. A picture of a Muslim soldier's grave who died in battle while serving in the Army. The post? "Some Muslims died protecting your right to be ignorant..."
My response: 
"Not all Muslims are radical Islamist terrorists. I agree. But all radical Islamist terrorists have been Muslims. Those are the people who have declared war on America. 
So, when letting 10,000 Muslims into America, can you spot which ones are radical Islamists? 
The Boston bombers? Their family came here as refugees. San Bernardino? She was here on a visa. 
So...did those people look the same as the ones coming here we know nothing about? 
How many of these refugees are you having stay at your house?"

Am I saying we should blame all Muslims for the acts of a few? Of course not. Although I find it interesting that the ban on all things Confederate came swiftly after one kid killed people and had a picture of himself with a confederate flag. Weird how sometimes it's okay to blame all of one group for the actions of one...
What I AM saying, however, is that we have a surplus of unemployed, starving and homeless people here already. Maybe we should make sure we can take of the people we've got before we bring more in. If we don't have food, homes or jobs for our citizens, why bring in more people we can't support? We already have how many people on welfare?? 
What I AM saying is that although only a percentage of these refugees may be radical Islamists, which ONES? We don't know. Somehow that seems important to me. Europe took in some of these refugees. Ask the people of Paris if they still think that was a great idea. 

Once we can identify which ones are the bad guys, once we get our own house under control, THEN I say we can invite guests over. Until then I think we should wait. Not forever, just until we get our shit sorted out. Just, maybe, wait until we aren't inviting the enemy to dinner. 

To me it's logic. It's not xenophobia. It's not racist or hateful. We simply don't know the first thing about these people. We only know that a percentage of their group wants to kill, maim, torture and rape. What percentage? Who knows. Which ones? Who knows. And that's a problem. 
When someone can stand at the port and point out which of the refugees is a radical then we can revisit the idea. Until then...

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

"I'm Not Grounded"

Ya know one of the things I hate about winter? The torture. I mean, really, I get tortured every year. Not just by motorists and icy roads but by my own truck and, especially, myself. 
The cold weather draws the moisture out of the air and sets the stage for my natural buildup of electrons to go haywire. The barometer does crazy things and every metal object around me becomes possessed with a murderous spirit. Even my clothes hate me in the winter. 

I've got a real nice fleece hoodie that I like. Can't wear it. That blanket that's so comfortable? It hates me. In fact, I've got two that I use. I absolutely love my quilt. It's kept me warm in negative temperatures. tries to murder me. 
I can see it working up to it. 
It's dark in my truck. Like a cave, just with less lighting. I like it that way. The sleepers in these trucks are designed to keep the light out even on the brightest days. So even the slightest bit of light is noticeable. 

So there I am, sleeping in what is essentially a black hole. I roll over and move the blanket as I do. "Oh look, stars!" Oh crap, static buildup. Every tiny move creates more. I toss and turn a lot and it just gets worse. Eventually it starts to look like a rave in my truck. Part of me wants to put on industrial music and dance, the other part is terrified of what happens next. 
I'm eventually going to have to get out of bed in this big metal box and touch something. When I do I'm going to get electrocuted by my own body. 
I'm surprised I haven't shorted out half the electronics in here. Every time I touch something I get shocked. I'm waiting for the day I reach for something in here and see lightning flying from the tips of my fingers. 

Just minding my own business, trying to step out of my truck, I get juiced like I'm auditioning for the Green Mile. I mean I don't just build up a little electricity; at times I'm sure I could power a small town. 
No need for a bug zapper, I AM one. And I know precisely what those little flying creatures go through. 

It happens year round but it's worse in the winter. Even in months like June, though, I can push a cart through Walmart and build up electricity. "Ho hum, I'll grab this can of tuna.." Then I accidentally make contact with the shelf and ZAAAP! I could power Emett Brown's Delorean. 
As a kid I learned early on that I couldn't walk across carpet with socks on. There's a risk of spontaneous combustion. Raise your hand if you share this problem. No. Wait, you'd better not move. 

I always hear about people with magnetic personalities but I bet it's nowhere near as literal as my electric personality. Send me up somewhere really cold, put my in something fleece lined and have me walk across the room. You can practically hear the crackling in the air. I bet in the right circumstances I could jump start a car without using cables. 
I'll never fully understand why it's worse with some people than others. 
I see other people walking around carelessly grabbing doorknobs and I envy them. Every time I reach for a handle or knob I know it's gonna be like hugging an electric eel. I can't even walk through the parking lot without generating enough electricity to stun a crocodile. 

If only I could find a way to make money off of it like some carnival freak show. "Ladies and gentlemen, step right up! For only a quarter you can view The Lightshow Kid. He'll dazzle you, he'll blind you, he'll make your hair stand on end! Come inside and see the human Tesla coil!"
They'd put me in a dark room surrounded with wool and fleece and I'd run around putting on a show like the Aurora Borealis. They'd cheer as I scream in pain every time I got too close to the metal bars. I'd probably have to wear chain mail over my sweater and walk around powering all the rides before they opened up. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

"A History of Violence"

Ok, so I keep hearing talk about how we have a gun problem in America. This comes on the heels of two people shooting up a holiday party in California. I don't need to give you the details, we all saw the news. 
I'd like to discuss this "gun problem" we have. It doesn't exist. Guns aren't the problem. People are. 

Humans are apex predators. Top of the food chain. We are predators, that means there must be prey. So what do we prey on? Everydamnthing. Including each other. 
As predators we are violent creatures by nature. Take a look at history. How far back ya wanna go? Cain and Abel? I don't recall reading anything about Cain using a gun. 
Ancient Egypt? Still no guns but people killed one another. The Crusades? No guns. Just people slaughtering each other over religious beliefs. Spanish Inquisition? Same story, different setting. 

The list goes on. And it will go on for as long as humans exist. Guns just make it more efficient. Our government makes it more excusable. As does the media. And they sensationalize it; they almost glorify it. Not that shooting in particular but other killings. 
We live in a society where victims are heroes and nothing is ever our own fault. Unless, of course, it feeds the fires to vilify people to further a cause. Hell, I'm honestly surprised that someone isn't screaming "police brutality" over the cops in California shooting the perpetrators of that mass shooting. 
We are inching closer to a nation where we will have "terrorist lives matter" groups or some "murderers and rapists are misunderstood" movement. "It wasn't his fault he killed those people, he was just expressing his feelings." Or some idiotic shot like that. Then Oprah and Dr Phil will have them hug it out. 

We are, after all, the "feel good" country. The "it's not your fault and you should be entitled" nation. Everyone should be entitled to not work. The welfare system is apparently self sustaining. It comes from magic money that just appears outta nowhere. Like mana from the heavens and shit. 
Everything is a "disorder" or "disability". Why? Because it's not your fault. There's even a B.E.D. thing going on now. Have you heard of this? Binge Eating Disorder. It's a mental illness now. Yep. Stuffing your facehole is now a disease. 

Guns are the problem, eh? Because the only people that should have guns are the guys protecting the politicians. Right? And why is that? Just give them some Cheetos and have them throw those instead. 

I say instead of taking away guns, give back all the accountability they've taken from us. If they want to take something away so badly why not take away the excuses? Quit giving people a reason to say "it's not my fault". Quit giving people handouts and start giving them the ability to be proud. Quit weakening society and expecting predatory animals to not prey on those weaknesses. 
That's what those politicians are, predators exploiting weaknesses they've created. That's what terrorists do, they prey on and exploit the weak and those unable to fight back. How do you stop terrorism? You show them you aren't afraid of them. 

We don't have a gun problem. We have a violence problem. We always have and we always will. We have a lack of accountability problem. We have a "we created a society of weak minded" problem. We have an "it's not your fault" problem. We have a "we don't know how to deal with disappointment" problem. 

We create a nation where you're not allowed to hurt anyone's feelings. A country where it's easier to be offended, start a movement and outlaw the "not nice" thing you saw than it is to just change the channel. A society where we can't deal with reality. A society with a lot of homeless and hungry people, and we want people to keep coming over. "Load this country to capacity! Standing room only! And no one should have to work". Then they wonder why there's so much violence and conflict here. 

Don't worry about taking away guns. Worry about the lack of common sense. Let's be honest, folks. We are a country founded on violence. Every country in existence has a history of violence. You think guns are the problem? Nope. It's just human nature. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

"Highway Headache"

I almost had to kill someone the other day. There's a pretty good chance it would've been considered a public service. "Just chlorinating the gene pool, your honor." Then they'd have given me a commendation and sent me on my way. Except I'm a truck driver so they'd probably go for the death sentence. Traffic accidents are always our fault ya know. The media seems to think it's always with malicious intent. 
If we ever actually snapped and took out our aggressions on people who are asking for it then there'd be a drastic decrease in stupid people though. Some people, like the potato head that tried to get me to kill him, really shouldn't be allowed out in public. 

You see, if I'm rolling through Ohio or Pennsylvania and I'm on tiny country roads then I know to watch out for Amish cars. I know that every time I crest a hill there's a chance I'll see a one horse power buggy trotting along at about 8 miles an hour. And I drive accordingly. They get their own little lane and everything. 
We try not to scare their little horse or mule when we slow down behind them or hammer down to get around them. They give us a wave and a smile as we try to ease past them. They may be slow but they know it and try to stay out of our way. It's a simple system and we work well together. 

Then there's "the others". The ones who have no idea how much of an issue they cause. Or maybe they know and just don't care. Either way, their lack of common sense may be their undoing. 
Like this clown today. I'm just motoring along in the middle lane. I'm moving along at a fairly high rate of fuel consumption as I see a truck on the on ramp up ahead of me. So I cover the brake with my foot in case traffic shifts to accommodate him. He's got a full size conversion van behind him. 
The dude in the van just can't wait to get going and starts cutting across from the on ramp, across 2 lanes of traffic, into the far left lane. In the process he cuts off the car in the right lane, me, and everyone in the far left lane. All while traveling at a blistering 40 mph. 

Everyone's panic braking, including me. I've got nowhere to go and I was just certain I was gonna kill this guy. I'm flatspotting my tires, smoking all 5 axles and praying that when we collide I'll have a chance to pull him outta his van and bounce his head off the hood before the cops show up. 
Luckily, we all managed to avoid him and he just kept puttering along, gradually picking up speed. Meanwhile, I'm waiting to hear cars crashing into me or for the sound of a trailer load of freight shifting. Talk about "near miss". Hell, it was more like a "near hit". 

So I find the right gear and get rolling from a near stop. Here I am grabbing gears and picking up speed again as Captain Oblivious is steadily gain speed finally. I guess he finally decided to mash motor but his old van doesn't have enough motor to get away from me. I'm still rolling smoke as I finally draw even with him and look over to see if Stevie Wonder is behind the wheel. 
Yes, I saw that he had a handicap tag hanging in his window but being stupid shouldn't qualify them for that. If it did then a vast majority of drivers would need those special parking spots near the front at Walmart. This guy? He looks over and glares at me like he's pissed I nearly hit him back there. 
He's still motoring along in the fast lane not going much faster than a thanksgiving day float and he's mad at the rest of US! Seriously?! How do people like this manage to breathe on their own? 
I didn't have time to play cat and retard with him so I stoked the fires and powered on down the highway. Yet another motorist who doesn't comprehend that everyone else on the road is what's keeping them alive. 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

"Life in the Snow Globe"

So here we are with cold weather bearing down on us. "Well hello there, Jack Frost. Go away now please." Snow is starting to fall and I'll be honest, I just don't like it. 
Unfortunately, it's something that happens every year. The temperatures plummet, blizzards dropping more powder than Charlie Sheen at a bachelor party, and I've gotta start buying Christmas gifts.  Not that I mind buying Christmas gifts but I'd be fine with handing those out in tank tops instead. 

So here I am revisiting an old topic. Global warming. Tell me, do you feel exceptionally warm right now in the Northern Hemisphere? I think probably not. The only thing colder is my friend, Jeri's house. That place? Pfft. Elsa would need a parka. I'm not kidding. Last time I was there there was a polar bear standing around a burning barrel like one of those homeless guys on tv shows. I had to fetch a thermal blanket for a penguin suffering from frostbite. And that was a summer visit. 

I digress. We were discussing global warming. "Climate change", as they call it now. That's the reason I'm given for why so many steel mills and coal yards are closing down. Interesting theory. Except...
Why are we getting so much steel from China now? Or shipping them so much coal to use in steel mills? Don't they share the same planet as us? One would think that "climate change" would affect them too. 
Yet, somehow, it's only something we worry about here in the States. We've got the EPA all over us in the trucking industry. Many states have laws stating "no idling of vehicles over 5 tons longer than 5 minutes." Apparently it's perfectly ok in smaller vehicles. 

In fact, I was out in California a few years ago and there were 3 EPA trucks there for 9 hours writing tickets for idling trucks. The whole time those EPA trucks were idling in the parking lot looking for violators. 
Ever been to California? Their public buses and school buses smoke like steam engines from the 1800's. They get a pass though because they're state run. Sure, that seems to make sense. Only ticket the people who need their trucks to run so they can sleep comfortably. 
I even asked one of the EPA guys "what if you've got pets with you? It's 105 degrees outside and even hotter in these big metal trucks." He responded that that is no excuse for idling. However, if you have a pet in that kind of heat then that's animal cruelty and they'll call the sheriff out to fine you for it. Am I the only one that finds this whole situation absurd? 
I asked "well what about you guys sitting here idling your trucks for hours while you look for people to ticket?" That's the point at which he finally asked me which truck was mine. "The one of there that doesn't have ac so it's pointless to idle. Why, you wanna spend the next few hours sitting in IT while you ticket people for being comfortable?" Turns out he didn't find that option attractive. Like I'm gonna be dumb enough to have my truck running while I point out the hypocrisy of their mission? 

Can't run your truck for ac or for heat. Welcome to truck driving. Trust me, it's not for everyone. One would think that we folks driving 80,000 pound+ vehicles would be among these the government wants sleeping well. 
Now that the roads are gonna get icy and people in cars are gonna try figure skating on the highways I'm even less thrilled. I don't even put ice in my drinks, what makes nature think I want it on my roads? 

Monday, November 23, 2015

"The Mysterious Meteor of Louisville"

So I'm in Louisville a few weeks ago and meet up with friends. Well, they're really more like family than friends. Good folks, Jeri and Dave. 
Jeri scares the hell outta me though. Can't lie. She offered to swing by the company yard and take me to their place for the night. Usually I just drop my trailer and drive my truck there but I've gotta get some repairs done. What Jeri never knew all these years is that the main reason I take my truck to their house is because, if I'm gonna die it's gonna be on my terms. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she, herself, would hurt me. But her behind the wheel?? She always comments on how, when she's driving, I practically fall asleep. "That's because I want to die in my sleep, Jeri. I don't wanna see it coming." Like I said, she scares me half to death. I didn't have white hairs until I got in a car with her. Now, as soon as that door closes, you can watch the colors change. They just skip grey. Straight to platinum. It's like autumn on my head, just POOF! brown to white. 
So she offered to come pick me up this time. "Why'd you go all quiet, boy? You don't have to come see us if you don't want." No no, I want to come visit. I just can't speak while my heart goes into tachycardia. Plus, I was internalizing how to word my will. I'll be here waiting. I know you haven't seen me in a while; I'll be the one holding the rosary and kissing the pavement. 
So she shows up. I put my stuff in the backseat and instantly regret not bringing a crash helmet. She's the only person I know that Saturn insisted on installing a roll cage and 5 point harness in her car. I'm strapping in like Tony Stewart and wishing they'd set this car up like a driver's ed car. Even just a passenger side brake pedal would be a blessing. And awaaaaay we go! 

She's rounding the corners like they're banked and someone just dropped the green flag. Four tires on the car but only 2 in contact with the ground on corners. And that's the surface streets. 
When we get on the highway my ears pop as the sonic boom hits, other cars are swerving from the shock wave, an F-16 drops down to drag race. She's pulling away from them. There's a red glow around the car like we're entering the atmosphere. 
As we hit the end of the on ramp I'm looking over at the speedometer wondering how far the needle goes, feeling like Marty McFly and yelling "we don't need roads where we're going!" But she can't hear me because we are now at Mach II and even our voices are behind us. 

She comes flying up behind a pickup in the far left lane. I can feel the heat of the brakes through the floorboard. The poor sucker in front of us is only doing 10 above the speed limit and I'm thinking "this is where I die!" She manages to slow this missile all by herself but I was trying desperately to jam my feet through the floor and Flintstone the car down to double digits. She's so close to the guy's bumper that I got the serial number off his trailer hitch. Then he gets over and we're off again. Her foot comes off the brake and hits the accelerator hard enough it sounded like a starter's pistol. We're going so fast the wind is whipping through my hair even with the windows up. And she's just over there laughing like the devil at a Hillary Clinton rally. 

We're bobbing and weaving through traffic like Cheech and Chong at a Bob Marley festival. We make a 40 mile drive in under 8 minutes. As she takes the off ramp she asks what I want to eat and I tell her anything but a drive-thru. So we Tokyo Drift through her town and stop at a local restaurant where we wait on Dave, her husband, to show up. He's taking a little longer to get there because he's traveling at less than breakneck speeds. 
As always, it was a fun visit. I was fortunate enough that either David or I drove everywhere during my stay so I lived long enough to tell this tale. The moral of the story? Apparently Saturn made a really good vehicle. If they can withstand the atmospheric friction of Jeri's driving and keep right on going...NASCAR should write the Saturn folks for tips. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

"Don't Tell Me Who Matters"

I wanted to give France enough time to mourn its loss before posting this. Before talking about something that I find offensive. Ironic, really, since the post that I'd had scheduled for today was about how inured I'd become with how we Americans are offended by every little thing. Guess I can scratch that post now. Too bad; it had some humor to it. 
So what has me so bothered that I'm having to edit (and you'll see later, censor) myself? Well, let me start at the beginning. Or the middle as it may be. 

See, I love me some Taco Bell. So I stopped at the TA truck stop in Greencastle,PA since they've got the Bell next door. As I pull in I see they are flying the American flag at half mast. Wanting to confirm my assumption as to why, I asked inside. They looked at me like I had been living in a cave and said "because of the terrorist attacks in France."
Respect for innocent lives needlessly lost. The manager of that TA in Pennsylvania didn't know any of the people who were murdered but wanted to show respect and sympathy from half a world away. Had that manager been working I'd have gladly shook his hand. 

People's actions tell a lot about what kind of person they are. We can agree on that, right? Respectful people deserve our respect. You agree? Me too. So here comes the other shoe...

Here lately I've seen posts saying "F%*k France". It's hashtagged in all sorts of Tweets. How callous can you get? To steal a thought that was shared to me: these people would feel completely differently if one of their loved ones had been among those lost. I'm paraphrasing but the sentiment remains the same. Mercifully, this time it wasn't here but it has been before and there's no guarantee it won't be again. Especially since Emperor Obama thinks it's a good idea to invite unknown Syrian refugees to come to America. (One of his dumbest moves yet. And he's funneling them in through the most "French" state in the Union, Louisiana).
I know people who have family abroad. Had any of them been injured and someone responded with that level of disrespect I'd throat punch them. No, I don't mean that figuratively. I would quite literally bring those disrespectful assholes grave bodily harm, personally, given the opportunity. 

 I've read articles about how the folks at "Black Lives Matter" have said they don't care about France or its problems. In fact, they're upset that the news of the attacks is out shining that group's agenda. 
Seriously? They want us to take their movement seriously yet they have no respect for the innocent victims? They hurl obscenities regarding an entire nation during one of that nation's worst tragedies yet want us to feel sorry for their ignorant, "entitled", whiny asses? No. You lose your credibility. You lose any and all sympathy from me. 

Here's a bit of history for you: One day after the September 11 attacks, Le Monde, the famed French daily, ran a full front page editorial under the headline "NOUS SOMMES TOUS AMÉRICAINS," which translates to: "We Are All Americans." The very first sentence was: “In this tragic moment, when words seem so inadequate to express the shock people feel, the first thing that comes to mind is this: We are all Americans". They did NOT say "F%^k America." 

France played a key role in aiding the colonies during the American Revolution. They sent us supplies, troops and money to help us win our independence. They left themselves deeply in debt financially to do so. Without the help of France, Spain and the Netherlands this country would not have won its independence. What they did NOT do is say "F*^k the colonies". 

In 1886 the French even sent us a gift. A little thing we call the Statue of Liberty. Engraved on the pedestal for that statue it reads: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free."
It does NOT say anything indicating they didn't care about our problems. 
Yet I see people posting on Facebook "what did France ever do for us?" What did France do? They helped us create this country. They mourned with us when we were attacked by terrorists. They stood by us during the darkest parts of our history. They put themselves in debt to stand with us. They've been our allies since before we were even a NATION. 
Before we became so self-centered and so self-absorbed as people that we disrespected them during one of their darkest times. 

You addle brained jackasses who lack respect for innocent victims, you racists who can't understand that ALL lives matter, not just the black ones, you aren't worthy of respect. You're nothing more than hypocrites. 

(Upon rereading this prior to posting I'd like to make a correction here. I say "all lives matter" but I know I don't mean that. Terrorists, radical Islamists who seek to impose their will through wanton death and destruction: your lives actually DON'T matter to me or to anyone else. Jihadists who wish to destroy us: your lives don't matter. To all of us you consider Infidels, you are nothing more than a plague that needs to be eradicated. The world truly is a better place without you.) 

Yeah, I probably sound like I'm irritated with these "Black Lives Matter" people. That's because I am. "Waa! We are so oppressed. Waa! We should be entitled to whatever we want. Waa! We should be allowed to commit crimes without fear of justice." Blah blah blah. Meanwhile, 2 black men, police officers, are charged with murder after gunning down an unarmed white man in Louisiana. The hail of bullets also killed the man's 6 year old autistic son. Because that little boy wasn't black does HIS life not matter?! Is there a rally demanding "justice"? Is there looting or rioting? No. In fact, it gets quickly glossed over on the news because it doesn't fit anyone's agenda. 
Soldiers of every ethnicity are killed fighting a war to keep these racist, "Black Lives Matter" people safe. Do those SOLDIER'S lives not matter?! Innocent blood is spilled by terrorists globally. And you disrespect the victims because they took time away from your "movement"?! Which is ironic when you think about it. There were black lives that were ended in the attacks in France. Are you guys saying since they weren't part of your group then THEIR black lives didn't matter?
We are all being attacked by a common enemy. One which our President is sending reinforcements from Guantanamo Bay, by the way. Now is the time to grow up and actually unify if you want to institute change. 

Yeah, we get that all these people in the "Black Lives Matter" group had rough lives. They feel they should get paid more for unskilled jobs like pulling fries out of the fryer than firefighters get paid for saving lives. 
They didn't have access to college, despite the NAACP or the United Negro College Fund. They didn't have access to good jobs despite Affirmative Action or the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. They didn't have access to anything to help them. They didn't have access to the same schools as everyone else. Oh wait, they had access to all of these things. Maybe their lives are difficult because of their own choices and actions. Maybe people just didn't respect them enough because people's actions tell a lot about what kind of person they are. 

Maybe, just maybe, if these people put as much effort into improving their lives as they put into finding someone to blame then their lives would already be better. No, I don't feel these people are entitled to anything except to leave. Go to Mexico or Central America and see how rough life actually is for those without opportunities. Go to Africa where Jewish people were slaves for centuries and see how difficult life truly is. Maybe you'll learn to appreciate the opportunities you actually have here. Maybe you'll learn the value of respect. And, if you don't, then just tell them you're "entitled" to whatever you want because you say so. 

I don't care what color a person is, what their sexual preference is or what type of vegetables they like, if they treat others with respect then I will treat them with respect. Conversely, if they go around disrespecting everyone else then I have no respect for them. They could be whiter than aspirin or darker than midnight, the skin color doesn't make the person. The measure of a person's value is universal. No one life matters more than another. When a person donates blood, organs, money or anything else they don't label on it the skin color of those that gave. Nor do they discriminate who receives it by skin color, sex, religion or sexual preference. Why is that? Because we all matter equally. Every ethnicity has had its share of difficulties. The difference is that everyone else learned to overcome them instead of acting like disrespectful thugs. Your actions define you. 

(Author's note: I censored myself as much as I could in this post but, for those who I may've offended with my language, I apologize. If you'd like the language cleaned up so that you can repost if you wish, send me a message and I'll do what I can without damaging the integrity of what it is meant to convey.)