"Waiting, What a Rush"

So unemployment is at a record low now, eh? That's what Emperor Obama says and his supporters parrot him. I'm a little curious about something though. Where's everyone working and why aren't they at work today?! Middle of the day on most weekdays and traffic is thick and heavy. Congestion starts at like noon. Rush hour is now "stop and go 4 hours". 

People going on vacation in the middle of the damn week or something? Who's paying for all this gas? Why don't these people know how to drive?! Why are all these people on my bloody ROAD?! Go home! 

Arrrrgh! Buncha non-driving turd jockeys! Just drifting from lane to lane with no turn signals, speeding up to cut each other off, clogging up my highway. Oh! And can we please, please, PLEASE quit making vanity plates?! Good grief, I hate those things. 

I bet some of these guys crack themselves up with how "clever" they are. Rarely are they actually all that great. Some are so cryptic they're pretty much pointless. Like what is "I LUV BON"?? You love good?? Good what?! Good FOOD?! Just good fun? Are you trying to prep for Mardi Gras? Why not "I LUV BON TEMPE"? Good WHAT already?! I was waiting for them to have "Jovi" written on the damn bumper. 

Speaking of bumpers, the things I've seen on bumper stickers makes me terrified of the future. These Coexist bumper stickers? Cute sentiment. Makes people think you're just a big ole soft hearted trail mix eating flower child. All "peace and love". Liars. I've seen some of those "Coexist" people drive like they just HOPED they could run someone over. Talk about aggressive driving. Honking and screaming as they tore through traffic; I was positive they'd push a carload of nuns off a cliff to get 10 feet farther down the road. 

Sigh. I realize not everyone rides around looking at cars and I understand not everyone knows cars. Well thank god some folks were kind enough to put the make of their car across the windows in giant letters. Chopper pilots are looking down going "that's an impala.", from a mile up. Yeah, yeah, I know it's "cool" but I can't help but think to myself "how stupid is this person that they bought a car but can't remember what they bought?" 

Is this how they tell people to find them at the mall? "I'm in the Honda Civic. It's the one that says Honda Civic across the windshield." Or is it more like "so, Billy, what kind of car do you have?"  I dunno. Let me go look at my windows. 

Ya know what I don't get? In order to drive a large vehicle pulling a trailer I had to get a CDL. Yet I see the friggin Griswalds out here pulling a trailer with a rental RV or U haul. Really?! 

Here I am with special training I paid for, all kinds of ridiculous rules and regulations I've gotta learn and remember, and there's Betsy Homemaker with her gardening hat, chihuahua in her lap, driving a 40 foot U-Haul with a car and a trailer bouncing around behind it. She's totally oblivious of things like clearance, traffic or mirrors but she gave the rental company her credit card so she's "good to go". 

I'm subject to laws regarding weight restrictions on roads or how many hours I can drive in a day. Then there's companies out there who literally rent RV's for cruising across America. I've gotta worry about stopping for a mandatory 30 minute break every eight hours but Grandpa Jones can bebop down the motorway sipping his Metamucil laced Shirley Temple all day. 

Meanwhile the fuel paradox remains: if all these people are driving around in cars all day then they obviously aren't at work. So how do they keep buying gas to joy ride to the mall all damn day?! 

"Highway Headache"

I almost had to kill someone the other day. There's a pretty good chance it would've been considered a public service. "Just chlorinating the gene pool, your honor." Then they'd have given me a commendation and sent me on my way. Except I'm a truck driver so they'd probably go for the death sentence. Traffic accidents are always our fault ya know. The media seems to think it's always with malicious intent. 

If we ever actually snapped and took out our aggressions on people who are asking for it then there'd be a drastic decrease in stupid people though. Some people, like the potato head that tried to get me to kill him, really shouldn't be allowed out in public. 

You see, if I'm rolling through Ohio or Pennsylvania and I'm on tiny country roads then I know to watch out for Amish cars. I know that every time I crest a hill there's a chance I'll see a one horse power buggy trotting along at about 8 miles an hour. And I drive accordingly. They get their own little lane and everything. 

We try not to scare their little horse or mule when we slow down behind them or hammer down to get around them. They give us a wave and a smile as we try to ease past them. They may be slow but they know it and try to stay out of our way. It's a simple system and we work well together. 

Then there's "the others". The ones who have no idea how much of an issue they cause. Or maybe they know and just don't care. Either way, their lack of common sense may be their undoing. 

Like this clown today. I'm just motoring along in the middle lane. I'm moving along at a fairly high rate of fuel consumption as I see a truck on the on ramp up ahead of me. So I cover the brake with my foot in case traffic shifts to accommodate him. He's got a full size conversion van behind him. 

The dude in the van just can't wait to get going and starts cutting across from the on ramp, across 2 lanes of traffic, into the far left lane. In the process he cuts off the car in the right lane, me, and everyone in the far left lane. All while traveling at a blistering 40 mph. 

Everyone's panic braking, including me. I've got nowhere to go and I was just certain I was gonna kill this guy. I'm flatspotting my tires, smoking all 5 axles and praying that when we collide I'll have a chance to pull him outta his van and bounce his head off the hood before the cops show up. 

Luckily, we all managed to avoid him and he just kept puttering along, gradually picking up speed. Meanwhile, I'm waiting to hear cars crashing into me or for the sound of a trailer load of freight shifting. Talk about "near miss". Hell, it was more like a "near hit". 

So I find the right gear and get rolling from a near stop. Here I am grabbing gears and picking up speed again as Captain Oblivious is steadily gain speed finally. I guess he finally decided to mash motor but his old van doesn't have enough motor to get away from me. I'm still rolling smoke as I finally draw even with him and look over to see if Stevie Wonder is behind the wheel. 

Yes, I saw that he had a handicap tag hanging in his window but being stupid shouldn't qualify them for that. If it did then a vast majority of drivers would need those special parking spots near the front at Walmart. This guy? He looks over and glares at me like he's pissed I nearly hit him back there. 

He's still motoring along in the fast lane not going much faster than a thanksgiving day float and he's mad at the rest of US! Seriously?! How do people like this manage to breathe on their own? 

I didn't have time to play cat and retard with him so I stoked the fires and powered on down the highway. Yet another motorist who doesn't comprehend that everyone else on the road is what's keeping them alive. 

"No Truckin Way"

Ok, I've gotta start this one with a disclaimer. I own my truck and trailer. I'm what's called "an ownin operatiner" but I know people who drive trucks owned by companies. Those companies have fairly strict rules about certain things. Therefore, this story is not mine but is an approximation of a story I was told. I may have taken a little license in its telling but I'm telling it in first person anyway though because that's just how I write. If this were about me, here's how it would go:

So I show up in New Jersey to make a delivery the other day. Ok, so it was today but it feels like a week has passed already while I'm sitting here. I pull up to where the "yard" is supposed to be and it's packed like a city girl going camping. There's hardly walking room, much less truck room so I park out in the road and go looking for a shipping office. 

I would've worn numbers if I'd known I was entering some sadistic track and field event. 

I'm dodging trucks, hurtling people and pacing myself to set a new record in the 5k. The whole time thinking "I bet some cultures send people to New Jersey as a form of punishment. Why do I ever agree to come to these places?!"

After 2 hours of "rush hour" to get here (why do they even call it "rush hour"? It should be called "in no big hurry 3 hours") I'm already frazzled and ready to kick some small, furry creature should I find one. In Jersey? Ha! 

But I finally find a dock that appears to be for receiving. As I try asking about delivering, the guy starts waving his arms around like he's drowning and shit. I didn't know if I should keep talking or dial 911. He's all frantic "no unload here! No unload. You no come here unload." Now, I know you guys are picturing a little Chinese guy. Racists. He's Mexican. 

After a couple minutes of poly lingual charades I figure out he wants me to go a building over. Excellent, my truck is still out in the road. "Please, no one hurt my baby"

Fortunately, another driver offers to lead me through the yard to a big spot for me to turn around. For you non-truckers, backing in from the passenger side is called "blind siding". Wanna guess why? Backing in that way is like putting Stevie Wonder behind the wheel. 

So I sprint back out to my truck. Well, the best I can with everyone milling around. Is it just me or did it get 30 degrees warmer all of the sudden? I look up and the sun is 3 times bigger than it was a few minutes ago. 

In the midst of my heat stroke I climb up in the cab to follow this other truck. In a crowd of 50 trucks it's like playing "Where's Waldo" on a global scale. I'm looking for the white truck. Oh good, that narrows it down to 45 of them. 

I find the Good Samaritan and he's driving around like he's in a sports car, flinging himself from one block to another without turn signals. Seriously? "Follow" you? This guy's driving like he's trying to lose me. I can't tell if he has an actual destination in mind or if he's just using the Force to guide him.

Mission accomplished. I've now lost HIM and my sense of direction. But I finally manage to get to an intersection where I can turn around. An intersection with no protected green arrow and half the state of New Jersey blocking the intersection. I sit at this light, waiting so long for a break in traffic, that it's gone green to red three times. I'm losing all patience and ready to play bumper cars. Finally, frustrated to the point homicide is an attractive option, I make a desperate move. There's a big, shiny, beautiful Peterbilt headed towards the intersection on the yellow light. I figure "his truck is too nice, he won't hit me and mess up his truck" so I make a quick left and brace for impact as cars torpedo themselves at me all pissed that I'm on their road. How dare I deliver shit they need! 

Another "quick left" and I'm pointed back towards the yard. I'm thinking "I'm coming in hot, clear a spot!" as I pull a Tokyo Drift into the lot, this time facing the direction I need. 

Finally a receiving guy comes over to point where he wants me and my trailer. I laugh, "no, seriously, where do you want me?" He's adamant, "right there." So I respond, "which part of 'no, seriously' makes you think this thing will fit THERE??" 

Here I should mention that backing into a spot can be tough when a yard is dead. This place being an anthill of people makes it virtually impossible. As do the trucks and trailers lined up next to the building. It's a physics thing. 80 feet of vehicle needs 80 feet of room and there "might be" enough. But just barely. And I'm tinkering on insanity as it is. 

Here's the part where I hang my head in trucker shame. (Author's note here: I can't believe I'm even writing this part in first person it pains me so much but I'm committed now). I looked at this space, looked around, and felt my blood run cold as I considered my options. I needed this load delivered but I just knew that in my current state I'd make a mess of even trying. So I went to talk to the "yard dog" (trucker jargon for the worker who shuttles trailers about the yard in a vehicle less than half as long as our sleeper trucks) to weigh out options and throw myself at his mercy. I'd hoped, best case scenario, that I'd just drop my trailer where I was and he'd back it into the spot. 

Upon talking to him I found out he'd had over 30 years on the road and he understood my situation. But he couldn't just hook to my trailer. The solution? (Shudder) he climbed up in my truck and backed it in for me. With an ease that verified the decades of practice he'd claimed. 

Now, here I am, hiding in my truck and waiting for them to finish. Either I'm gonna have to drag a few trailers away from the dock when they're done or there may be an issue with getting back out. All the local guys were smart enough to flee so I'm kinda stuck here. I guess I'll have to adopt a New Jersey accent and prepare for this spot to be my new home. Well, at least Jersey has good pizza. 

"Me and Custer"

So I had a fun experience this morning. I'm pretty sure the guy was seriously contemplating taking a swing at me. I'm not saying I blame him, I was getting pretty snarky with him. 

I think one reason he reconsidered was because he was in a bad place for fighting a trucker. He was definitely mad though. This was evident when he followed me into the truck stop to confront me. To be fair, once he began irritating me on the road I deliberately antagonized him. Why? Because I could. Here's a snippet of what happened before he slinked back over to his car and tore out of the parking lot:

As I parked my truck he pulled up right in front of me, flung his door open and came at me with a purpose. Even with my windows up I could hear him cussing and carrying on. So I opened my door all casually and smiled at him as I got out. He started laying into me with "I'm so sick and tired of you f%*^ing truck drivers!"

Still smiling I replied, "well that's refreshing. Here I was just telling my friends how we never get enough recognition." He balked for a second before continuing, "you saw me. I know you did! And you just kept trying to push me around! I'm sick of you guys thinking you can bully everyone! You deliberately got in my way!" 

"Well, Sparky, it's like this: I had that blinky thing on on my truck. Did ya see it? No way you didn't because you floored it immediately after I turned it on." 

"What's that got to do with anything?! You deliberately pulled out in front of me, asshole!"

"Yep. Yep, I sure did. That there flashy blinky thing is a sure sign that I was coming over. Are you not familiar with how they work? See, I turn that on to let you know I need to move into that lane. Since you were far enough back when I turned it on the lane was clear. Then you accelerated like mad to try to take up that space. I'm bigger, I win."

"Well you almost hit me!"

"Nope, you almost accelerated into the back of my trailer. Good thing you had enough sense not to. I'll admit I'm surprised because everything you did afterward made me think you were full on retarded."

"What?! What. The. F%^k did you just call me?!"

"Retarded. It means mentally deficient. Below average intelligence. Less advanced than should be for one's age. Did you do poorly in vocabulary in school? You're kinda confirming my initial diagnosis here."

I should point out here that this is the point where I thought physical violence may be imminent. Since "snarky" is my default setting I've gotten good at anticipating when I've struck a nerve with someone. I should also admit that I smiled even bigger as I continued. I figured I'd take the opportunity since he appeared to be trying to determine his course of action. I'd clearly knocked him off balance with my insolence so I just let it roll so as to keep him that way. 

"Look, I signaled I was coming over. That's what I did. Then you kept flashing your lights like you thought that would speed my truck up and get me out of your way. So I slowed down thinking you were special needs and I didn't want to frighten you. Then I just kept your stupid ass there. If you were in such a hurry you shoulda left sooner. 

"But don't you dare follow me into a truck stop to bitch me out like some spoiled little princess and get in my face while calling me a bully when you were the one trying to exert your will on me while I was driving responsibly. If I'm using words that are confusing I'll try using smaller words. Bottom line, you pulled in here to show me what a badass you are and how you're gonna get your way. So either get ready to get your suit dirty and step up or shut the hell up, get back in your car and drive your dumb ass to work. But, if you get one step closer to me I'm gonna kick your asshole up amongst your shoulder blades, pour you back into your little toy and have 10 witnesses saying you assaulted me and I defended myself. So make your choice."

I must say, part of me was disappointed. For a minute there I really thought he had the minerals to take a shot at me. Instead he just stood there shaking. I'm proud of the fact his decision making skills finally caught up with him though. I'm not a violent guy; I really don't like fighting. But I will not be pushed around either. If I let a four wheeler pull into a truck stop and get away with backing me down then the rest of the cars will think it's ok. We can't have that. 

Had I not been in a truck stop I'd have simply dismissed him. But in a truck stop parking lot? I can't have him embarrassing me in front of my friends like that. 

"So what's it gonna be Captain Hypocrite? You gonna come bully me since bullying me on the road didn't work? You gonna pull a Custer or are you gonna slink your ass outta here? Either way, I've still gotta pee so you need to either get out of my way or get stepped on."

I guess this finally motivated him because he responded, "I'm gonna call your company. They're gonna hear about this! Nobody talks to me like that!" Then he snapped a couple pictures of my truck. "What's your name?!"

"Well, apparently it's 'Nobody' because I'll talk to you as I see fit. You're an asshole on the road and a complete retard. Now why don't you scurry on to work or wherever it was you were in such a hurry to get to before you thought pulling in here and starting shit was a good idea." 

Careful not to touch him at all, I stepped around him and started to walk inside. Over my shoulder I remarked, "by the way, my dash cam shows you pulling in front of me here and getting out yelling. So if I come out and you've done anything to my truck...I've got your picture and your plates so you should be easy for the cops to find."

I don't actually have a dashcam but there's no way he could know that so I hoped my bluff would work. It must have because my truck was fine when I came back out. 

Now, I'll be honest, I'm not worried in the least about him calling in. I don't doubt he will. And our safety department will probably placate him by apologizing for us big, mean truckers. Then they'll call me and ask what happened. I'll give them my version and they'll say something like "well we rarely get complaints about your driving so I'm sure he just overreacted." They're more diplomatic than I. 

Now, to help you folks out I'll explain a couple things. Firstly, that turn signal means we need over. If you gun it to try to occupy the space we need you're running a big risk. Once we start changing lanes we aren't prone to jerking the wheel to get back in the other lane. Understand we need that lane for a reason. We don't just arbitrarily get in your way. 

Secondly, if you come up behind a truck, flashing your lights like they're strobe lights is NOT going to speed us up. Don't turn the road into a disco just because you're frustrated. With many trucks they're probably already going as fast as they can. 

We see you back there. We most likely saw you a mile before you reached us. Trying to irritate us into moving will sometimes even cause us to slow down because we are thoughtful and are trying to teach you patience. 

Thirdly, and this is important, never ever follow us into a truck stop or rest area to bawl us out. This will not end the way you want it to. That's like watching an inchworm crawl into an anthill. Truckers that weren't even there will swear you came out swinging and then tripped into the pavement five or six times. 

"Stocked Up"

I had a short day today and got parked fairly early. So I went inside to grab a bite to eat after I took the dogs for a walk. Those of you who know me know I've gotta have my milk. None of that 2% stuff; I want 100% milk. 2% sounds like it should be served in a shot glass. If it's 2% milk, what's the other 98%, air? 

So I go inside, grab my nice, cold cow juice and some hard boiled eggs. I'm trying to watch my girlish figure, ya know. I head over to the "driver's lounge", which is basically a room with a t.v. and a bunch of truck drivers sitting around it talking about "well I woulda told that officer...", to see what's on. 

Oh goody, cars! Left turn, left turn, left turn... There are about 8 other truck drivers in there basically salivating over watching cars go in a circle. And here's where I sound unAmerican. "Hey, ya ever notice these guys really don't get anywhere because they're running in circles?"

I think one guy gave me the "stink eye" before asking, "you don't like stock car racing, boy?"

Well of course I have no problem watching traffic. I'm a truck driver; watching traffic is essentially our way of life. In real life we wish they would all move as quickly as these guys on TV. 

In fact, I'm watching these guys merge back into race traffic and thinking "so how come people ease onto the highway at 45, glaring at me like I'm the idiot in their way instead of them just gauging traffic and merging seamlessly?! Look! It CAN be done!" It amazes me how these guys can do it at what appears to be Mach 2 and regular folk can't do it at 65mph. 

So I had to wonder....they call it stock car racing. What's "stock" on these cars? Even the headlights are decals. I need ones that put off actual light. I don't need a LOT of light, but I'm not gonna drive just using "the force" at night either. 

The horsepower is insane and, quite frankly, I'm glad regular cars don't have anywhere near that amount. With the way normal folk drive, the number of traffic deaths would be exponentially higher. I've never in my life seen a car like these rolling down the freeway. Yet they're "stock"? What gives? 

Then something happens and I suddenly understand the draw. Two cars wreck at warp speed. Pieces fly this way and that. Debris, CARnage, cartastrophe (yes, I deliberately spelled it that way) at high speeds! It was awesome to watch. I get it now. 

It's not the RACE they're watching it for, it's the WRECKS. We are some twisted creatures I tell you. I was right there watching it with them, all slack-jawed watching and kinda giggling as I thought "CARtwheel!"  As "civilized" as we are we enjoy mayhem. 

If there's a wreck on the northbound side of the highway I can assure you there'll be another one on the southbound side in short order. Maybe even a few on both sides. We can't help it, we have to look. It's in our genetic makeup, I think. 

And they look as they're driving. Head turned full circle like a scene from "The Exorcist" as they go past. Sometimes so busy looking that they create their own accident. Bravo old chap. Job well done. Now you've screwed it up for the people behind you too. 

Is it our destructive nature? Let's be honest, what usually attracts the most attention? Something involving mayhem and destruction, or the building of a hospital?