"Alcoholin Allergies"

Yesterday I was suffering from allergies pretty bad. It was horrible. The first half of the day I felt like I could barely move. My head was pounding like there were tiny little dwarves in there using pick axes to play the Macerena. Every movement just made things worse. 

I laid in bed like that for close to an hour before my cell phone rang. It was Molly calling. Anyone else and I would've just tried to kill my phone under a pile of pillows. When she calls I answer. Even though I felt I may be on my deathbed. 

So there's the phone ringing, interrupting my thoughts of calling in a priest for either my last rites or an exorcism. Possibly both. Of course, my ringer isn't the standard iPhone ring. Nope, it's "Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphys. At full volume. Most of you have heard the song even if you're not familiar with the band. It's the song that plays in the Sam Adams beer commercials. 

Ordinarily I'd say my phone doesn't ring overly loud. But when you're suffering this kind of pre-aneurysm headache it seems I'm at the front row of one of their concerts. This is one of the only times I don't instantly smile when I see she's calling me. Of course, I started to smile as I answered, Herculean effort that that was. 

Knowing my predicament on this mercifully overcast morning she spoke louder than normal in starting the conversation with, "how's that hangover feel, Touchet?!" Sweet as she is, she cares. Knowing it was self induced, she cares loudly. Because I deserve this hangover. It was well earned in my opinion. 

Since I remember the events of the night I'm inclined to agree that it I earned it. My roommate laughed earlier recounting to me that he quit drinking when (after having had several Half and Halfs) I called out, "hey, let's make it more interesting. Let's play for shots". 

Now, let's start off with that delicious concoction for those of you wine drinkers out there. The bartender takes a pint glass and fills it halfway with Harp. A nice, light lager from the Harp brewery in Ireland. Then they use a spoon to gently pour Guinness on top so that the denser stout sits atop it nicely. So you've got 2 different colors and flavor profiles. 

Initially you get that beautiful Guinness taste then it slows mixes with the Harp. Another variation is called a Black and Tan. Instead of using Harp they use Bass. All three are from the Harp Brewery and are equally delicious and ideal depending on the circumstance. 

Anyway, back to last night. I've not really played pool in nearly a decade. I've not played competitively for about 15 years. I certainly wasn't expecting to win very much last night. So why play for drinks? Well, why not. Some people seem to think I'm borderline sociopath because of my "social skills". You know, that thing I do that's like Tourette's where I just say what I'm thinking. It's either that or stand back and exercise my right to remain silent so as not to risk offending anyone. 

So I thought I'd just try to relax the mood. Mostly for myself. I just wanted to play a little pool and not be all stiff and nervous. On the bright side, I relaxed. On the down side, I "relaxed" for about 10 games or so. At a drink a game. I had all kinds of drinks thrust at me. Some were shots, sons were some manner of mixed liquor drinks. 

I managed to go from "relaxed" to "inebriated" from 9 at night until 2 in the morning for a grand total of $12.00. Well done me. Then I was, indeed, well done. 

I had fun though. I made some new friends. People I can hang out and play pool with. 

But there's still the matter of these nasty allergies. Maybe it's because I'm just too old to go out drinking and enjoy myself. I should've stayed home and watched some History channel like they're childhood movies. "Ah, yes, I remember those days. Back when I was a wee lad and this whole 'Pilgrims venturing off to the New World' thing was just getting underway." 

Or maybe I'm just allergic to hangovers. Personally, I thought playing for drinks instead of paying for drinks was an ingenious idea. Actually drinking more than was intended, however, was a bad decision. Now that I've got a hangover and I made a bad choice I've probably developed PTSD. 

I know that loud noises, movement, even opening my eyes feels kinda traumatic at the moment. Does that qualify me? Stress? Yeah, I've got that too today. Many stressful questions like "so how am I supposed to survive if I can't get up to make French toast. Or even PopTarts? Am I going to die today? It feels like I might."

So I lie here, on the verge of death from this...this alcohol allergy. Aspirin, Gatorade, coffee and sunglasses all waiting for me in the kitchen. If only I could manage to crawl that far. 

"Cop Out"

Ok, we all know that I vent about the  rampant idiocy in this country. The laziness, entitlement and general lunacy I keep seeing just generally pisses me off. It's like common sense has been bred out of humans. What's got my ire today? I'm glad you asked. 

I recently read an article so rife with stupidity that I had to check it on Snopes and double check other sites to make sure this was real. So here's the general story and my thoughts on it. Ready? It'll be fun. 

So in the Richland township in Michigan an officer got into a domestic dispute. He was drunk and fired his gun at his house. Now I don't know if they just mean he was at home and fired his gun or if he actually took a shot at his house. I suppose if he was drunk enough he may have thought it was attacking him. I know I got into many battles with door frames and the floor back in my drinking days. Several times I lost and a refrigerator door kicked my ass. 

Was that enough to warrant trying to wound a home? Dunno but I'm willing to allow for a "self defense" case against a violent piece of architectural malice. 

When the police were called he evidently threatened his buddies saying he would shoot whoever responded. Now, legally, just saying "I'll shoot you" isn't enough to consider a threat. UNLESS they have the means to carry out said threat. Well we already know he was armed. That makes that a credible threat. Since no charges were ever filed against him then I'd say the local police were giving him a pass. Me? I'd have locked him up on the charge of "general asshattery" but I wasn't consulted. 

Did he at least get fired for having questionable decision making abilities in a job that requires good morals? Nope. They didn't fire him but they didn't allow him to return to work. 

So what's this guy do? He sues the township saying he "may have suffered post traumatic stress disorder." Seriously?! Dude. This is not PTSD, it's a hangover and regretting the choices you made while you were drunk. 

Listen folks, the term "coyote ugly" came from people waking up sober and seeing the person they had drunk sex with. "I'd rather chew my arm off like a coyote than wake up this cock-eyed water buffalo next to me." We've all been there. Some of us more than once (or five or six times. Don't judge me, I drank a lot) and can relate to that "oh dear lord, what have I DONE?!" feeling the next day. It happens. 

If we could claim PTSD from sobering up and realizing that we did some really bone-headed shit the night before then just about everyone of legal (I threw "legal" in there like we haven't all gotten wasted well before the legal drinking age. Pfft) drinking age have suffered traumatically. Why do you think prohibition came about? Because we ALL do stupid shit when we are drunk. That's WHY we drink, so we can excuse our own fucktardery. Duh. 

What's worse is that he won. Yes, you read that right. The township settled with him to the tune of $437,000. On the advice of the township's legal counsel. Seriously?! The town's attorney thought that was the better option than letting it go to trial? 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please take this bottle of Grey Goose or Patron home with you. Some of you may need a bottle of each. Go home, get fitshaced and come back tomorrow. We will keep the lights dim and speak quietly tomorrow for you."

Then next day the case would end quickly. "Your honor, the plaintiff is an idiot, he's wasting your time and our money. Please dismiss this case and let us all go home. If not then let the jury hand down a verdict of 'denied' so those poor drunk bastards can all go home and nurse their hangovers. Oh, and Mr Harroway, the folks at the hardware store said they found your underwear. Apparently you hung them on an axe handle and tried to claim aisle three as your sovereign territory."

Instead, the taxpayers of that town in Michigan are forced to reward a police officer's moral turpitude with their own hard earned money. Absolute bullshit. 

Oh, and in the settlement, should anyone seek a work reference for this guy the city is required to give a "neutral recommendation." He can't handle his liquor or his temper and everyone pays for it but him. As long as we continue to allow this type of injustice then our country will continue its downward spiral. 

Here's the link: 

http://www.mlive.com/news/saginaw/index.ssf/2015/12/township_to_pay_437k_in_settlem.html