Wednesday, June 3, 2015

"Siri ously Irritating"

Ok..so I run my blog from my iPhone. I have a laptop but I don't really know how to use it. I write all my "poetry" and posts in the notes section of my iPhone. Whenever I'm ready to post something then I'll copy and paste it. Sounds pretty simple, right? I like simple. 
Here lately I've had several people ask me if I dictate stuff into my phone while I'm driving. No, I manually type it all out. For 2 reasons. The first of which is that I can't speak what I write. I know it sounds odd but, let's face it, I AM odd. I can't even just have a conversation with someone. I have to be playing solitaire or reading a book or something in order to carry on a conversation. Manually typing it out slows my brain down enough to let the words flow. 
The second reason? Quite simple. I have an iPhone. iPhone has Siri. Siri and I don't get along. Personally, I think there's a solution. Make Siri a guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about females here. My keeper is a female and we talk quite a lot and I think she's awesome in every way. However, Siri is her own special brand of female. She's set to English but either she doesn't understand it or I'm an idiot. My keeper would probably say it's a toss-up at times. Rightly so. 

Siri and I...we have a "hate/hate" relationship. Here's kinda how our "talks" go...

Me: Siri, call Michael
Siri: I'm sorry, I can't find micro in your contacts. 
M: no..call..Michael
S: I didn't find any movies called "fall"
M: nooo...callll...Michael
S: the weather will be sunny today in San Diego. 
M: wtf?!
S: I'm sorry, I can't take any requests at the moment. 
Really, it's easier to just pick up the damn phone and punch in numbers. It's not worth the fights. 
I'd hate to see how my poems would come out. 

Did they have Professor Xavier programming Siri?! It takes some level of telepathy to work with this thing. She's the queen of passive-aggressive, Siri is. The other day I was just in a generally frustrated mood and snapped while talking to myself. Splendid job, Apple, setting Siri up to respond to my voice even if I don't hold down the "Siri do what I command" button. She scared the hell outta me. Here I scream "you suck" and Siri pops up out of nowhere with "after everything I've done for you?". Seriously?! Like WHAT, raise my blood pressure? 
Little Miss Siri seems to think I couldn't function without her. That's not the case. What I need is someone to talk me down when Siri makes me homicidal. Nothing quite makes my day like when I say, "send a message to Firefly." (No, that's not her real name. We are truck drivers; we only call people by their real names when we are mad at them. A truck driver calling you by your legal name is like your mom using all three of your names.) and Siri responds with "I found 4 results for 'flyby' on the Internet."  What?! Did I lapse into Hindi or something, Siri?! 

So I propose we make Siri male. We can just call him Dude. Just make him casual. "Hey, Dude, call Mike".  I bet he'd come back with something like, "yeah, man, I'm going give him a jingle. You guys chat and I'll just chill over here." 
Hey, Dude, send Firefly a message..."you got it, bro. Tell her I said howdy." Thanks, Dude. 

See? Easy. Listen up, Apple. Help us out a little. Explain to Siri that we all speak just a little differently or at different speeds. Or bring us something that's not going to want to make us throw our phone out the window.