"Why r less Internot"

I don't know how many, if any, of you have satellite internet. I signed up for it after seeing ads on Dish. 

Below is a copy of the email I've had to send because of my experiences with them. 

July 12, 2015

Dear Exede Customer Service and/or Legal Department:

This letter is in regards to account number 302755734. I would like to inform you I'll no longer be using your services. However, as your company has breached any agreement repeatedly, I expect there will not be your customary fee of $15 per month for cancellation. 

When I called to order service I was informed your internet service was "the fastest on the market". This was, indeed, a misrepresentation. Your internet service is, in fact, so slow it's like I'm using 2 tin cans on a string. I'm unable to watch Netflix without it constantly buffering, I'm unable to FaceTime with people without it constantly having to reconnect and I can't even surf the Internet effectively. Do you have any idea what it's like to try to show my kids what a rock badger looks like and it takes so long to fully load the picture we thought it was a photo of an opossum? This is damaging to their education and their religious teachings as the rock badger is one of the animals expressly forbidden for us to consume in Leviticus. They can't avoid eating one of they can't identify one. 

Also, when I called to order your service I specifically stated REPEATEDLY that I wanted the dish on a pole in the front yard and not on my roof. I spent $10,000 on a roof that your contractor subsequently damaged by drilling holes in. One would think that since I have a Dish Network dish on a POLE IN MY FRONT YARD that this wouldn't be a difficult connection for them to make. When I complained about it being on my roof I was told I'd have to pay $99 to have it moved. Even though it wasn't my mistake. I didn't climb up there and install it. Had I installed it I'm fairly certain my installation location instructions would've been adhered to as I'm pretty good at listening to myself. Most of the time. 

Further, when I called about your service I was told it was 250GB. After a few months I was told it was 150GB. However, I recently received an email stating it is now 20GB but I can "upgrade". 20GB?! Seriously?! My PHONE plan is 20GB. And I'm usually close to going over even that. Who in the world uses only 20GB for home internet?! Is this the plan reserved for people living in the Congo without computers?! 

That plan is what you guys called your "Freedom" plan. Free to do what, NOT use the Internet?! Since America is not yet listed as a Third World country I would expect your company would know that we Americans enjoy using the Internet. With only 20GB it is so restrictive as to be counterproductive. 

For those of you not yet in the new millennia, we have things like Facebook, blogs, and tablets that require the Internet. These things require both data and speed, neither of which is your company even mediocre at. 

If you wish to retrieve your dish from my ROOF, feel free to do so at your expense. In fact, I encourage you to do so and contract a roofer to repair the holes in my roof and shingles. I have spare shingles in my shed so you'll only need to pay them to fix the holes but you won't have to pay for more shingles. Besides, I wouldn't trust your company to get the color right and I don't need mismatched shingles. It wouldn't be fashionable and I don't want my neighbors to point and laugh. 

Now, I'll assume your legal department is as inept as your customer service and product so I'm sure you're going to parse words over "well it's in the contract you signed". Which is the same response I got from your Customer Service Rep, Jason operator I.D. 99766, when I was incredulous at your customer service telling me my connectivity problems were due to your company slowing my internet speeds. 

I find this a fantastic claim as I signed no contract with your company. I did make a verbal agreement based upon your duplicitous claims of speed and data usage. However, since these proved to be not only false but outlandishly deceitful, I will not be held to such verbal agreements. Had the commitments you agreed to been honored then we wouldn't be having this electronic discussion. 

Now, considering your download speed, I'll assume it's going to take you several days to actually open and read this email. Therefore, I'll grant you a week to reply with any rebuttals. Failure to respond will be considered acquiescence to my statement that there will be no further charges up to and including cancellation charges. Should I receive any threats of collection then this matter will be further addressed in court where I'll pursue compensation for the services I've paid for and not received, roof repairs, punitive damages for my mental anguish in dealing with you, my kids' mental anguish, and any lost time wages for having to appear in court. To be forewarned, my daily rate is $750.00. Should I have to travel for said hypothetical future court date then I'll also expect to be recompensed for travel costs and meals. I like to eat well so those meals will only be at the finest restaurants. Most likely I'll have rack of lamb or steak and lobster. I find that goes best with grilled asparagus a la carte and a nice Grey Goose dry martini. Ok, I don't really like martinis but I do like Grey Goose and I'm worried I'll sound weird just ordering shots with dinner. 

Disgruntled (Like I'm Sure Many Of Your Customers Are)

Christian Touchet

"Urine Some Trouble, Mister"

Diesel fuel isn't cheap and I'm kinda miserly when it comes to wasting it. As a result, I tend to sleep with my windows half down and my bunk door open. Then, if it's summertime, I'll turn on a fan to circulate the air. When I've got my dogs with me I idle occasionally because they don't do well in 100+ degree temps. The poor things wear fur coats. 

Now that I have an air conditioner I'm getting a little spoiled. I'll be honest. But I still idle as little as possible to save that previous fuel. Two dogs and a sweaty truck driver; it can get a little "not so fresh" smelling at times. So having the windows down, door open and a fan helps air it out a bit. Nothing like that fresh air circulating, right? Except the air isn't always so fresh. Especially at truck stops. Nothing like the smell of stale urine and diesel fumes. The diesel I can live with. It's almost an aphrodisiac after a few years. The urine smell? Not so sexy. 

I do this job too, I get that sometimes time isn't our friend. Just about every trucker out there has a Gatorade bottle or whatnot that they've had to use as a port-o-potty. It's not glamorous but it's better than wearing Depends. 

What I don't get, though, is the need to get out of your truck and pee on the ground. You're not camping. There's a truck stop a few hundred feet away. Do we have to act like we are complete animals? 

I was taking my kids to Walmart one day and there was a truck with trailer parked in a part of the lot where people tend to set up RVs. Yeah, they set up RVs there. What, like you're on vacation at the Walmart parking lot?! Of all the places to have your mail forwarded. "Load up, Ma, we're goin on vacation to tha Walmart again!"

Anyway, there's this truck there. I see the guy get out, go between his truck and trailer and start taking a leak. We call it "kicking the water out of our tires". Dude, you're at Walmart. Go inside. Act human ish. 

Last week I carried my girlfriend's shower bag out of the truck stop. She's pretty and very petite but she's tough so I had to arm wrestle her to win the right to carry her bag. It was a close battle but I finally won. (We had to go 2 out of 3). She's also very tidy and clean. Which is a good thing. Especially if you're disorganized like I am. And absent-minded. How absent minded? Well, I carry her bag up to where we are parked next to each other then set her bag on the ground. Boy, you should've seen the horror in her eyes. Followed by some arm flailing and woeful sounding stuttering of "wh-wh-what ha-ha-have you DONE???" She may have considered burning it and its contents and starting over. I simply wasn't thinking; no one sets anything on the ground at a truck stop. Why? Because it makes a landfill look sanitary. Even I looked at my offending hand in horror. "Oh no! Did I seriously just do that?!" 

I say she's "tidy and clean" but what I really mean is that Mr Clean asks HER if something is clean enough. She's a bit obsessive compulsive about clean and that bag is meant to never touch the ground ANYWHERE. She puts it on her bed (which, as far as I'm aware, is even made when she's sleeping) and I had just completely desecrated it. 

You ever notice that when a truck stop closes down nobody buys that location and opens up shop? I'm guessing it's because it takes longer for that ground to not be considered a biohazard than Chernobyl. Lord knows it probably takes 50 years for the stink to go away. 

Sometimes I wonder why people look at me like I'm the drudge of society after learning I'm a truck driver. Then I get on the road and see how we act collectively and sigh in disgust. Bags of trash just left in the parking lot like we've got curbside service and stuff. It'd be nice if it were like at the Four Seasons and they just picked up our room service trays outside. But this is no fancy hotel. It's a truck stop. Or a Walmart. Or a rest area. 

An empty truck stop parking lot kinda looks like the fairgrounds after you "normals" have finished with it on Fourth of July weekend. All post apocalyptic and shit. 

Everyone's all "Oooohhh ohhh oh, save the planet" and junk but then it looks like a paper bag and plastic bottle factory blew up after everyone goes home. 

"Singled Out"

I've got a question for the guys out there. And I'm sure you ladies can weigh in on it. Ok, ok, I know "weigh in" isn't a good phrase when talking to women, maybe I could've used different wording. But you get my meaning. 

Let's start off with two simple scenarios, shall we? Guys, look at this from a different perspective if necessary. Ladies, correct them when they're wrong. What am I saying? Of course you will. That's part of why we guys love you ladies, you keep us in line. We need that. Guys, if you say you don't then you're only lying to yourselves. Embrace it. 

Ok, let me set this first scenario up...

Imagine you're meeting up with your girlfriend out on the road. You're parked right next to each other. Me, I've got 2 big, slobbering mutts. Three if I'm honest about it; I sometimes drool too so I suppose I count. So you and your significant other (ladies, you're always the significant other as we guys can barely dress ourselves. It could even be argued that we can't even though we have pants and shirt on.) take the beasts for walks, hang out and watch movies, go get a bite to eat together and go back to separate vehicles to go to bed. 

The next morning, say 5:30 ish, you look over all "googly eyed" as she's getting herself together enough to feel comfortable going inside. (We guys, we feel comfortable going out in public regardless of how ridiculous we look. That's part of why we need you ladies.) That's when some random dude walks by and knocks on her door. "You single?" That's his only question. Hasn't even seen her outside her vehicle, and if he has, she's been with you. Lucky guy that you are, she points right at you and says "I'm with him". Makes you feel all "Grog thump chest. Grog happy her claim him" doesn't it guys? It's ok. We all have a little caveman in us. Again, embrace it fellas. 

Then that inner caveman shifts gears. Wait...did this clown just walk up and open with "you single?"?! Did he seriously just wander through the truck stop before dawn and try a singles bar pickup line on her?! This guy couldn't see anything but her shoulders up and went "she'll do". Insulting. To both you and her. Right folks?

Scenario number two: your significant other has a slight mechanical issue. You're 1,000 miles away from her but on the phone. You hear a guy who appears gentlemanly trying to help her. You hear her telling the guy about her boyfriend. Repeatedly. Again with the "Grog hear her claim him. Grog's eyeballs sweating. What happen to Grog?" He's clearly aware she has a boyfriend and seems to genuinely just want to help her. That's the right thing to do. 

As any nice guy would, he offers to buy her lunch. He's friendly, there's no reason to not be nice and accept. How many of us have gone to lunch with new friends to talk about work? Pretty much all of us. 

Guys, you know where this is going. Ladies, most of you are already starting to cringe. Why? Because not even 10 minutes into lunch the new guy friend is beginning to make inappropriate comments. Openly hitting on her.

Raise your hand if you saw that coming. You've got your hand raised, don't you ladies? Guys, put your hands down. We are guys, we knew what was going to happen from the beginning of "you hear a guy". And the "he offers to buy her lunch" triggers all sorts of alarms. I'll be honest, I kept my composure when I heard it but I kinda wanted to yell "don't do it, it's a trap!" Why? Because most of the males reading this know that's some weird "guy code" for "I know you're with someone but I've gotta give it a shot." Sad. Sad that we are that predictably shallow and disrespectful as a breed. Are all guys like this? No. But many are. I bet you ladies are going "no, no MOST of them are!" It's getting so the pigs in the group outnumber the guys that don't actually have "ulterior motives" when it comes to women. 

Why is that? We all see these scenarios frequently. Or some variation thereof. We shake our heads at these guys who do this. We've all heard the lines... A lady says "I'm married" the guy says "I won't tell". Or he says "well I don't see him right now". 

It's like watching Animal Planet some days. "Watch as the male attempts to separate the attractive female from the herd. See how he stealthily slides up to her...watch as he uses primitive phrases in an effort to steal her from her mate. Ooohh...she shoots him down! But wait! He's undaunted and tries to move in closer. Unfazed by her rejection he is determined. We can tell he has finally given up when he insults her and skulks off to lick his wounds. His pride may take days to recover"

Folks, this is not acceptable behavior. I know it and you know it yet we see it happen. For the men out there, let me ask you something. Imagine you have a daughter. Imagine every guy out there is treating her like a piece of meat. Wanna hit someone yet? You'd want her treated with respect, right? Well guess where that starts. It starts with us. It starts with teaching our kids to treat people with respect and honor commitments. Theirs and others'. 

On that note, if you've got a significant other what are you hitting on other women for?! Notice I directed this at guys? There's a reason. And you guys be honest about this. Most of the time it's guys trying to chat up women. Women don't usually walk around going "you single?". Nor do they invite us to lunch and try to use it as an opportunity to get us in bed. There are a couple reasons for that. One, most single guys don't need any coaxing. Just hint at sex and he's paying the check before the appetizer hits the table. Second, maybe most women just have more class than we animalistic males. 

Guys, please, if we can get offended by stupid stuff why can't we get offended enough about having your wives and daughters disrespected to make a change?