Monday, July 13, 2015

"Why r less Internot"

I don't know how many, if any, of you have satellite internet. I signed up for it after seeing ads on Dish. 
Below is a copy of the email I've had to send because of my experiences with them. 

July 12, 2015

Dear Exede Customer Service and/or Legal Department:

This letter is in regards to account number 302755734. I would like to inform you I'll no longer be using your services. However, as your company has breached any agreement repeatedly, I expect there will not be your customary fee of $15 per month for cancellation. 
When I called to order service I was informed your internet service was "the fastest on the market". This was, indeed, a misrepresentation. Your internet service is, in fact, so slow it's like I'm using 2 tin cans on a string. I'm unable to watch Netflix without it constantly buffering, I'm unable to FaceTime with people without it constantly having to reconnect and I can't even surf the Internet effectively. Do you have any idea what it's like to try to show my kids what a rock badger looks like and it takes so long to fully load the picture we thought it was a photo of an opossum? This is damaging to their education and their religious teachings as the rock badger is one of the animals expressly forbidden for us to consume in Leviticus. They can't avoid eating one of they can't identify one. 
Also, when I called to order your service I specifically stated REPEATEDLY that I wanted the dish on a pole in the front yard and not on my roof. I spent $10,000 on a roof that your contractor subsequently damaged by drilling holes in. One would think that since I have a Dish Network dish on a POLE IN MY FRONT YARD that this wouldn't be a difficult connection for them to make. When I complained about it being on my roof I was told I'd have to pay $99 to have it moved. Even though it wasn't my mistake. I didn't climb up there and install it. Had I installed it I'm fairly certain my installation location instructions would've been adhered to as I'm pretty good at listening to myself. Most of the time. 
Further, when I called about your service I was told it was 250GB. After a few months I was told it was 150GB. However, I recently received an email stating it is now 20GB but I can "upgrade". 20GB?! Seriously?! My PHONE plan is 20GB. And I'm usually close to going over even that. Who in the world uses only 20GB for home internet?! Is this the plan reserved for people living in the Congo without computers?! 
That plan is what you guys called your "Freedom" plan. Free to do what, NOT use the Internet?! Since America is not yet listed as a Third World country I would expect your company would know that we Americans enjoy using the Internet. With only 20GB it is so restrictive as to be counterproductive. 
For those of you not yet in the new millennia, we have things like Facebook, blogs, and tablets that require the Internet. These things require both data and speed, neither of which is your company even mediocre at. 
If you wish to retrieve your dish from my ROOF, feel free to do so at your expense. In fact, I encourage you to do so and contract a roofer to repair the holes in my roof and shingles. I have spare shingles in my shed so you'll only need to pay them to fix the holes but you won't have to pay for more shingles. Besides, I wouldn't trust your company to get the color right and I don't need mismatched shingles. It wouldn't be fashionable and I don't want my neighbors to point and laugh. 
Now, I'll assume your legal department is as inept as your customer service and product so I'm sure you're going to parse words over "well it's in the contract you signed". Which is the same response I got from your Customer Service Rep, Jason operator I.D. 99766, when I was incredulous at your customer service telling me my connectivity problems were due to your company slowing my internet speeds. 
I find this a fantastic claim as I signed no contract with your company. I did make a verbal agreement based upon your duplicitous claims of speed and data usage. However, since these proved to be not only false but outlandishly deceitful, I will not be held to such verbal agreements. Had the commitments you agreed to been honored then we wouldn't be having this electronic discussion. 
Now, considering your download speed, I'll assume it's going to take you several days to actually open and read this email. Therefore, I'll grant you a week to reply with any rebuttals. Failure to respond will be considered acquiescence to my statement that there will be no further charges up to and including cancellation charges. Should I receive any threats of collection then this matter will be further addressed in court where I'll pursue compensation for the services I've paid for and not received, roof repairs, punitive damages for my mental anguish in dealing with you, my kids' mental anguish, and any lost time wages for having to appear in court. To be forewarned, my daily rate is $750.00. Should I have to travel for said hypothetical future court date then I'll also expect to be recompensed for travel costs and meals. I like to eat well so those meals will only be at the finest restaurants. Most likely I'll have rack of lamb or steak and lobster. I find that goes best with grilled asparagus a la carte and a nice Grey Goose dry martini. Ok, I don't really like martinis but I do like Grey Goose and I'm worried I'll sound weird just ordering shots with dinner. 

Disgruntled (Like I'm Sure Many Of Your Customers Are)

Christian Touchet

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