"Urine Some Trouble, Mister"

Diesel fuel isn't cheap and I'm kinda miserly when it comes to wasting it. As a result, I tend to sleep with my windows half down and my bunk door open. Then, if it's summertime, I'll turn on a fan to circulate the air. When I've got my dogs with me I idle occasionally because they don't do well in 100+ degree temps. The poor things wear fur coats. 

Now that I have an air conditioner I'm getting a little spoiled. I'll be honest. But I still idle as little as possible to save that previous fuel. Two dogs and a sweaty truck driver; it can get a little "not so fresh" smelling at times. So having the windows down, door open and a fan helps air it out a bit. Nothing like that fresh air circulating, right? Except the air isn't always so fresh. Especially at truck stops. Nothing like the smell of stale urine and diesel fumes. The diesel I can live with. It's almost an aphrodisiac after a few years. The urine smell? Not so sexy. 

I do this job too, I get that sometimes time isn't our friend. Just about every trucker out there has a Gatorade bottle or whatnot that they've had to use as a port-o-potty. It's not glamorous but it's better than wearing Depends. 

What I don't get, though, is the need to get out of your truck and pee on the ground. You're not camping. There's a truck stop a few hundred feet away. Do we have to act like we are complete animals? 

I was taking my kids to Walmart one day and there was a truck with trailer parked in a part of the lot where people tend to set up RVs. Yeah, they set up RVs there. What, like you're on vacation at the Walmart parking lot?! Of all the places to have your mail forwarded. "Load up, Ma, we're goin on vacation to tha Walmart again!"

Anyway, there's this truck there. I see the guy get out, go between his truck and trailer and start taking a leak. We call it "kicking the water out of our tires". Dude, you're at Walmart. Go inside. Act human ish. 

Last week I carried my girlfriend's shower bag out of the truck stop. She's pretty and very petite but she's tough so I had to arm wrestle her to win the right to carry her bag. It was a close battle but I finally won. (We had to go 2 out of 3). She's also very tidy and clean. Which is a good thing. Especially if you're disorganized like I am. And absent-minded. How absent minded? Well, I carry her bag up to where we are parked next to each other then set her bag on the ground. Boy, you should've seen the horror in her eyes. Followed by some arm flailing and woeful sounding stuttering of "wh-wh-what ha-ha-have you DONE???" She may have considered burning it and its contents and starting over. I simply wasn't thinking; no one sets anything on the ground at a truck stop. Why? Because it makes a landfill look sanitary. Even I looked at my offending hand in horror. "Oh no! Did I seriously just do that?!" 

I say she's "tidy and clean" but what I really mean is that Mr Clean asks HER if something is clean enough. She's a bit obsessive compulsive about clean and that bag is meant to never touch the ground ANYWHERE. She puts it on her bed (which, as far as I'm aware, is even made when she's sleeping) and I had just completely desecrated it. 

You ever notice that when a truck stop closes down nobody buys that location and opens up shop? I'm guessing it's because it takes longer for that ground to not be considered a biohazard than Chernobyl. Lord knows it probably takes 50 years for the stink to go away. 

Sometimes I wonder why people look at me like I'm the drudge of society after learning I'm a truck driver. Then I get on the road and see how we act collectively and sigh in disgust. Bags of trash just left in the parking lot like we've got curbside service and stuff. It'd be nice if it were like at the Four Seasons and they just picked up our room service trays outside. But this is no fancy hotel. It's a truck stop. Or a Walmart. Or a rest area. 

An empty truck stop parking lot kinda looks like the fairgrounds after you "normals" have finished with it on Fourth of July weekend. All post apocalyptic and shit. 

Everyone's all "Oooohhh ohhh oh, save the planet" and junk but then it looks like a paper bag and plastic bottle factory blew up after everyone goes home. 

"A Pig On The Throne"

As a truck driver I travel through many states. I've been to all of the 48 contiguous states multiple times. I get to put a lot of miles under my heels. This leads to a lot of "potty breaks". I'm sure you're wondering, "where's he going with this?" Well...

I know it's not considered good form to talk about the goings on in bathrooms but, let's face it, I'm not known for my good form. Besides, I'm in a pissy mood right now. We can approach this like adults, right? 

There's some restroom etiquette that seems to be slipping these days. Which surprises me considering how incredibly "progressive and politically correct" we are pretending to be as a nation. So I'm gonna take the time to go over things that I thought all parents were teaching their kids. Clearly I was mistaken about that though. 

Rule #1 seems a simple one to me. If you approach a bathroom stall and the door is closed, KNOCK! Thank goodness most stalls have locking mechanisms these days. Most. Some are in ill repair and if you walk up and push that door open like you're kicking in those swinging bat doors of an Old West saloon don't be surprised if someone gets a bit irritated with you. "Didn't your parents teach you to knock, asshole?!" Yes, I've uttered those words on occasion. And if I'd had a cane or something I'd have nutted them with it. 

Rule #2: for the love of all that is holy, FLUSH! Hey, you made it, stay with it til it's gone. I don't care if you've gotta pull that handle like you're in Vegas trying to win your retirement from a nickel slot machine. No one wants to walk in and see the brown bomber doing the breaststroke. 

Speaking of which, I've seen some messes. Baaaad ones. Make sure your ENTIRE ASS is over the drop zone. Wtf, people?! Are you finger-painting in there?! I don't know who these "poop Picassos" are but that type of artwork isn't really necessary. Animals. Which leads us to

Rule #3: you're clever, you're creative. I get that. I also understand that when we are sitting there we can get bored. Look, if you're in there so long you can write a running political column on the walls, see a doctor. You may need to seriously consider dietary changes. There's limited real estate and we've places to be. And what are you bringing markers in there for anyway?! Have some consideration. You're not in there on vacation; other people need to go too. 

Rule #4:wash your friggin hands. More and more often I see people just walk out and bypass the sinks like they just pissed holy water. Newsflash, you didn't. There's this thing called "sanitary", look it up. Afterward look up "hygienic". 

I once witnessed a guy leave a stall (the greenish fog permeating the room indicates he did a lot more than pee), walk right past the sink and out the door. When I realized he was eating the buffet I knew I wasn't eating that night. 

Rule #5: I don't know why guys have to go into stalls, leave the door open and pee. But, if that's your thing, have some courtesy and aim in the general area of the bowl. Lifting the seat would be nice too. 

How is it hunters can hit a deer in the heart from 50 yards but they can't seem to hit a two foot diameter bowl with a quarter inch wide stream of pee from 3 feet directly above it?! I'm not asking you to be a sniper, I'm just asking you to not be Helen Keller. 

Rule #6: if you shave in the sink, clean up after yourself. Take some paper towels and wipe up the hair. I don't want to walk up to brush my teeth or wash my hands and see a bear cub climbing up outta there. If you've gotta shave, I understand. So do I. Luckily, I can go 3-4 days between shaves. I'm not very hirsute. Some of you guys grow Paul Bunyan looking beards in a day. I'm not sure which of us is the mutant but good grief. Just the other day I walked in and it looked like Chewbacca had a day at the groomer's. Hair EVERYWHERE. I thought a Sasquatch had exploded. How the hell did that guy get hair on the CEILING?! 

Rule #7: this isn't Mexico. Here we can actually flush the toilet paper. It doesn't need to go on the floor. I've actually seen little signs showing people to flush the toilet paper. The TA truck stop in Richmond,Va was the first time I'd seen that and I thought "we really need to be told?"  Yep, we sure do. Especially in places like Texas, New Mexico and Arizona. It's like walking in and seeing tumbleweeds. Not sexy folks. 

Rule #8: this is the final one I can think of tonight. If you are at a truck stop and don't have shower credits, ask around. The odds are there's a driver with extra showers he can give. I understand that paying $12-13 for a shower is ridiculous. Turns out that showers aren't "basic rights" and truck stops charge dearly for them regardless of the millions of dollars a day they make in fuel. 

However, with many drivers having extra showers, there is never a need to wash to your private parts right there at the bathroom sink. Pull your pants up and ask around. On many occasions I've given people shower coupons because they were in need. Trust me, I was doing EVERYONE a favor. 

Now, you would think no one would have to tell people these things but it's becoming more and more common that I see some variation of these on a daily basis. Except the whole "bathing in the sink" thing. It's rare that I see that. 

I'll admit that I did work as a "restroom valet" in a few clubs at one point. I actually made a darn good living turning on sinks and handing out towels for a year or two. I noticed that when there is a bathroom attendant people tend to make that detour to the sink and wash up a bit. Maybe it's because they felt obligated to lest they be called out on it when they went back out into the club. Maybe that's a position truck stops should start to consider. Should it really be necessary though? Can't we all just act like we have a little common sense and courtesy all by ourselves?