"Gone Fishin"

So I was stuck in New York this weekend. Right off the river. So I thought I'd get some fishing in. I'll admit, I'm not real good at things like hunting and fishing. In fact, I do most of my hunting and fishing at Winn Dixie. It's just easier and I'm a horrible shot. 

Fishing I can usually manage so long as it's not hot out. Fishing is supposed to be relaxing so I found a way to make it more relaxing. I don't bait the hook. Every time I do some fish comes along and hooks itself then I've gotta go through all the trouble of reeling it in, usually to discover it's not worth the effort.

If there are other people around then I've gotta do the masculine thing and clean it and stuff or I look silly. My only way around that is to find someone to give it to. "Here ya go kid, I can't eat fish anymore but I so enjoy catching them." Blah blah blah. (Although we all know I eat tuna and/or salmon or mackerel every day. I just prefer catching it in the can. It keeps better that way). At least then I look generous and I get to keep my "Man Card". 

I've got that "Grog the Caveman" side of me but I think ole Grog wasn't a hunter or even a gatherer. He was the "hey, guys, I'll chill here and make sure this fire thing doesn't go out. It took us forever to discover it; we can't afford to let it disappear again." type. I'm pretty sure that's where all those cave drawings come from, bored cavemen playing connect the dots while "guarding" the fire. 

There's even a good chance that my caveman type is responsible for domesticating dogs. I figure it went like: "hey, mutt. Look, you'd better do some growling and shit when other animals come around. You've seen what the other guys come back with, yeah? That could be you. Do some noises and I'll try to convince them not to eat you. You seem kinda cool. Hey! Are you even listening?! Wag your tail or drool or something if you're paying attention." 

Clearly, the dogs in China didn't get the memo. Now they're food. Shoulda listened. Or maybe they didn't have the sensible caveman types there to have a chat with dogs. 

Cats? That's a different story entirely. Don't blame the cavemen for that. Blame the Egyptians. Like they did stuff that made sense? Those guys built giant pyramids that don't seem to have a purpose. They put up gargantuan statues like the Sphinx. So worshipping cats only makes sense. Now those bipolar, schizophrenic creatures think they own us. 

Every neighborhood has that "crazy cat lady". You know the one...she's 40, never married and feeds every cat in the neighborhood. She's harmless. Or she's off her rocker. It's always a toss-up. And, ladies, if you put clothes on your cats and their pictures are all over your house and your neighborhood doesn't have a "cat lady"...yes it does. They just don't call you that where you can hear them. 

It's ok though. Really. I mean, look at Catwoman. She turned out pretty cool. Plus, cats are better at fishing than I am. 

Dogs serve a purpose. They protect us. Mine have protected me from more squirrels than I can count. They've kept me warm in the winter. Someone within a 1,000 feet of my truck? I'm covered. In fact, I can safely say that I'm not worried about ever being attacked by crickets either. And loyal? Affectionate? Pfft! A dog is happy if you just come home. 

Cats? Totally different story. Where dogs have owners, cats have servants. They're weird little critters. It's like playing "rock, paper, scissors" with an octopus. Even when you win, you lose. They've got 2 looks: awake and asleep. No way of telling if they actually want you to touch them or if they're luring you in for a closer strike. You'd might as well have a pet badger. Trying to pet a cat is like trying to play catch with a cactus. Sleep? I hope you're a day sleeper. For an animal that's constantly in stealth mode they become the noisiest things in the world after 2:30 in the morning. They're like ninjas except when you're trying to sleep. And talk about neurotic. You wanna completely screw up a cat for a few days? Rearrange the furniture. They hate that shit. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate cats. I've had cats before. I think they're amazing, lithe animals. But one big difference between cats and dogs is you can't own a cat. You can feed it, you can take care of it and you can love it but you can never really own one. If they had opposable thumbs they'd have no use for us. It'd just be "hey, how did 68 cans of tuna get put on the shopping list?!" Meow. These are animals that've convinced us to bring dirt inside and clean up their poop in the box. Crafty. And the little bastards...they can't stand it when you clean that box. While you're still pouring litter in there they'll jump in and poo. While looking right at you like "yeah, this is MY box. Now clean it again human!"

Maybe the Egyptians had it figured out though. They worshipped them. They elevated them to royal status. In short, they put them on pedestals. Which made me think. Cats are reincarnated women. 

"Singled Out"

I've got a question for the guys out there. And I'm sure you ladies can weigh in on it. Ok, ok, I know "weigh in" isn't a good phrase when talking to women, maybe I could've used different wording. But you get my meaning. 

Let's start off with two simple scenarios, shall we? Guys, look at this from a different perspective if necessary. Ladies, correct them when they're wrong. What am I saying? Of course you will. That's part of why we guys love you ladies, you keep us in line. We need that. Guys, if you say you don't then you're only lying to yourselves. Embrace it. 

Ok, let me set this first scenario up...

Imagine you're meeting up with your girlfriend out on the road. You're parked right next to each other. Me, I've got 2 big, slobbering mutts. Three if I'm honest about it; I sometimes drool too so I suppose I count. So you and your significant other (ladies, you're always the significant other as we guys can barely dress ourselves. It could even be argued that we can't even though we have pants and shirt on.) take the beasts for walks, hang out and watch movies, go get a bite to eat together and go back to separate vehicles to go to bed. 

The next morning, say 5:30 ish, you look over all "googly eyed" as she's getting herself together enough to feel comfortable going inside. (We guys, we feel comfortable going out in public regardless of how ridiculous we look. That's part of why we need you ladies.) That's when some random dude walks by and knocks on her door. "You single?" That's his only question. Hasn't even seen her outside her vehicle, and if he has, she's been with you. Lucky guy that you are, she points right at you and says "I'm with him". Makes you feel all "Grog thump chest. Grog happy her claim him" doesn't it guys? It's ok. We all have a little caveman in us. Again, embrace it fellas. 

Then that inner caveman shifts gears. Wait...did this clown just walk up and open with "you single?"?! Did he seriously just wander through the truck stop before dawn and try a singles bar pickup line on her?! This guy couldn't see anything but her shoulders up and went "she'll do". Insulting. To both you and her. Right folks?

Scenario number two: your significant other has a slight mechanical issue. You're 1,000 miles away from her but on the phone. You hear a guy who appears gentlemanly trying to help her. You hear her telling the guy about her boyfriend. Repeatedly. Again with the "Grog hear her claim him. Grog's eyeballs sweating. What happen to Grog?" He's clearly aware she has a boyfriend and seems to genuinely just want to help her. That's the right thing to do. 

As any nice guy would, he offers to buy her lunch. He's friendly, there's no reason to not be nice and accept. How many of us have gone to lunch with new friends to talk about work? Pretty much all of us. 

Guys, you know where this is going. Ladies, most of you are already starting to cringe. Why? Because not even 10 minutes into lunch the new guy friend is beginning to make inappropriate comments. Openly hitting on her.

Raise your hand if you saw that coming. You've got your hand raised, don't you ladies? Guys, put your hands down. We are guys, we knew what was going to happen from the beginning of "you hear a guy". And the "he offers to buy her lunch" triggers all sorts of alarms. I'll be honest, I kept my composure when I heard it but I kinda wanted to yell "don't do it, it's a trap!" Why? Because most of the males reading this know that's some weird "guy code" for "I know you're with someone but I've gotta give it a shot." Sad. Sad that we are that predictably shallow and disrespectful as a breed. Are all guys like this? No. But many are. I bet you ladies are going "no, no MOST of them are!" It's getting so the pigs in the group outnumber the guys that don't actually have "ulterior motives" when it comes to women. 

Why is that? We all see these scenarios frequently. Or some variation thereof. We shake our heads at these guys who do this. We've all heard the lines... A lady says "I'm married" the guy says "I won't tell". Or he says "well I don't see him right now". 

It's like watching Animal Planet some days. "Watch as the male attempts to separate the attractive female from the herd. See how he stealthily slides up to her...watch as he uses primitive phrases in an effort to steal her from her mate. Ooohh...she shoots him down! But wait! He's undaunted and tries to move in closer. Unfazed by her rejection he is determined. We can tell he has finally given up when he insults her and skulks off to lick his wounds. His pride may take days to recover"

Folks, this is not acceptable behavior. I know it and you know it yet we see it happen. For the men out there, let me ask you something. Imagine you have a daughter. Imagine every guy out there is treating her like a piece of meat. Wanna hit someone yet? You'd want her treated with respect, right? Well guess where that starts. It starts with us. It starts with teaching our kids to treat people with respect and honor commitments. Theirs and others'. 

On that note, if you've got a significant other what are you hitting on other women for?! Notice I directed this at guys? There's a reason. And you guys be honest about this. Most of the time it's guys trying to chat up women. Women don't usually walk around going "you single?". Nor do they invite us to lunch and try to use it as an opportunity to get us in bed. There are a couple reasons for that. One, most single guys don't need any coaxing. Just hint at sex and he's paying the check before the appetizer hits the table. Second, maybe most women just have more class than we animalistic males. 

Guys, please, if we can get offended by stupid stuff why can't we get offended enough about having your wives and daughters disrespected to make a change?