"I'm Trucking Sirius"

I've got SiriusXM radio. I've had it for a couple years now. I drive around all day listening to "the devil's music". High intensity rock and metal keeps me going on the road. I've been quite happy with them Sirius folks. 

But then things went a little sideways with them recently. I've been told that when I get irritated I can be a little condescending and snarky. And I was definitely irritated the other day so bare with me here. Let's start at the beginning and fast forward to today. 

(Scooby-Doo style flashback here): back when I first got Sirius I just bought one of those portable plug and play type deals. The Onyx, I think it was. I set it all up, ran the antenna wire outside and ran the aux cable to my stereo and called to set up my subscription. All was right with the world. 

Around November last year the wires started fraying for the power cord. But I didn't realize that right away. I just knew the power would come and go. So the portable docking station broke from being slammed violently into my dash repeatedly one day as I hurled obscenities. Ok, that part might've been my fault but I hate having my music interrupted.

December last year I decided just to buy a whole new stereo that had Sirius built in. By "built in" they meant I needed to by an adaptor for the back and a good antenna for outside. Ok. More stuff bought, no big deal. All set up and ready to go. 

I call in, deactivate the old radio and activate the new one. Woohoo! I'm in business now! 

Flash forward to today now. Stay with me; I know time travel can be disorienting but I've got faith in you. Space/time travel sickness bags are located 10 minutes behind you, though, if you need them. 

So today I call because I notice I've been paying twice what my subscription costs. Oh, it's because I apparently have 2 radios I'm paying for. Well how the hell did THAT happen?! 

So I end up on the phone with Art, an apparently entry level customer service drone. Here's the best account I can recall of the conversation as retold to me by my roommate who happened to be listening:

Art: well, sir, would you like to deactivate one device at this time?

Me: no. I'd like to deactivate it 5 months ago like I called in THEN to do. 

A: ok. And what else can I do for you?

M: well, we need to figure out what to do about the fact I've been overcharged for the last 5 months. 

A: let me check with my supervisor. (There's a 2 minute pause) yes, sir. We can refund you the overcharge for this month. 

M: excellent news, compadre. So what do we do about the other 4 months I was overcharged? Are they working on that? 

A: we can only refund one month, sir. We do understand you've been overcharged by $55 so we'd like to offer you 4 months for free. 

M: sweet! That'll work just fine for me. So how's that work, I just kick back and wait until the end of September to start paying again? 

A: you pay $41 today and that covers you for the next 6 months. 

M: wait. What?! Help me out here, Art. You just said you guys essentially owe me $55 and for the low low price of $41 MORE dollars I'll get service for free for another 4 months. You seem reasonably not stupid so riddle me this: how is me paying you MORE money "free"?

A: well, sir, you'd only be paying for 2 months and the other 4 are free. I think it's actually a pretty good deal. 

M: Art, your English is really good so I'm assuming you've got a good handle on the language. So I'm curious how you think me paying the $55 I've already paid plus another $41 seems like "a good deal". Maybe it's this new common core math tripping me up but by my calculations that's $96 I'll have paid for 6 months of service I'm supposed to be paying $18 for now. 

So, my understanding of the word "free" is that if I pay anything above, say ZERO, then it's not "free". See, where I come from "free" means gratis, at no charge, zero cost. You following me, Sparky? I reject your idea of "free".  Just refund me what you've overcharged me and we can start over. 

A: if we refund you the $55 then we won't be able to offer you this special. Besides, it was your responsibility to catch this on your bill months ago. 

M: I tried to be responsible by calling you guys in December. Good grief, I didn't call Time Warner to cancel my Sirius subscription. I called you guys thinking, I don't know, that maybe you guys would cancel my subscription; not double charge me.

A: and that's why we're trying to offer you this special. 

M: the one where I pay you guys more money  instead of getting a refund like I'm some retard. Right. So I'll tell ya what, we've clearly reached a point where we are miscommunicating. So this is the part where I ask for your supervisor and you tell me your supervisor won't do anything different. Then you and I bicker back and forth and I ultimately work my way up the ladder to someone who can. What say we skip all that aggravation and I just talk to the floor manager now? 

A: hold please. 

Then I get a supervisor named Sarah. Nice lady. She saw documentation where I called in to cancel the old subscription, agreed that I should just get the next 4 months at no charge and updated the system. So now I won't get a bill until November since she felt I should get a little extra time for my inconvenience and frustration. 

I'm still a satisfied customer who gets to continue getting his Nonpoint and Avatar fix. All it took was some polite communication with the nice folks at Sirius. 

"Why r less Internot"

I don't know how many, if any, of you have satellite internet. I signed up for it after seeing ads on Dish. 

Below is a copy of the email I've had to send because of my experiences with them. 

July 12, 2015

Dear Exede Customer Service and/or Legal Department:

This letter is in regards to account number 302755734. I would like to inform you I'll no longer be using your services. However, as your company has breached any agreement repeatedly, I expect there will not be your customary fee of $15 per month for cancellation. 

When I called to order service I was informed your internet service was "the fastest on the market". This was, indeed, a misrepresentation. Your internet service is, in fact, so slow it's like I'm using 2 tin cans on a string. I'm unable to watch Netflix without it constantly buffering, I'm unable to FaceTime with people without it constantly having to reconnect and I can't even surf the Internet effectively. Do you have any idea what it's like to try to show my kids what a rock badger looks like and it takes so long to fully load the picture we thought it was a photo of an opossum? This is damaging to their education and their religious teachings as the rock badger is one of the animals expressly forbidden for us to consume in Leviticus. They can't avoid eating one of they can't identify one. 

Also, when I called to order your service I specifically stated REPEATEDLY that I wanted the dish on a pole in the front yard and not on my roof. I spent $10,000 on a roof that your contractor subsequently damaged by drilling holes in. One would think that since I have a Dish Network dish on a POLE IN MY FRONT YARD that this wouldn't be a difficult connection for them to make. When I complained about it being on my roof I was told I'd have to pay $99 to have it moved. Even though it wasn't my mistake. I didn't climb up there and install it. Had I installed it I'm fairly certain my installation location instructions would've been adhered to as I'm pretty good at listening to myself. Most of the time. 

Further, when I called about your service I was told it was 250GB. After a few months I was told it was 150GB. However, I recently received an email stating it is now 20GB but I can "upgrade". 20GB?! Seriously?! My PHONE plan is 20GB. And I'm usually close to going over even that. Who in the world uses only 20GB for home internet?! Is this the plan reserved for people living in the Congo without computers?! 

That plan is what you guys called your "Freedom" plan. Free to do what, NOT use the Internet?! Since America is not yet listed as a Third World country I would expect your company would know that we Americans enjoy using the Internet. With only 20GB it is so restrictive as to be counterproductive. 

For those of you not yet in the new millennia, we have things like Facebook, blogs, and tablets that require the Internet. These things require both data and speed, neither of which is your company even mediocre at. 

If you wish to retrieve your dish from my ROOF, feel free to do so at your expense. In fact, I encourage you to do so and contract a roofer to repair the holes in my roof and shingles. I have spare shingles in my shed so you'll only need to pay them to fix the holes but you won't have to pay for more shingles. Besides, I wouldn't trust your company to get the color right and I don't need mismatched shingles. It wouldn't be fashionable and I don't want my neighbors to point and laugh. 

Now, I'll assume your legal department is as inept as your customer service and product so I'm sure you're going to parse words over "well it's in the contract you signed". Which is the same response I got from your Customer Service Rep, Jason operator I.D. 99766, when I was incredulous at your customer service telling me my connectivity problems were due to your company slowing my internet speeds. 

I find this a fantastic claim as I signed no contract with your company. I did make a verbal agreement based upon your duplicitous claims of speed and data usage. However, since these proved to be not only false but outlandishly deceitful, I will not be held to such verbal agreements. Had the commitments you agreed to been honored then we wouldn't be having this electronic discussion. 

Now, considering your download speed, I'll assume it's going to take you several days to actually open and read this email. Therefore, I'll grant you a week to reply with any rebuttals. Failure to respond will be considered acquiescence to my statement that there will be no further charges up to and including cancellation charges. Should I receive any threats of collection then this matter will be further addressed in court where I'll pursue compensation for the services I've paid for and not received, roof repairs, punitive damages for my mental anguish in dealing with you, my kids' mental anguish, and any lost time wages for having to appear in court. To be forewarned, my daily rate is $750.00. Should I have to travel for said hypothetical future court date then I'll also expect to be recompensed for travel costs and meals. I like to eat well so those meals will only be at the finest restaurants. Most likely I'll have rack of lamb or steak and lobster. I find that goes best with grilled asparagus a la carte and a nice Grey Goose dry martini. Ok, I don't really like martinis but I do like Grey Goose and I'm worried I'll sound weird just ordering shots with dinner. 

Disgruntled (Like I'm Sure Many Of Your Customers Are)

Christian Touchet