Thursday, July 30, 2015

"Gone Fishin"

So I was stuck in New York this weekend. Right off the river. So I thought I'd get some fishing in. I'll admit, I'm not real good at things like hunting and fishing. In fact, I do most of my hunting and fishing at Winn Dixie. It's just easier and I'm a horrible shot. 
Fishing I can usually manage so long as it's not hot out. Fishing is supposed to be relaxing so I found a way to make it more relaxing. I don't bait the hook. Every time I do some fish comes along and hooks itself then I've gotta go through all the trouble of reeling it in, usually to discover it's not worth the effort.
If there are other people around then I've gotta do the masculine thing and clean it and stuff or I look silly. My only way around that is to find someone to give it to. "Here ya go kid, I can't eat fish anymore but I so enjoy catching them." Blah blah blah. (Although we all know I eat tuna and/or salmon or mackerel every day. I just prefer catching it in the can. It keeps better that way). At least then I look generous and I get to keep my "Man Card". 

I've got that "Grog the Caveman" side of me but I think ole Grog wasn't a hunter or even a gatherer. He was the "hey, guys, I'll chill here and make sure this fire thing doesn't go out. It took us forever to discover it; we can't afford to let it disappear again." type. I'm pretty sure that's where all those cave drawings come from, bored cavemen playing connect the dots while "guarding" the fire. 
There's even a good chance that my caveman type is responsible for domesticating dogs. I figure it went like: "hey, mutt. Look, you'd better do some growling and shit when other animals come around. You've seen what the other guys come back with, yeah? That could be you. Do some noises and I'll try to convince them not to eat you. You seem kinda cool. Hey! Are you even listening?! Wag your tail or drool or something if you're paying attention." 
Clearly, the dogs in China didn't get the memo. Now they're food. Shoulda listened. Or maybe they didn't have the sensible caveman types there to have a chat with dogs. 

Cats? That's a different story entirely. Don't blame the cavemen for that. Blame the Egyptians. Like they did stuff that made sense? Those guys built giant pyramids that don't seem to have a purpose. They put up gargantuan statues like the Sphinx. So worshipping cats only makes sense. Now those bipolar, schizophrenic creatures think they own us. 
Every neighborhood has that "crazy cat lady". You know the one...she's 40, never married and feeds every cat in the neighborhood. She's harmless. Or she's off her rocker. It's always a toss-up. And, ladies, if you put clothes on your cats and their pictures are all over your house and your neighborhood doesn't have a "cat lady"...yes it does. They just don't call you that where you can hear them. 
It's ok though. Really. I mean, look at Catwoman. She turned out pretty cool. Plus, cats are better at fishing than I am. 

Dogs serve a purpose. They protect us. Mine have protected me from more squirrels than I can count. They've kept me warm in the winter. Someone within a 1,000 feet of my truck? I'm covered. In fact, I can safely say that I'm not worried about ever being attacked by crickets either. And loyal? Affectionate? Pfft! A dog is happy if you just come home. 

Cats? Totally different story. Where dogs have owners, cats have servants. They're weird little critters. It's like playing "rock, paper, scissors" with an octopus. Even when you win, you lose. They've got 2 looks: awake and asleep. No way of telling if they actually want you to touch them or if they're luring you in for a closer strike. You'd might as well have a pet badger. Trying to pet a cat is like trying to play catch with a cactus. Sleep? I hope you're a day sleeper. For an animal that's constantly in stealth mode they become the noisiest things in the world after 2:30 in the morning. They're like ninjas except when you're trying to sleep. And talk about neurotic. You wanna completely screw up a cat for a few days? Rearrange the furniture. They hate that shit. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate cats. I've had cats before. I think they're amazing, lithe animals. But one big difference between cats and dogs is you can't own a cat. You can feed it, you can take care of it and you can love it but you can never really own one. If they had opposable thumbs they'd have no use for us. It'd just be "hey, how did 68 cans of tuna get put on the shopping list?!" Meow. These are animals that've convinced us to bring dirt inside and clean up their poop in the box. Crafty. And the little bastards...they can't stand it when you clean that box. While you're still pouring litter in there they'll jump in and poo. While looking right at you like "yeah, this is MY box. Now clean it again human!"
Maybe the Egyptians had it figured out though. They worshipped them. They elevated them to royal status. In short, they put them on pedestals. Which made me think. Cats are reincarnated women.