Today was one of those days. I got a very pleasant call from Susan who told me how excited I should be. Yes, I keep notes when people call. One thing my teachers taught me...you never know when there's going to be a pop quiz. So I like to be prepared. Here's how the conversation went:
Me (seeing it said "caller id blocked"): hello! You're on the air! You're lucky caller number 12! What's your name caller?
Me: well, H-H-Hello, I see you've called to join our conversation on why Jeff shouldn't be ashamed of his stutter. What would you like to say, H-H-Hello? Feel free to t-t-take your time.
Susan: um...is Mr. Two shit available?
Me: you mean Touchet? (People are always mispronouncing my name. A dead giveaway that they don't know me) Yes, you're on the air with him now.
Susan: my name is Susan from the rewards department. We show you took an online survey.
Me: well, Susan, your stutter cleared up. So are you taking "Speak Smooth" like Jeff did? I've heard great things about that product.
So, rewards? That's awesome. I was just telling my listeners that I felt my job wasn't rewarding enough.
By the way, this call may be recorded for training purposes, quality control or just for the hell of it. Is that ok?
Me: ok. We will accept that as an ok. It sounded close enough. So, tell our listeners about the reward for the survey I didn't take online. Unless you mean that button I accidentally hit while I was surfing porn. Not my fault, the goat knocked the computer over. Anyway, goat ahead..
Susan: well it's magazines. Wait. Is now a bad time to call? Would you like us to call another time?
Me: nah. Go ahead with your spiel if you'd like. I know how you guys love telling us what we've won that we never wanted and won't use.
Susan: (whispering. It sounded like she was covering the mouthpiece) *can I disconnect? Well, yes, he's responding but I think it's a radio station or something. Sigh. Ok*. (In her normal voice) well, sir, as a valued Visa or MasterCard holder, you're automatically signed up for the grand prize of $25,000 and the drawing for $2,500. In addition, you get 4 magazines free for one year. Maxim, Car&Driver, Sports Illustrated and (honestly I can't remember what the fourth one was).
Now, there is a shipping and handling charge of $4.99 but that's one fee for all 4 magazines. Isn't that great?!
Me: well, that's horrible. I was dating a Maxim cover model when I wrecked my car on the way to a football game. Seeing that combination in my mailbox would set me back 3 years of therapy. Speaking of therapy, how long were you in therapy for that stutter? You still haven't told us what you think of Jeff's story.
Oh, and I don't have any credit cards, by the way. I can't afford the $6 processing fee to apply for them. I do have baseball cards though. Will you guys let me pay you in baseball cards? They're not really baseball cards. They're of me when I played T ball a couple of years ago but I think you'll love them.
Susan: oh. Well then I can send you or catalog of over 250 titles to choose from sir.
Me: excellent. Can you email that in Braille. I'm blind. Do you have magazines for blind people? If I send an extra $4.99 a month can you have someone come describe the pictures for me?
Susan: oh. Um. Uh.
Me: look, Susan, you seem nice but indecisive. Tell me, did you have abandonment issues at a young age? Have you gotten therapy for this? I don't think it's good for a young lady with abandonment issues to call old guys who are watching porn while they drive. Is this what led to your stutter?
Then there was a click and she quit playing. Oh well, I lose more new friends that way.