Tuesday, July 28, 2015

"Call Me Bored"

Now that cell phone numbers are on call lists for telemarketers I've found I get more phone calls. That's nice, I don't get to talk to too many people so I always welcome new friends. Sadly, though, those new friends never invite me to parties. Makes me feel like they're just using me. 
Today was one of those days. I got a very pleasant call from Susan who told me how excited I should be. Yes, I keep notes when people call. One thing my teachers taught me...you never know when there's going to be a pop quiz. So I like to be prepared. Here's how the conversation went:

Me (seeing it said "caller id blocked"): hello! You're on the air! You're lucky caller number 12! What's your name caller?

Susan: h-h-hello?

Me: well, H-H-Hello, I see you've called to join our conversation on why Jeff shouldn't be ashamed of his stutter. What would you like to say, H-H-Hello? Feel free to t-t-take your time. 

Susan: um...is Mr. Two shit available? 

Me: you mean Touchet? (People are always mispronouncing my name. A dead giveaway that they don't know me) Yes, you're on the air with him now. 

Susan: my name is Susan from the rewards department. We show you took an online survey. 

Me: well, Susan, your stutter cleared up. So are you taking "Speak Smooth" like Jeff did? I've heard great things about that product. 
So, rewards? That's awesome. I was just telling my listeners that I felt my job wasn't rewarding enough. 
By the way, this call may be recorded for training purposes, quality control or just for the hell of it. Is that ok? 

Susan: uh. 

Me: ok. We will accept that as an ok. It sounded close enough. So, tell our listeners about the reward for the survey I didn't take online. Unless you mean that button I accidentally hit while I was surfing porn. Not my fault, the goat knocked the computer over. Anyway, goat ahead..

Susan: well it's magazines. Wait. Is now a bad time to call? Would you like us to call another time?

Me: nah. Go ahead with your spiel if you'd like. I know how you guys love telling us what we've won that we never wanted and won't use. 

Susan: (whispering. It sounded like she was covering the mouthpiece) *can I disconnect? Well, yes, he's responding but I think it's a radio station or something. Sigh. Ok*. (In her normal voice) well, sir, as a valued Visa or MasterCard holder, you're automatically signed up for the grand prize of $25,000 and the drawing for $2,500. In addition, you get 4 magazines free for one year. Maxim, Car&Driver, Sports Illustrated and (honestly I can't remember what the fourth one was). 
Now, there is a shipping and handling charge of $4.99 but that's one fee for all 4 magazines. Isn't that great?!

Me: well, that's horrible. I was dating a Maxim cover model when I wrecked my car on the way to a football game. Seeing that combination in my mailbox would set me back 3 years of therapy. Speaking of therapy, how long were you in therapy for that stutter? You still haven't told us what you think of Jeff's story. 
Oh, and I don't have any credit cards, by the way. I can't afford the $6 processing fee to apply for them. I do have baseball cards though. Will you guys let me pay you in baseball cards? They're not really baseball cards. They're of me when I played T ball a couple of years ago but I think you'll love them. 

Susan: oh. Well then I can send you or catalog of over 250 titles to choose from sir. 

Me: excellent. Can you email that in Braille. I'm blind. Do you have magazines for blind people? If I send an extra $4.99 a month can you have someone come describe the pictures for me? 

Susan: oh. Um. Uh. 

Me: look, Susan, you seem nice but indecisive. Tell me, did you have abandonment issues at a young age? Have you gotten therapy for this? I don't think it's good for a young lady with abandonment issues to call old guys who are watching porn while they drive. Is this what led to your stutter?

Then there was a click and she quit playing. Oh well, I lose more new friends that way.