"Call Me Bored"

Now that cell phone numbers are on call lists for telemarketers I've found I get more phone calls. That's nice, I don't get to talk to too many people so I always welcome new friends. Sadly, though, those new friends never invite me to parties. Makes me feel like they're just using me. 

Today was one of those days. I got a very pleasant call from Susan who told me how excited I should be. Yes, I keep notes when people call. One thing my teachers taught me...you never know when there's going to be a pop quiz. So I like to be prepared. Here's how the conversation went:

Me (seeing it said "caller id blocked"): hello! You're on the air! You're lucky caller number 12! What's your name caller?

Susan: h-h-hello?

Me: well, H-H-Hello, I see you've called to join our conversation on why Jeff shouldn't be ashamed of his stutter. What would you like to say, H-H-Hello? Feel free to t-t-take your time. 

Susan: um...is Mr. Two shit available? 

Me: you mean Touchet? (People are always mispronouncing my name. A dead giveaway that they don't know me) Yes, you're on the air with him now. 

Susan: my name is Susan from the rewards department. We show you took an online survey. 

Me: well, Susan, your stutter cleared up. So are you taking "Speak Smooth" like Jeff did? I've heard great things about that product. 

So, rewards? That's awesome. I was just telling my listeners that I felt my job wasn't rewarding enough. 

By the way, this call may be recorded for training purposes, quality control or just for the hell of it. Is that ok? 

Susan: uh. 

Me: ok. We will accept that as an ok. It sounded close enough. So, tell our listeners about the reward for the survey I didn't take online. Unless you mean that button I accidentally hit while I was surfing porn. Not my fault, the goat knocked the computer over. Anyway, goat ahead..

Susan: well it's magazines. Wait. Is now a bad time to call? Would you like us to call another time?

Me: nah. Go ahead with your spiel if you'd like. I know how you guys love telling us what we've won that we never wanted and won't use. 

Susan: (whispering. It sounded like she was covering the mouthpiece) *can I disconnect? Well, yes, he's responding but I think it's a radio station or something. Sigh. Ok*. (In her normal voice) well, sir, as a valued Visa or MasterCard holder, you're automatically signed up for the grand prize of $25,000 and the drawing for $2,500. In addition, you get 4 magazines free for one year. Maxim, Car&Driver, Sports Illustrated and (honestly I can't remember what the fourth one was). 

Now, there is a shipping and handling charge of $4.99 but that's one fee for all 4 magazines. Isn't that great?!

Me: well, that's horrible. I was dating a Maxim cover model when I wrecked my car on the way to a football game. Seeing that combination in my mailbox would set me back 3 years of therapy. Speaking of therapy, how long were you in therapy for that stutter? You still haven't told us what you think of Jeff's story. 

Oh, and I don't have any credit cards, by the way. I can't afford the $6 processing fee to apply for them. I do have baseball cards though. Will you guys let me pay you in baseball cards? They're not really baseball cards. They're of me when I played T ball a couple of years ago but I think you'll love them. 

Susan: oh. Well then I can send you or catalog of over 250 titles to choose from sir. 

Me: excellent. Can you email that in Braille. I'm blind. Do you have magazines for blind people? If I send an extra $4.99 a month can you have someone come describe the pictures for me? 

Susan: oh. Um. Uh. 

Me: look, Susan, you seem nice but indecisive. Tell me, did you have abandonment issues at a young age? Have you gotten therapy for this? I don't think it's good for a young lady with abandonment issues to call old guys who are watching porn while they drive. Is this what led to your stutter?

Then there was a click and she quit playing. Oh well, I lose more new friends that way. 

Guest Post: Flash Fiction

Whatever

It’s really not that hard, you just make a decision. You think about what you want to do and then you work at it. Simple. Easy. That’s what I tell him, but it never sinks in.

Lots of people change their jobs, but you need to pick a vocation. You have to start. If you don’t do something you will never be ready for anything, that’s what I’ve been telling him for three years. I keep on telling him, but he never listens. Now I’m trying to show him carpentry, but he’s always distracted.

“I’ve got a splitting headache.”

Lot that phone will do for you son. Yeah, keep on staring at that phone, texting, watching videos.

“Son, will you put that thing down and pay attention!”

“Wait It’s almost done, Dad you should see this.”

“No thanks.”

Boy can’t read you know, that school just passed him through, can’t read a sentence, can’t turn a page, doesn’t know what a page is. Hell doesn’t know what a book is. Last month I bought him a book, he never read it.

“Come on son, put it down we need to cut these boards. I need to get these deck boards cut before it rains.” Deaf as a post. Put your gloves and goggles on and go get that plank over there.”

“What’s a plank Dad? Don’t look at me that way. I asked cause I don’t know. You always tell me to ask, don’t you?”

“The planks are the one by sixes, thinner than the other boards, and they are as long as the shed.”

Always ignores me, don’t pay no attention. I showed him everything as a kid, took him places, took him to Washington, told him about this country, took him to a Chicago museum just to show him a dinosaur. I showed that kid how to ski down a mountain when he was seven, and now all he does is look at that damn phone.

“I will set the guide fence on the saw, but you need to keep an eye on the plank as we guide it through.”

“I don’t like this saw, it’s noisy and I’m kinda scared of it. Can’t you get someone else to help.”

“No, I got you. Afraid you might learn something, huh. Just keep your eyes on the board, it needs to go straight and not bind the blade or she’ll kick back. Now, son look at me, are you ready?”

“Whatever… all-knowing father. Wisest man on the planet!”

Smart ass ain’t he. Got that from me. Only way I’d know he’s my kid. Ain’t got a lick a sense. Start this saw up, and then I don’t need to listen to his disrespectful mouth.

I motion to him to keep the board near the fence, he is shaking a little. Or maybe it’s that damn phone vibrating. I keep pushing at a nice steady speed, watching the fence, watching the board. Darn it! There’s a knot in the board. I should have looked at it. Gonna pop out, kid didn’t put his goggles on. I motion to him about his goggles and point to the knot. “Your goggles not the phone cover your eyes.” I keep putting one hand up to show him. Does he think I’m gonna call him while I’m pushin this board through. Here comes the knot, and there goes the knot, right up to his forehead. He’s not bleeding, gonna be fine.

“I’m done dad. I’m not helping no more. I going to Kaitlyn’s house.”

“Son, I need you here.”

“I’m not staying here cutting these stupid boards and doing whatever you want. I’m nineteen and I got a life. I’m going to Kaitlyn’s.”

“You know son, you got yourself a nice girl. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, and she’s pretty. What are you going do when she’s done school and moves on?”

“Thanks for the slap and the compliment. That’s what I love about you dad— can’t say something nice without saying something bad.”

“I’m not supposed to be your friend, I’m your father.”

 I need that kid and he’s not here. How am I going finish this. I just sit sometimes thinking about my boy. I need my boy. I need my boy. I need him. Stop crying you baby. I need him, God bring him back. Why’d you take him. I wasn’t done teaching him, not even close, had so much more to do and you stole him. Gimmie back my boy. Every time I sit on this deck, I hear those sirens going… I think about him. I hated that phone, I hated it so much I wanted to smash it with my hammer. Hate it Hate it… I can see myself striking it, watching the pieces fly into the air, but it never changes, he’s gone. I wasn’t done coaching you boy. You know I tried, you know it, I tried always every day, I kept trying to show you something, wanted you to be ready, more ready than me. Every father wants that… every dad, always wants their kids to be better than themselves. I kept telling him don’t talk and text on that phone while you’re driving. His mother bought him that phone, I was against it, and now she’s damned for it too. It was just a drive back from the market, he was just going to Kaitlyn’s. She was just going to the market, she be back soon. I hear them now, maybe that’s her car, maybe they’re getting a second chance. Them sirens blaring again, who is it now? This deck was for me and her, she liked a little wine in the evenings and watching the sunset, it was all for her. Now they’re both gone, and it’s just me and little Lisa. How do I tell her, her mom’s never coming back?

Dear god, how do I tell her… that her brother killed her mother?

Copyright © 2015 Artemis J Jones