"This Little Piggy"

My buddy, Daniel, showed me a fun recipe while I was visiting him. He took a nice pork loin, made a few cuts so it rolled out flat, seasoned it and prepped it for stage two. That's where he took boudin out of its casing and spread it on the pork loin before rolling it back up to its original shape. I got my hand slapped for trying to cut off a piece before he could cook it. He quickly tied it closed with twine and cooked it in a loaf pan like that. 

I patiently sat by the oven watching it cook, drooling the whole time like Pavlov had a bell concert going on. Occasionally I would take emotional comfort in the form of some of the incredible cookies his mom had made. Oh, I'm stealing that recipe too! I'll admit here that I nipped myself in the fingers a few times. I knew what was in that oven and I wasn't taking my eyes off of it.

So there I was, groping blindly for cookies to occupy my mind when the timer finally rang. Music to my stomach! I'm pretty sure he thought I was part golden retriever the way I set my head on the counter and whimpered as that pork loin just lay there cooling and resting. Agony! Just give it to me hot! Hell, just pour the juice into a cup and let me drink it! It was like a delicious meat Swiss roll. Eat your heart out Little Debbie! 

I've since gone home and toyed with this recipe. When I make it I put a link of andouille in the middle and wrap the loin in strips of bacon. Yes, bacon. Thick, peppered bacon just the way God intended bacon to be. It's a pork buffet in a single pan. 

I'm thinking of trying a variation of this with red meat except that'll be tricky because we all know the only way to eat red meat is rare. I like my steak with a little life left in it. Sometimes I have to wrestle it but that just adds to the enjoyment. 

So why am I telling you all this? Because I wanted to discuss another important component here. See, when I rein myself in a little there's leftovers. Leftovers of this pork loin are a treasure that'll be hard to top. 

You take a slice of the pork torte, a couple slices of bread, some mayo, ham, cheese (Gouda or mozzarella are excellent for this occasion) and tomato slices and you've got a fantastic sandwich. 

The bread is extremely important here. Too thin and you've just got "mayo fingers". Mayo fingers isn't sexy. So some nice, thick sliced sourdough is the way to go. I prefer to slice it about 3/4 of an inch thick. It's even better if you have a panini press. Or a Foreman grill. Maybe brush a little garlic butter on the outsides before you toast it. I like to elevate my sandwiches to "art" status. 

Oh, you don't eat bread? You're "gluten free"? You fell for that gluten free nonsense they're selling? That's too bad. Whoever started that fad should be shot. 

How is it 10 years ago the only glute anyone knew about was the butt and now everyone's afraid of glutens?! Everyone's running around worried about flour and I'm over here smiling at my sandwich. 

There's "vegetarian" where you don't eat meat except fish and shrimp and stuff because "fish isn't meat". Weird because salmon doesn't taste like apples to me. But vegetarian is "healthier". Healthier than what? Being happy?! What poppycock is this that fish isn't meat? Of course it is. 

And this gibberish "I don't anything that has a face"? That's why we don't serve the whole cow, goober, so it isn't just laying there smiling at you while you enjoy a filet mignon. "Meat is murder". Pfft. Murder is murder; meat is delicious and nutritious. Look, if my dogs were made of bacon I'd eat them. 

Then there's "vegan" which is like the gestapo of the vegetarian class. Not only do they not eat meat, they don't eat anything dairy or anything "animal by-product". So all they eat is plants. Clearly whoever started this fad was chewing on marijuana or those weird mushrooms that make you hear colors and taste sounds. 

So these hippies think we should just eat plants. Only now the plants are striking back. Wheat has apparently taken out advertising to get us off gluten. We can't use peanuts for anything anymore because of allergies. Next we will develop an allergy to lettuce or something. See what you're making the plants do, vegans? 

Tofu isn't a food group. Nor is "organic". Somebody comes up with an idea for how to charge more for food. That's all that "organic" nonsense is. It's the same food, just with a different label on it. Tomfoolery, I tell you. 

We have incisors and canine teeth, people! We were meant to eat meat. Salad is what my dinner ate. Vegans is what causes cannibalism. They end up getting so strung out for actual protein (which is what our body uses to build muscle by the way) that they end up snacking on themselves. 

Here we are apex predators and these jackalopes are back to foraging for berries. You're embarrassing us in front of the other animals. The other animals are going to think we've gone soft. This is how you set it up for rock badgers to take over. 

Have some meat! Don't ask where it came from. You don't need to run down the genealogy of a rabbit in order to enjoy some stew. Besides, do you have any idea how long it'd take to trace that back? They breed like bunnies. 

You want "nonGMO", "non gluten"? Get a friggin fishing license and catch some food. Or go hunting at Winn-Dixie like I do. Gluten free pizza has to taste like goat ass with tomato sauce. That's no way to live. 

Like one person in a million is actually allergic to gluten. The rest of you are just following the herd on that. Makes me wonder if that didn't start that whole "gluten free" thing as some kind of mass social experiment. Some "diet expert" made a bet with another one. "Watch, I bet I can get everyone to quit eating bread." Then they snickered when people started falling for it. 

Look, you're not "gluten intolerant". Being vegan doesn't make you healthier than omnivores. I've known a few vegans and I can certainly tell you that vegans don't seem to be any more "moral" than I am. 

What you are is the top of the damn food chain. Start acting like it, people. 

"Eating Dis Order and Dat Order"

Let's face it, I'm a pig. I can admit to that. I'm in love with food and, as a result, I eat like a tiger shark. The strongest muscle in my body isn't my heart, it's my jaw. There's a good chance that if anyone ever opened me up it'd look like a weird flea market booth with all the stuff I've eaten. "I'm sorry, we have to send the contents of his stomach to the Smithsonian. We've never seen anything like this in a human."

Some people eat because they're hungry, some eat out of boredom. I eat just because I enjoy it. I mean, I eat to live and stuff but I also eat just because I like food. The tastes, the textures, the smell of it cooking. Hell, I'm getting hungry just typing this out. I tell people I want to travel the world and they're all, "so you're looking for adventure?"  Nah, I'm looking for food. Especially in Europe. I'd eat my way across Europe like a one man Mongol horde. "Get outta my way, I'm going after some schnitzel today!" 

I used to think that my appetite was getting exponentially larger. As it turns out, some foods are just getting smaller. Which is weird in America because our portion control is ridiculous. On the one hand we've got double quarter pounders and on the other we've got tacos made out of tortillas the size of Kennedy coins. What gives, people?! Be consistent. That's all I'm asking. 

Why charge $2.00 for a fajita that's half the size of the one I paid $1.00 for a couple years ago?! That's how people get hurt. Here I am all excited about getting my grub on and they hand me a chicken fajita that'd look small to a midget. Not cool. Now I have to order more of them. And that's the hook. They get us hooked on certain foods like carnivore junkies then dial back the dosage while upping the price. Clever. Risky but clever. 

Just today I stopped and got my slice of "mega meat" pizza (seriously, they failed to understand what "mega" actually means) and hot wings. Why hot wings? Because I'm a fool for them. Only these wings...were they from hatchlings?! I hear people talk about growth hormones in food but there's no way they added them to these guys. I ate 4 wings before I realized they had bones. I'd thought they'd accidentally given me nuggets. 

Imagine my disappointment when they were fried and flavored but the truck stops quit actually putting the buffalo sauce on them. It's not natural I tell ya. I want buffalo wings, not "barely above mild flavored" wings. I feel so betrayed. I need that buffalo wing sauce. It's like an ambrosia for my hunger's soul. Yes, my appetite gets its own soul. Don't look at me like that. 

Which leads me to this "organic" thing. It's "organic chicken". That's the explanation I got for chicken little being served these days. "It's naturally smaller because it's all organic."  Oh. Organic chicken. Gotcha. So can we bring back the cyborg stuff? It was tasty and there was more of it. I liked the fake chicken. 

Oh, there are organic vegetables too now. That's good. They're vegetables. They grow in the ground. How much more "organic" can they get?? Take the damn organic vegetables and feed them to the damn chickens and grow them before you cook them up. Is that a difficult thing to ask?

I know, I know, "organic" means no growth hormones and stuff. And there's also "free range" where they wander around and eat of the land. Because it's more humane. Then they round them all up and kill them. But at least they lived an enjoyable life before they were slaughtered. They're chickens!! They didn't rent Lamborghinis and party on the Vegas strip. They ate worms, grubs and whatever else they could peck. They flapped their useless little wings before they got served up to guys like me. You want them to live purposeful lives? Get them some free weights, let them bulk up those little arms. 

Companies throw out words like "organic" so they can charge more for smaller quantities. And people clamber for it because it's the newest fad. "Gluten free", "wheat germ free", "non gmo", "bland", blah blah blah. Our food is free of everything except charge. Grog wants gluten. In fact, if you're not eating yours I'll take it. 

Sorry, I got sidetracked, I was mentioning that I like food. What I was going to say is that I'm fortunate. There's not much that bothers my stomach. It might be all that Teflon I ate as a kid but I can pretty much eat roadkill with no side affects. Considering some of the places I've eaten I'd say I probably HAVE had roadkill disguised as a casserole. 

We truckers call most restaurants "greasy spoons". We use the term affectionately most of the time. It's like truth in advertising.   The only healthy thing on the menu at these places is probably the menu itself. But we go there as often as we can; to these hole in the wall places. Why? Because they're consistent. The prices don't jump up and the portions don't go on a diet. 

Look folks, I'm not saying you've gotta gorge yourself and get stricken by that disease called obesity. Nor am I encouraging restaurants to start heaping food on plates like they're trying to rebuild the pyramids. I am, however, saying that if you go to your local dine n dash joint and the food is shrinking but your tab is growing, maybe you should find a new favorite place so they get the message we don't like getting ripped off. Plus, I just don't trust the food at these places. If their food is losing weight how's it supposed to provide you with nourishment? "How do you expect me to eat this? Even your food is starving!"

You know what I miss? I used to walk into convenience stores and they were always making popcorn. God, the smell of fresh popcorn can make me hungry even if I just ate. Same with bacon. I go weak for bacon. If I walk in and someone is cooking bacon then it's guaranteed I'll order something. Hell, I've been full and walked into a truck stop while someone was making bacon and eggs and I walked out with a to go box. "I can't eat another bite. But that smells so good! I'll take a bacon and egg 4 egg omelet and 6 slices of bacon to go please!" Then I roll myself back out the door, out to my truck and straight into a food coma. Occasionally I'll wake up a little and eat some of my omelet and go back to sleep. Every day I'm like a bear preparing for hibernation. 

I don't just eat comfort food though. I like that phrase, "comfort food".  It's like I'm depressed when I'm not eating? I just cry while I'm driving along until I find some biscuits and gravy? They know me so well. 

Anyway, I eat healthy stuff too. Molly got me started on Kind bars. It was an accident. She didn't like them and knew I'd try them with my landfill appetite. They're delicious but they're definitely whole grain and whole nut. I think I lose weight eating them because they take so much energy to chew. But I love them. Sometimes, if I'm good, she'll toss me one like a Scooby Snack. It's also a tactic she employees to shut me up for 45 minutes. You simply can't talk when you're eating one of those things. It's like trying to whistle with a mouth full of crackers. 

I eat yogurt now too. Toss me a half gallon tub and a pound of granola and you've made a friend. I didn't think I'd like yogurt. It just seemed too girly to me but a friend of mine practically forced me to try it once. Basically that just meant opening one near me. Like I said, I'm a pig.