Friday, February 12, 2016

"Idiots at Work"

I guest starred on Ice Road Truckers the other day. Ok, so maybe I just drove through the snow and pretended there was a camera crew with me as I talked about my job. I'm all driving along going, "see, ya gotta be careful in these mountains when it's icy like this or you'll end up like that car over there.." Then I'd point to a car in the median. 
It was great fun and my audience loved it as my narrative continued. The camera would turn and pan to people slipping and sliding as they tried to maintain control. "Idiots behind the wheel" I'd call them. I cautioned my viewers to drive sensibly in non-dry weather. 

I know I'm considered a "professional driver" because of my line of work. However, not everyone behind the wheel of a big truck is, to my reckoning, "professional". I see plenty of these guys that just generally make the rest of us look bad. 
Maybe it's not just truckers though. Maybe Americans in general just lack sense. Both on the road and off. 
As a flatbedder I went to many a job site delivering materials. Nails, boards, sheets of metal, bulldozers, all-terrain forklifts, and other hazards were all over those sites. Yet I'd see drivers hop out wearing flip flops like they were about to unload a cooler at the beach. Then they'd bitch and moan about being told to put on actual SHOES. You know, those things designed to help you keep your toes. 

I'd see guys getting out of trucks with bellies swinging way past their crotch, wearing shirts from the kids section at Walmart. Dude, no one wants to see that. No one. Seriously, guys, if you feel a breeze blowing through your belly button and it's whistling like tornado in a canyon, maybe that should clue you in that your shirt is too small. 
If you're a guy with a "C" cup, maybe you should buy bigger clothes. Or go on a diet. I've had many a meal ruined by seeing some man-walrus belly up to the buffet trough and had that exposed flesh rubbing up on the food. Nothing makes me ask for my check quicker. In fact, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just typing this out. Why must I be such a visual thinker?! 

Speaking of which, who's the evil mastermind that started this trend of walking around in pajamas? Or socks with sandals? What the hell, people?! Pajamas are for going to bed, not for your afternoon stroll! What's next, walking around in briefs and a robe? "Oh, it's time to go get gas, better put my robe on." 
Back to the socks and sandals. Isn't the point behind sandals so that you can be barefoot but not have rocks hurt your feet? I've even seen guys wearing flip flops with socks. I mean, I appreciate you covering your talons but maybe shoes would go better with socks. The point behind socks is to absorb the sweat from your feet. You want to be barefoot but your feet sweat like a greenhouse?! 

And what's up with those ridiculous fingerless "driving gloves"? Clearly you didn't just step out of the gym. Is the steering wheel too heavy? What's next, a helmet while you drive?! This isn't Indy racing, it's truck driving. Although, admittedly, I see people in cars wearing gloves too sometimes. Let me help you out look stupid. We laugh at you folks who wear gloves to drive. 
Just once I want to get out of my truck at a truck stop wearing a full on NASCAR driving suit. Gloves, neck brace, helmet and all. I'd wait for some dude in his cute little fingerless gloves to ask why I'm dressed like that and I'd be all, "what? This is the next step up from your gloves, man. This is the 'full pro' kit they sell. You ready for the big leagues?" I bet the sarcasm would be lost on him though. Could you just imagine seeing someone driving around in their little Miata dressed like that? I'd wanna wreck into them and scream "rubbing is racing!" 

One day I'm going to have to go to the gokart racing track dressed like that. Stop every other lap and ask them for a tire change. I wonder how they'd react...

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