Monday, February 29, 2016

"This Little Piggy"

My buddy, Daniel, showed me a fun recipe while I was visiting him. He took a nice pork loin, made a few cuts so it rolled out flat, seasoned it and prepped it for stage two. That's where he took boudin out of its casing and spread it on the pork loin before rolling it back up to its original shape. I got my hand slapped for trying to cut off a piece before he could cook it. He quickly tied it closed with twine and cooked it in a loaf pan like that. 
I patiently sat by the oven watching it cook, drooling the whole time like Pavlov had a bell concert going on. Occasionally I would take emotional comfort in the form of some of the incredible cookies his mom had made. Oh, I'm stealing that recipe too! I'll admit here that I nipped myself in the fingers a few times. I knew what was in that oven and I wasn't taking my eyes off of it.
So there I was, groping blindly for cookies to occupy my mind when the timer finally rang. Music to my stomach! I'm pretty sure he thought I was part golden retriever the way I set my head on the counter and whimpered as that pork loin just lay there cooling and resting. Agony! Just give it to me hot! Hell, just pour the juice into a cup and let me drink it! It was like a delicious meat Swiss roll. Eat your heart out Little Debbie! 

I've since gone home and toyed with this recipe. When I make it I put a link of andouille in the middle and wrap the loin in strips of bacon. Yes, bacon. Thick, peppered bacon just the way God intended bacon to be. It's a pork buffet in a single pan. 
I'm thinking of trying a variation of this with red meat except that'll be tricky because we all know the only way to eat red meat is rare. I like my steak with a little life left in it. Sometimes I have to wrestle it but that just adds to the enjoyment. 

So why am I telling you all this? Because I wanted to discuss another important component here. See, when I rein myself in a little there's leftovers. Leftovers of this pork loin are a treasure that'll be hard to top. 
You take a slice of the pork torte, a couple slices of bread, some mayo, ham, cheese (Gouda or mozzarella are excellent for this occasion) and tomato slices and you've got a fantastic sandwich. 
The bread is extremely important here. Too thin and you've just got "mayo fingers". Mayo fingers isn't sexy. So some nice, thick sliced sourdough is the way to go. I prefer to slice it about 3/4 of an inch thick. It's even better if you have a panini press. Or a Foreman grill. Maybe brush a little garlic butter on the outsides before you toast it. I like to elevate my sandwiches to "art" status. 

Oh, you don't eat bread? You're "gluten free"? You fell for that gluten free nonsense they're selling? That's too bad. Whoever started that fad should be shot. 
How is it 10 years ago the only glute anyone knew about was the butt and now everyone's afraid of glutens?! Everyone's running around worried about flour and I'm over here smiling at my sandwich. 
There's "vegetarian" where you don't eat meat except fish and shrimp and stuff because "fish isn't meat". Weird because salmon doesn't taste like apples to me. But vegetarian is "healthier". Healthier than what? Being happy?! What poppycock is this that fish isn't meat? Of course it is. 
And this gibberish "I don't anything that has a face"? That's why we don't serve the whole cow, goober, so it isn't just laying there smiling at you while you enjoy a filet mignon. "Meat is murder". Pfft. Murder is murder; meat is delicious and nutritious. Look, if my dogs were made of bacon I'd eat them. 

Then there's "vegan" which is like the gestapo of the vegetarian class. Not only do they not eat meat, they don't eat anything dairy or anything "animal by-product". So all they eat is plants. Clearly whoever started this fad was chewing on marijuana or those weird mushrooms that make you hear colors and taste sounds. 
So these hippies think we should just eat plants. Only now the plants are striking back. Wheat has apparently taken out advertising to get us off gluten. We can't use peanuts for anything anymore because of allergies. Next we will develop an allergy to lettuce or something. See what you're making the plants do, vegans? 
Tofu isn't a food group. Nor is "organic". Somebody comes up with an idea for how to charge more for food. That's all that "organic" nonsense is. It's the same food, just with a different label on it. Tomfoolery, I tell you. 

We have incisors and canine teeth, people! We were meant to eat meat. Salad is what my dinner ate. Vegans is what causes cannibalism. They end up getting so strung out for actual protein (which is what our body uses to build muscle by the way) that they end up snacking on themselves. 
Here we are apex predators and these jackalopes are back to foraging for berries. You're embarrassing us in front of the other animals. The other animals are going to think we've gone soft. This is how you set it up for rock badgers to take over. 

Have some meat! Don't ask where it came from. You don't need to run down the genealogy of a rabbit in order to enjoy some stew. Besides, do you have any idea how long it'd take to trace that back? They breed like bunnies. 
You want "nonGMO", "non gluten"? Get a friggin fishing license and catch some food. Or go hunting at Winn-Dixie like I do. Gluten free pizza has to taste like goat ass with tomato sauce. That's no way to live. 

Like one person in a million is actually allergic to gluten. The rest of you are just following the herd on that. Makes me wonder if that didn't start that whole "gluten free" thing as some kind of mass social experiment. Some "diet expert" made a bet with another one. "Watch, I bet I can get everyone to quit eating bread." Then they snickered when people started falling for it. 
Look, you're not "gluten intolerant". Being vegan doesn't make you healthier than omnivores. I've known a few vegans and I can certainly tell you that vegans don't seem to be any more "moral" than I am. 
What you are is the top of the damn food chain. Start acting like it, people.