Saturday, March 26, 2016

"Playing Chopsticks"

So I'm back in the dating game. That means I've gotta figure out how to dress myself and stuff; try to make a good impression. Good news is that I dress my kids so that they look presentable. So I figured I'd just dress myself the same way. Only I made sure my socks matched. I thought that might be important. Not that I was planning on walking around with my shoes off and stuff. 
Try on an outfit, see if it works, try on another one. Repeat until I find the right combination. At first it was harder than I thought. Until I realized it was the neon green socks with the brown wingtip Florsheims that was the problem. After much deliberation I decided maybe a different colored sock was in order. Polka dots won. Hey, one can't be totally conformist. 

She'd suggested Thai or sushi. Two things I'd never had. Me, I was going to make reservations at Taco Bell but I figured I'd stick with the options she'd preferred. Probably the wiser choice, right? 
Sushi it was. Maybe I could convince myself it was some kind of burrito. 
Being who I am I showed up as close to right on time as I could. Can't seem too eager but didn't want to be late and seem rude. Of course, I pretty much always show up 5-10 minutes early because I leave early in case I can't find the place. However, I don't care if she shows up an hour late...my response is always "I just got here a few minutes ago." No matter if she's on time or late, whenever she gets there you're to respond that she's "right on time". 
I'd gotten there and secured us a table. Then I started grilling the waitress on the different types of dishes so I didn't seem completely foolish when it came time to order. "Do you have a type of sushi that tastes like brisket?Are there specialty chopsticks that have like rakes at the end? What if I just used 2 forks like a robot hand?" Turns out the answer was "no" to all of those but I did come up with an idea for training chopsticks that I'll have to explore later. 
Fortunately, Rhiannon, my date was right on time. And she looked radiant so, had she been late, it would've been worth any wait. Unlike me. I totally didn't wear a fancy dress or put on any makeup. Which was apparently the right call this time. 

Per Rhiannon's recommendation I got a nice salmon roll that was tempura battered. Then I watched in horror as she took her chopsticks in hand like she'd been using them her whole life. Great. I'm barely coordinated enough to use a fork properly. And there's not even one anywhere in sight. I could already see that I was going to essentially just poke my food in true caveman fashion as I looked at it thinking "my food is raw. Grog need make fire to cook it. Maybe that's why the sticks are here. Do I rub them together to start fire and cook food?" Way to not impress anyone, Grog. 

In about 30 seconds Rhiannon had explained the general mechanics of using 2 tiny pieces of wood to lift food to my facehole. Within minutes I'm picking up cucumber slices with these elven branches and I'm hoping I'm not channeling some Mandarin spirit. Speaking in tongues on a first date probably isn't the way to go. 
Of course, I'm kinda unorthodox so after we ate at the sushi place guess what we did. That's right, we walked next door to Olive Garden. Why not, right? No, I didn't order more food though I would normally be tempted to. I haven't been eating a lot lately so the homemade cat chow I'd had next door was more than enough. 

Cappuccino. That's what they had at Olive Garden that we were in desperate need of. For 3 hours we sat there and took up a table while we talked. (Don't worry, I warned the waitress of our intent ahead of time and I tipped her very well afterward). She has a degree in psychology and studied sociology so we had stuff to talk about. Well, that and politics and religion. And, of course, literature. We are both writers. 
The waitress was patient and even joined in the joking around. Grog came out to play a little but I mostly kept him reined in. I'd say a good time was had by all for the next several hours. 

What's the next stage in a date? A movie. Of course. What's a perfect "first date" movie? Deadpool. A nice romantic comedy. 
You know what's even better? We were the only two people in the theater. Of course I took full credit and told her I'd rented the whole theater so that we wouldn't be disturbed. I don't think she bought that story though. 
Hey, good news though...every seat in the theater was available and she still chose to sit next to me. So that's a plus. It might've had something to do with how cold it was in there. We had to huddle together like penguins for warmth. The movie was pretty awesome though. I reckon maybe I'll keep you guys posted now that I'm loose in the world again.