Saturday, February 28, 2015

In The Dark

It came upon me again, so dark so twisted
I tried to fight it off but it just persisted
It warps my mind and makes me feel despair
I fought for a while but it was always right there
Around every corner and creeping up behind me
It clouds my vision until I can no longer see
The darkness slowly creeps in and rapes my mind
Madness overwhelms and my heart just goes blind
I disappear inside myself and wait for the feelings to go
But time just stops and I'm afraid I'll never know
What it's like to feel the light again
The light that I know is there buried deep
I pray for peace and I'm terrified to sleep
If this is the hell I create when I'm awake
I'm afraid that in my sleep my soul will surely break


In the eyes of the beholder
Her only wish is to be bolder
Yet in this world she grows colder
Cold for the love she’s lost
She paid the ultimate cost
The price was her very soul
Was that his final goal?
Was she what he truly desired?
It is he she rightly admired
To be with him was what she needed
For his heart she desperately pleaded
Would his heart be truly given?
Or to another world she is driven?
A world of humiliation and despair
Will he by chance join her there?
Will he hold her close?
And be the one he adores most?
His destiny is to be the one to hold her
Together the world’s battle is theirs to fight
When their lives are cold he will hold her tight
For his body was given that right

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Time To Rethink Time

I hear about this new super black hole is making scientists rethink timelines and the "Big Bang Theory". 
Which leads me to wonder...time, itself, is a man made concept so what if our perception of time is what's faulty? I mean, it only makes sense. Every civilization in history measured time in a different fashion. It's mankind's arrogance that if we give a name to a concept that we can own it or control it. We can't. 
We name things in an effort to control them. Only mankind does that. Because we are the "supreme creatures"? Not likely. We've managed to develop language and technology. For what purpose? To control other animals. Man is an animal. We hate to be reminded of that because we feel animals are beneath us. 
Maybe the other animals have it figured out more in their ignorance than we do. They kill only to survive. They don't worry about "time". They don't measure distance. Although it would be kinda neat to see a cheetah with a pedometer. 
So this super black hole doesn't fit our timeline. Hmm. Maybe our timeline is faulty. Maybe the universe doesn't care about our measurements because it can't be controlled. Or maybe, just maybe it's the universe's way of laughing at us having the temerity to think our opinion makes a difference. 


Recently I took a moment to sit and reflect a bit. I was plagued by four different questions. If my life ended today, did I love, give, believe, and dream enough for my life to have meant something to others. The answer kept coming back inconclusive. Throughout my life I have had one goal and I feel that I have failed miserably at it: to make a difference. Upon breaking down each aspect I realized that I can still make this difference.

Did I love enough?
William Blake wrote, "Love seeketh not itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives its ease, And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair." It is easy to say, "I love you," and anyone can say it, but it's another thing to show it. How can one show love? We show love with a simple touch or even a kiss. We show love by not putting ourselves before all others. "Immature love says: ' I love you, because I need you.' 'Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you,'" said by Erich Fromm.  We show love in the simplest of deeds. My wish is when I am gone someone can say to themselves, "She truly loved me."

Did I give enough?
In the words of Charles Dickens, "No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." What does it mean to give? Giving is not necessarily giving of money and possessions, but of time and love. To give time is when you feel like you really don't have the time to spare but are willing to make it for another in need. Love is an emotion that is easily taken, but rarely given. When my time comes I hope that someone can say, "She gave even when she didn't have it to give."

Did I believe enough?
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral," believed by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. What is it to believe? We can believe in the supernatural, in others, in ourselves, and the chance of tomorrows. Many would say the supernatural is purely fiction, but what if it's not? What is the harm in believing in the things that go bump in the night? To believe in others tend to be a complicated issue. It seems that it is human nature to let others down to where we lack the faith to believe anyone else. We limit ourselves by using the past wrongs to hinder our faith in the people of the present. Sometimes it seems that we believe in ourselves the least of all. This is where our belief system should be the strongest. How do you believe in yourself? Simply by believing that you can accomplish anything that you try to do. The belief of tomorrows is what should inspire our todays. It should allow us to say, "I may be here today, but tomorrow I will be here at something bigger and better. At the end of my time I would like for someone to say, "Even when her faith in all things was shaky she still believed all things were possible."

Did I dream enough?
"Hope is a waking dream," philosophized by Aristotle. What are dreams and can we only do them while we are asleep? Dreams make life more worth living. Dreams inspire us to do more and to be more. Dreams can be as simple as we desire or as complex as our imagination can reach. If you're not happy with your current situation, you can always dream of better tomorrows. When my time has ended I want someone to be able to say, "When life was dark and uncertain she always dreamed of bigger and better things."

Many of the things I have wrote about today are things I will challenge myself to do more of. Can you say the same thing?


I once built a castle out of sand.
I watched as the waves washed it out to sea.
It was then that I came to understand.
You can never stop what is meant to be.
We build our beliefs on fragile foundations.
Thinking we are right but never truly knowing.
We get caught up in fleeting sensations
Without paying attention where we are going
Wrapped up in the here and now
The fashion trends and reality tv
We lose sight of the future and how
Our kids learn from what they see.
We are all building sand castles and dreaming
That the waves will never reach that shore.
Content in our ignorance and political scheming
We tend to forget what we are living for.

(C) Christian Touchet

Sunday, February 22, 2015


Her destiny he holds in his hand.
She wills to his every demand.
Of all her great wishes to be,
He no longer wants to see

Some bright days he will hold her close,
As if it is she, he adores most.
Other days to him she’s not there.
In his eyes she sees he don’t care

He don’t see her heart is breakin’,
For her needy love he’s taken.
She will find the courage to let go,
And she won’t have to fight to tell him, “No.”


She asked me "do you still believe in your dreams?"       
Of course, I said, I follow them every day
"How do you do it, knowing life is harder than it seems?"
The answer, sweet girl, is not in the black and white but the grey. 
Honestly, life at its fullest can wear a person down. 
It can overwhelm you and make you feel defeated
Waves of emotion washing over you til you drown
You breathe it in refilling hope that's depleted
Use the life it gives to help your heart grow stronger
That's the key, I tell her, to the strength of hope
When you feel like you just can't stand any longer
You let your belief give you wings and you learn to cope

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


For my boys:

As the snow gently drifts to earth and the chill settles in I light a fire. There's a light crackle as the kindling ignites and the cords begin to catch. I await the radiating of the warmth I desire. The smell of sugar cookies fill the air from a fresh batch. It's a beautiful night outside as the full moon lights the landscape. It's ethereal glow cascading the snow covered pines. There's a whistle of the tea pot as the steam escapes. I pour a cup as I sit down to write a few lines. My mind goes blank as I hear children laughing upstairs. I decide writing will wait a while as I join them in play. I run to join them taking the steps in pairs. Quickly to the top now there's not much time left in the day. "We can play cars for a while before bed." Two pajamaed boys start building a track. We play for a bit then a story was read. While they sat listening they had a milk and cookie snack. Teeth brushed now they climb under the sheets. Hugs and kisses given three times all around. No school tomorrow because of ice covered streets. With the kids in bed I'm back downstairs bound. Tea heated back up I sit to write again. I'm trying to remember the storyline I had.  It'll be a masterpiece I think as I take up paper and pen. Then I realize my greatest achievements call me dad. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

My Role Models

My boys. They are my strength and sometimes my inspiration. 
The other day I was asked about my "role model". I'd say they top the list with their innocence, faith and perseverance. 
They have a mother of such good character she lost custody. She disappoints them on a monthly basis. Yet they still have faith. They know they're loved. They are intuitive, extremely smart, sensitive and full of love. 
Periodically I still learn from them. Their love is sometimes the only thing that keeps me on my feet in this dark and unkind world. 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

My Valentine

I sit here and watch her sleep. Skin so soft, like silk to the touch. Eyes flutter as she dreams so deep. She doesn't know I care this much. Long flowing hair falls across her alabaster skin. She lets out a sigh as she dreams. I can't wait to hold her again. To caress her hair and kiss her ruby lips. I need only watch her another moment or two. There, she's waking now; her eyelids quiver. Arms outstretched as she comes to. So excited I can't help but shiver. She realizes with a start that I am there. Her smile fades as a scream starts to form. I raise my knife above her chest and prepare. As reality sets in her terror is born. Too late to protest the blade pierces flesh. Splintering bone and spraying crimson red. Arterial spray making my life feel fresh. The joy I feel displays my lifelong dread. That's when I hear someone calling for me.  Gently at first then I'm shaken awake. Dream and reality entangling me. I think to myself this is some kind of mistake. Sadly it was just a vision and not yet real. That's ok, my sweet, tonight is the night. This time when you sleep it's your soul I must steal. To save you from this world of sorrow. A world full of crazies and the things they do. Don't worry, I'll take away your tomorrow. See how much I look after you? 

Friday, February 13, 2015

My Role

I wipe the moisture from my face and tell myself it's from the rain. So I pick up the pace and try to outrun the pain. The windows are up and I can taste the saline but I refuse to believe what I know is true. I keep thinking I can wipe my slate clean and somehow start anew. 
I know better than to believe the dreams are real yet I can't stop them every time I try to sleep. Feverish and sweating my senses reel as i drift away again twice as deep. 
I slip into the dark abyss of my soul struggling and clawing myself awake. It's not my life; it's just my role in this maddening play my demons make. 
Feed them or starve them I can't decide which one will make them leave me be. I feel them consuming me from inside and realize my demons are what made me. 
The darkness is blinding and the silence is making me deaf. This freedom is binding in this life of living death. 

Sunday, February 8, 2015


 Words can lift the saddest person or destroy your sanity. 
They use them to name us on the day we are born. 
From the sweetest kindness to the cruelest profanity. 
We use them to eulogize our dead and save the living. 
A fabrication of our own making yet so unforgiving. 
A picture tells a thousand words they say
But they can't say that with a photograph now can they
More powerful than any drug or weapon made by man
Every war or treaty was begun and ended with them
Nothing destroys love and creates hate quicker than they can
People tell you off or give you words of wisdom. 
If only so frequently words of promise and hope didn't ring hollow. 
If only we could say loving words the world could follow. 
Meaningless. Empty. Untrue and useless Maybe we could give them value and lie less

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Somewhere Today

Somewhere out there today
A father holds a mother as together they grieve
Hearing the words from the officer informing them
Words they hear but can't seem to believe
"There was an accident" he says "around 7 a.m."

Somewhere out there today 
A girl forces a smile working at a coffee shop
Knowing she will have to pick up extra shifts to make ends meet
To raise a child alone in a world that doesn't stop
Even though the baby's father died that morning crossing the street

Somewhere out there today 
Someone's life has been forever rearranged
They just looked away long enough to turn the radio dial
They didn't see how quickly the traffic light changed
Or the man step off the curb thinking about his baby's smile

Somewhere out there today
You're upset that you were late to work
Some chick screwed up your coffee order because she was tired
The road was closed because of some jerk
And where is the new guy, the one with the cute baby, the guy they just hired?

Somewhere out there today
You got a "today" when others never will again
So that you can take life for granted and whine about trivial things 
So you can complain about what a pain
It is when other people's tragedies inconvenience your life, the trauma that brings. 

Because somewhere out there today it could be your life that's over. So tell me how much it ruined your day that your coffee order got messed up. That your day was unrecoverable because of traffic. 
Go home. Hug your kids and loved ones. Just be grateful for a little while. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015


Is it possible the universe corrects mistakes in its own tapestry? If you screw up once are you doomed to misery eternally? 
Is there a chance that once a tread is misplaced the whole picture changes, or can it be re woven? 
I sit and wonder these things late at night. I reflect on past mistakes and wonder if I ever really had a conscious choice in the matter. Maybe that pattern was already set and my path determined before i had a choice. 
There's a harmony to the universe. An energy and fluidity. We can resist but are we really just doing that for show? 
I mean in Christianity, Catholicism in particular, they believe in predetermination. What if there's actually something to that, but not exactly as they believe it? And how can we really have free will if our entire lives are predetermined? 
Some nights I don't sleep at all. I'll sit up and write. Poems, short stories or just my thoughts. Do I really have a choice in that? Do any of us really have as much choice as we think we do? What drives you? Yes, you. Is it desire? Yours or the universe's?