Monday, December 21, 2015

"The Prose of Cons"

Shortly after starting my blog I downloaded this "Hangouts" app. For the most part, though, all that app does is Hangout on the back page of my phone and leave me be. Let's face it, these type of apps are really nothing more than online meat markets. "Hey, let's meet up..." Blah blah blah. 
Granted, occasionally I'll get a message from someone about publishing or asking for advice but that's less often. Mostly it seems to be just messages from people who think it's a dating service. Or worse. Such as days like yesterday. Yesterday I think I was being interviewed for a book. I can't wait to read it, I bet it's called "Mind of a Madman" or something like that. Although, on second thought, it may have just been someone trying to con me. Either way, I took the time to copy and paste most of the conversation for you guys so you could decide. 

Now, to set the tone here I think it's prudent to let you know that this person, Julian Scotte, added me on google plus then started messaging me an hour after adding me. I'd never heard of her before. But now all of you folks have. 


J.S. : Hello how are you?

Me: fine. And you?

J. : great day

Me: Excellent!

J: where are you from
I'm from santa teresa

Me: I live in Florida. 

J: and how old ??

Me: 43

J: I see
I'm 30
single never married
and you?

Me: Twice divorced. My girlfriend is about your age.

(See, I try to make my relationship status quite clear from the beginning. As I've said before, it's a respect thing. Plus it reduces any miscommunication that I may be available. Because, let's face it, I'm a pretty not terrible catch.)

J: I see
so how is life
what do you do for living?

Me: Same ole same ole.
I'm guessing you don't keep up with my blog posts. 

J: I work as an engineer and consultant in the oil and gas sector

Me: Well I bet that pays quite well!

J: how you mean

Me: Well, in my posts I talk about my job, my girlfriend, stuff about my kids and life in Florida.
Your questions indicate you don't read my posts and haven't viewed my profile page or you'd know these things.

J: i've been very busy with work and out of the country
hope life is good with you and how is it with you family?

(So you randomly added me and messaged me to ask how my family is doing without even looking at my profile to see if I had family?) 

Me: It's been going really well! The boys are getting ready to start college, my current wife doesn't know I'm cheating on her with the groomer and I recently got an email from a bank about unclaimed money that's owed to me. I'm about to send them my social security number when I Western Union them the $2,500 fee for processing. I'm gonna be RICH!!

(Clearly I figured at this point that I'd start having a little fun. I was bored. Obviously, I'm not married. Nor are my elementary school kids entering college and we've all gotten that email before, haven't we? Or one like it)

J: Wow thats great
how much is your profit from that?

Me: According to the email it's $2.3 million. Some relative I never even knew about listed me as the only heir.
I'm gonna use the money to buy a hover board and start collecting My Little Pony figurines. I think they'll increase in value and be a great investment.

J: thats quite interesting
sound profiting
can i know more about this
if you give the $14,000 they gonna give a lot more money than 2.3million?
I'm really interest in this and I will like us to work this toward and make more money if you dont mind that am a woman

(Sure, if I pay my "dead relative" more money then they'll just increase my inheritance. No, I don't mind that you want to be my accountant. Thanks for stepping in and saving me from myself.) 

Me: Sure! It's exciting stuff!
I've just gotta send them my bank account number, passwords and social security number and they'll directly deposit the money.
Since it's from England it'll be deposited in krugerands

(I would later laugh at the irony of telling her the British bank is paying me in krugerands.)

J: so you give the $2,500 and they transfer the sum of 2.3million to your account?
we can send more money to them like 14,000 which i swill raise and let see how much they will give back for that?
or what do you think?

Me: I can ask. Maybe they left me more money. Or I can see if they can pawn the house. Apparently it's worth some money.
It's a big house next door to some place called Buckingham

(Buckingham. The house is next to Buckingham Palace. Can you see me being neighbors with the royals?)

J: i want us to do this together okay
Listen I have a better offer

Me: Oh? A better offer? Awesome!

J: we can work together into and after we're able to raise the money to send and must have gotten the money we can share together
i like you to make me part of this deal

Me: Sure!

J: do your wife and girlfriend know about this?

Me: No. I was going to keep it and use it to get away. Florida is too cold for my taste

J: you can move to new mexico
but mean while can I trust you?

Me: Possibly. I really like burritos so New Mexico could work.
Of course you can trust me. I'm a very honest person and I can keep secrets. Most of the time. Unless I'm drunk.

J: I see
I own my home in new mexico but presently I'm having some issues and difficulties if i may put it that way

Me: Oh no. That's terrible news!

J: Actually I'm presently in West Africa where I'm working on some contract with one of the biggest oil and gas company Opec
They had burst and vanadalised pipelines which reportedly cause lickagages and explosion in theirmplant station

(Lickagages. Why does that sound like some sapphic porn title? I'll have to check my library for that one.)

Me: Exciting stuff!
I thought about investing in crude kerosene. I heard that when they refine it into propane the profits are crazy good

(Let that sink in: crude kerosene. So this person works in the petroleum industry? They often convert petroleum products into a natural gas found in shale?) 

J: Yes thats real true its a big margine profit
the terrorism attack on their soil has destroyed alot in their enconomy

Me: I bet! Terrorismists are bad people

(Terrorismists? Look, I created a new word. Someone call Webster's)


J: heartless people i must confess
are you a christian?

Me: One of them, yes

J: I'm a catholic
i see
Like i said I'm presently having an inconvinency in my house in New mexico
which am having problems in resolving the issue

(Here there was a 20 minute delay as I was on the phone dealing with actual work. Until I get my millions I'm stuck working.)

are you stilll there?

Me: Yes. Sorry. I was on the phone with vet's office. My pet salamander passed away the other day and I was making funeral arrangements.

(Poor Sammy. If I ever get a pet Salamander I'm definitely gonna name it Sammy now)

J: its okay
i was just wondering why i wasnt getting any message from you
am sory to hear about salamander

Me: We had to work out burial plans for Sammy. Then he was telling me about a website where I could order unicorn eggs. I like to collect things.

(Unicorn eggs. No, I have no idea where that came from. Sometimes I'm tempted to drug test myself) 

J: I just need an assistance out of this problem and I promise to pay back in a short time

Me: I don't know...I only just met you

J: I will so much appreciate if you help me out with this and as soon as i can resolve the issue with the taxt and mortgage the loan company can verify the collateral being the house

Me: I wouldn't be able to buy as many My Little Pony figurines though.
Unless I get them and just don't get the hover board

J: The total cost of the mortage and tax is about $6,550 I had to send the sum of $4,680 the very day i got the information from my maid

From there I got busy and wasn't able to respond much.  Since then I got a few messages the next day telling me how she had been counting on me. 
It's terrible that I let someone down I reckon. But, in my defense, I'd just lost a long lost relative I didn't know I had AND my dear pet. I had a lot to deal with. I don't think it was unfair to ask for time to grieve.