Wednesday, August 26, 2015

"Announcing My Candidacy"

Not long ago I had one of my readers say something about me using "feed the fat kids less, feed the starving kids more" as a "plank on my platform to win the republican primaries". That got me thinking about things. What if I COULD run for president? Where would I stand on issues? How long before someone on my security detail got tired of me and killed me? Or would it be more like they just cleared a path for someone else to assassinate me? I'm guessing the latter. It'd be stupid to give up their retirement benefits. 
Now, granted, most people that know me, have met me, or even just read my blog would probably die laughing at the thought of me in the White House. I'm too outspoken. Plus, I'm not a good people person. But that didn't stop me picturing how things would go down. Here's about how I see it:

First off, you're talking about a job that politicians spends tens of millions of dollars to get even though the salary is less than a million a year. So there must be some HUGE "side deals" going on. Looking at the current administration I can't help but think so since it seems our country is being sold out from under us. So the first hiccup is buying my way in. I'd be the first candidate to run who essentially xeroxed his campaign fliers from crayon drawn originals. 
No big commercials or billboards for me, thank you. I'm too cheap. How about I just run a Facebook page "Christian for President"? Oh yeah, Facebook still hates me. Well, maybe I'd just create a meme and try to circulate that. Something like a picture of a gorilla saying "Go ape, vote for Christian. He's bananas enough to run." 

Next up, I'd have to campaign. Seems simple, I already drive around the country. Hey, wait. I could get magnetic signs and put them on the sides of my trailer. Damn, I'm getting the hang of this already! So I get paid to drive to a big city and try to call reporters to start my campaign trail. I don't have the money to buy the media so I'd have to call in to the TV station and tell them there's a jumper on a roof. All my campaign speeches would be from rooftops I reckon. Boy, I'm quick with this problem solving stuff. Just making it up as I type. 

"But where do you stand on the issues?" I know that's a question that'll get asked a lot. So I'd better start thinking. Hhmm...

Gun control: don't shoot yourself or anyone else. Don't like guns? Don't buy one. Gun control won't stop crime. Ask the people of New York City or Chicago. Those are "gun free" zones. I mean, we could ask the criminally minded people to not own guns but I don't think they'll just hand them over. 

"Police brutality"? Don't break the law and you're less likely to interact with the police in a negative fashion. Seems pretty simple to me. Any cops proven to abuse their power, don't suspend them with pay, fire them. That's what you do with people who aren't fit to handle responsibility, you tell them to find a job they're better suited for. 

Welfare? Simple. Put time limits on how long people can ride that system. It's not a career path. I've discussed that before. It's assistance, not a retirement plan. 

Veterans: they've served their country so let's get our act together and let the country return that service. How is this a difficult concept? People who have done absolutely nothing for this country get welfare, food stamps and Medicaid but the people who risk life and limb to defend them die while waiting on benefits? Pfft...redirect that welfare money and medical benefits. If anyone deserves a free ride it's the veterans. 

Illegal immigration: first word, "illegal". What's the question? Illegal means "not legal". Why would we give people who break the law amnesty? That's just stupid. Want to come here legally? Awesome. Let's make it simpler and easier for them. Serve 4-6 years in the military. You love this country enough to fight for it, you get to be a citizen. "Welcome to America, here's your uniform. Boot Camp starts tomorrow so you'd better learn English quickly." Hell, they'd even learn the language AND get job skills. I don't see how this has never been suggested before. 

This Planned Parenthood stuff? Well, it sucks that what happened happened. I say we make birth control and stuff easier to obtain. Less people breeding means less people potentially living off welfare. However, I don't believe abortion should be used as a form of birth control. You wanna have the fun unprotected, know that there are consequences. That means you'd better be prepared to be a parent. That's part of the problem with our society, we've established a country where people don't have to take responsibility for themselves. 

Flag burning/stomping? Don't like the U.S. Flag? Here's a ticket to Mexico or Central America. We will swap you for the ones fighting to get here. Fair trade. 

And there's these Black Lives Matter people interrupting speeches and stuff. Yeah yeah, how about ALL Lives Matter? Don't scream racism while claiming only people of one skin color matter. That's the very definition of hypocrite. How about we all just learn to get along? We can start by not separating by color. I thought we established that in the 60's. 

Oh, and let's not forget foreign aid and foreign affairs. This seems a popular question. So I'll give it a shot....what part of America is that? We have homeless, starving, and miserable people on our own soil we can't take care of. Tell ya what, how about we fix US before we worry about fixing everyone else? That's half our problem, we're too worried about policing the rest of the world and sending them money while we are busted and broke over here. "How much money can you send us over here in _____ ?" None, dumbass, we can barely pay our OWN bills. We can help you after we get out of debt but we can't get out of debt paying YOUR bills too. 

I'd like to add an addendum to my campaign speech....

I think it'd be cheaper to get rid of Obamacare AND welfare and just give everyone $1.5 million dollars. Then they could pay for medical care and food themselves. We'd save a ton of money in the budget and the IRS would eventually just tax it all back away from them anyway. 
But, before they did, everyone would have gotten the medical/dental care they needed and they'd be fed. 

Would I win any votes? Hell no. An election? Pfft. I wouldn't even win any friends. I'd make a lot of enemies in the political world. There's even a good chance I'd get locked away in an asylum. Probably not the Sane Asylum but I kinda think I'd have fun finger painting anyway. The meds would be free and maybe, just maybe, while I'm in there someone on the outside may start to think "hhmm, logic. Maybe that COULD be good for us eventually". 

Now, if any of you folks are as crazy sane as I am and you wanna see some fun politicking by a snarky, sarcastic guy and get this campaign rolling...show me where to sign up. What've I got to lose?