"Free Range Kids For Sale"

So this weekend my son had his first sleepover. Hunter's friend, Isaiah is spending the night. As a single dad I thought I could handle this easily. It's just kids. How hard could it be, right? 

Ty

I met the boy's parents when they dropped him off. Nice folks with a good sense of humor. And they're leaving their child in my care. Clearly they're clinically insane. 

I mean... Seriously! Who in their right mind leaves their kid with me and expects me to adult?! 

Who was really more irresponsible here? I have to question their judgment. 

I ordered pizza, picked up soda and grabbed some movies from redbox. Then I got some survival aids for myself. I thought "ha. I've got this. Piece of cake". 

They ate a large pizza as they played Minecraft. I hate that game but if it keeps them occupied and happy then I'm all for it. The soda was probably a bad idea though. My kids almost never get soda or real sugary stuff. Maybe that's why I've experienced a medical miracle and they've never been diagnosed as hyperactive. Coincidence? I think not. 

But this time they did have soda. I might as well have given them meth. They went from being my calm little angels to hellions. Running, screaming, calling upon demons and shit. I'd just created a situation over which I no longer had control. 

For my own safety I just put in my ear buds and tried to focus on watching Netflix. At this point my only hope for survival is keeping their margaritas topped off. 

Me: ear buds and Netflix..

Them: aaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaaaahhhh!! 

Sounded like a damn Apache war party in here.

By 9:30 I was thinking "I bought Benadryl and rum. In an hour I'll figure out which one to start giving them." Drugging them may be better than the rum. They're already running around like miniature Charlie Sheens throwing a bachelor party. Last think I need is to throw a little Jack Sparrow into the mix. 

So at 10:00 I send them all to Hunter's room. There's a tv, bluray DVD player, Roku and stuff in his room so I'm clearly not torturing them with this sequestration. Don't think this is a punishment. It's just a step towards hopefully calming them down. It took all of about 10 minutes before I was reminded of the drum set I'd bought Hunter and set up in his room. Uh oh. Ever see the movie Gremlins? Those were apparently just kids hopped up on Mountain Dew and wearing green paint. 

Isaiah said on the weekends he has no bedtime and I want to be the cool guy and stuff so I let them stay up. 

At midnight it still sounded like a pterodactyl breeding ground in there. No worries, aye?  

One in the morning they're still going. I could swear I heard them singing "Viva Las Vegas" and playing lacrosse. So I go in there fully intending to use a tranquilizer gun and what do I see? Isaiah is completely passed out in bed. "Good on ya, little fella". 

Mine? Watching YouTube and running around screaming like meth heads. At this point I start wondering if CVS sells Thorazine. 

Two in the morning and I'm begging my own kids for mercy. I'm rocking in the corner in the fetal position. Mercifully they finally succumbed to the lunar cycle. Or the soda finally wore off. Either way, they finally fell out. 

6:30 this morning Hunter wakes me up. 6-effing-30. My own kid. This is a kid who I've gotta drag out of bed by his feet at 7:30 on school days when he goes to bed at 9:00. I felt so betrayed.  But what's he wake me up for? Just to give me a hug and tell me he loves me. I've learned that's usually kid code for "when you get up and see what we've done, try to remember I was sweet." This instantly causes panic in my mind and I spring out of bed.

 Bleary-eyed I zombie walk myself to the living room to find they've already got the tv on and it's back to partying. Since I'm awake ish and they're already going full tilt they place their breakfast order. So I get to making the pancakes I've been instructed to produce. 

Ever try measuring and cooking when you're so tired you can't even figure out how to operate a Keurig? I was thinking it was going to be a long day. 

As it turns out, I was just off my game last night. By lunch today I'd woken up enough to figure out solutions. I had a talk with the demonic creatures who used to be my children.

See, I've got a treadmill type machine in my living room. We've worked it out so that when they start to feel hyper they run. I've now witnessed each of them run while simultaneously playing video games. 

I think I figured out the secret to sleepovers. This was our first one so it took a little trial and error. I've got this now. I spent 2 hours earlier giving them redbull and chocolate cookies. Since then I've gotten my car washed and so far one side of the house has been power washed. My only regret at this point is that I mowed the yard myself yesterday. I may be going up to Sears to pick up a weed eater since the sleepover is a weekend stay now. 

I'm thinking I'll try to arrange a sleepover again but invite like 4 more kids. My house would look good with mulched flowerbeds lining it. Maybe monthly sleepovers even. My bar is empty. Maybe I can set it up with sewing machines. See? I've got this. 

"Stop Monkeying Around"

Lovely how we humans do things. We invade animals' habitats, build our homes where theirs used to be, then we get upset that those animals are invading "our space" because, you know, we live there now. Living next to a forest I get bears, cranes, turkeys and snakes aplenty running around. I don't want them exterminated or locked away; I just enjoy watching them. They were here first. WE are invading THEIR space but humans are arrogant as well as destructive. 

We push animals into endangered status, hunt them nearly into extinction and then cage them for "conservation of the species".  Unless they're creatures that frighten us or we deem useless. Then we just keep killing them. Too bad we can't do that with humans. We'd need a lot less of those invasive homes. 

Instead we end up with zoos. That's where we take animals out of their natural habitat, lock them up and put them on display. So people can see the nature we are destroying. Maybe it'll help us appreciate how good we destructive creatures have it. 

Most days I think it should be humans caged up instead. 

So last week a kid wandered away from his mom at the zoo, did a Spider-Man routine and climbed a few barriers to end up in the gorilla enclosure. Cost that poor gorilla his life because it suddenly became "is he trying to save him or is he going to kill him?"  I get that part, I do. But, again, I'm all for natural selection. 

Do I think things could've been handled differently? Eh. Maybe. Shoot that sorry excuse for a mom and toss her in there to distract the gorilla. 

Now, here's the thing, we took these gorillas out of the wild for "conservation purposes". We built them a fun little enclosure/home. This kid deliberately climbed into it. He basically broke into their home. So we kill the gorilla. For having his home broken into. Only in America. 

Look, I'm not saying the kid was solely at fault here. He wasn't. I blame his "mother". She works at a daycare facility? And her response is "accidents happen"?!

Seriously?! People trust her with their kids?! Well it's obvious she's never taken her class on a field trip. Leave with 20, come back with 3. "Where'd the rest of the kids go?" Eh. Accidents happen, I guess. 

Accidents like people like her being allowed to watch kids. That seems a pretty terrible accident. With fatal results for a gorilla after her neglect allowed her child to break into said gorilla's home. 

Surprisingly, I've seen people post in her defense. "She did the best she could. You can't watch a kid 24/7...." True. But, c'mon, how about at least long enough for a trip to the zoo? How's that for a start?? 

I know, I know, I may be asking too much. I must be like world's strictest parent. "Let's go to the zoo, kids, but I expect you to not wander into the animals' homes..." But daaaaad! "Nope. Im going to actually stay with you guys and watch you. We will stay together during the whole trip. Like a family." Daaaad. You're no fun! 

Some of the comments are like "this poor lady is punishing herself.." Blah blah blah. "How would you feel if that were your kid?" Yada yada yada. Simple: she's not punishing herself. Her attitude about it says it all. "Accidents happen". Translation: "it's not my fault." Bullshit, lady. It IS your fault. You're the parent so when stuff like this happens on your watch it's entirely YOUR FAULT. 

As for if it were my kid... Simple. It wouldn't be. I actually watch my kids. That's kinda my job as a parent. Hell, I'm sure my kids would be more scared of me catching them trying some stupid stuff like that than they would be of the gorilla hurting them. 

But I'll play the hypothetical game. Let's say that somehow one of my boys did do something like that. You can bet that I'd be in that enclosure right behind them in a hurry. Not to fight off the gorilla but to light that kid's ass up. They'd be begging the gorilla "please don't let my dad find me..." 

We lack accountability these days. I've seen it in many places, not just in this zoo situation. Go to the mall and you'll see kids acting like wild animals. Or Walmart. Dear lord, the people I've seen there! Kids running amuck to the point you want to run them over with a cart and sometimes their parents are just laughing at how shitty their kids are behaving. Makes me want to slap the parents in the head with a bottle of Ajax. "Clean up your damn parenting skills!" 

Since that's frowned upon or labeled assault all you can do is try to avoid the monkey house that is retail stores. I'm a hermit when I'm home and I'm sure my friends sometimes think I'm borderline agoraphobic because I cringe when they invite me places. Outdoors doesn't scare me, modern society does. 

The other day I saw a video on Facebook of some little kid relentlessly beating on his mom. And she's siting on the couch trying to cover her face. I call bullshit. Smack that kid until he's seeing stars. 

That behavior wasn't just something he suddenly started either and you know it. That's years of failing to discipline. To me it's just like with pets. There are no bad dogs, just bad owners. Same with kids. It's the parents' fault. 

Are my kids perfect? No. They're kids. But they're well-behaved kids who should turn into well-behaved adults. That's how child ownership works. 

"What a Father Does"

I was asked once if I had any childhood memories that I looked back on as defining moments. So I've spent some time lately reflecting. As it turns out, there are several but I'll try to stay focused. Ritalin don't fail me now...

I've got a pretty good memory; better than average as I understand it. I can draw floor plans for places I've lived as far back as 40 years ago or list Christmas presents clear back til then. Some people would attribute it to electroshock therapy but I think it's because I've tempted fate so many times throughout my life that I probably have a record for "near death experiences". I'm still waiting to hear back from Guiness on that. 

So I've gotta narrow it down for myself. Would I consider any of the monumentally stupid things I've done that "defining moment"? To sort through that list could take the better part of a decade. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Wait...let me check my pulse. I'll be right back. 

Ok. Good news. I'm not clinically dead. Bad news. I therefore have no excuse for why I'm still in bed then. Oh, I was writing. That's right. Ok. A childhood memory. Defining moment maybe. Let's see...hhmm... Wait! I know!! A memory that has stuck with me for decades. Sometimes resurfaces at seemingly random moments. 

It's not one of those moments that wins "feel good moment of the year" but I suppose they can't all be great. This one requires a little bit of set up so let's address that first. Cue the wavy background and "flashback" music. Let's go for a trip down memory lane. 

As we've established, I  was a pretty unruly kid. I was living with a "mother" who was gone for days at a time and would eventually come home drunk or jacked up on one drug or another. Though I'm not out to make excuses for the fact I was a hellion, I feel it's helpful to explain I had no guidance. 

Eventually my dad was made aware of the problem and he insisted I be allowed to go live with him rather than the "home for troubled boys" that I was facing. I was all for it as I hadn't seen him in years because he had been stationed in Europe. 

He got temporary custody of me and arrangements were made for him to get permanent custody. I think the temporary custody was to allow a trial run and make sure I hadn't grown into an axe murderer. He did have a wife and kid to consider. Who could blame him for being cautious after the tales he'd heard. 

And that's when it happened. The memory that still sticks with me. My dad had his attorney draw up the paperwork and we went back down to Tampa so she could sign custody over to him. He was excited, I was excited. It was going to be a good day. Or so we thought. 

As she touched the pen to the paper she hesitated. She raised the pen and looked at my dad and said, "I'm gonna need $3,000 before I can sign this."

Bear in mind, folks, that this was my birth mother. She smiled at me and my father as she rattled off a price like an auctioneer. At the age of 12 I'd been told how much I was worth. This was in 1984 but, even back then, this wasn't even enough to buy a car. 

How was that a defining moment, you ask? Was I devastated? Well, of course, it was devastating at the time. But it was motivational as well. Educational even. And from that day forth, knowing how little my own birth mother valued me, I strive to improve myself in every way. She may have thought I wasn't worth much but I watched my dad swallow his pride to raise the money as quickly as he could. He told me he didn't care about money; he just wanted ME. Because he's a father. Not just a good one but a great one and that's what fathers do. 

So what I learned from that was that some people may not value you much but, to the people who truly love you, you're priceless. I've lost sight of this on occasion and allowed people I was in a relationship with or married to to treat me like an afterthought. So I encourage you to make sure you remember that you are priceless to somebody. Don't let anyone devalue you. 

Story of a Preteen Mom

So I'm in Walmart the other day doing a little shopping and trying to not get run over by motorized shopping carts. God, I hate those things but I'll address that another day. (Insert suspenseful foreshadowing music). When I see this mother and daughter looking at makeup. That's when the trouble started. 

See, I'm outspoken and honest. It's a character flaw that I'm fine with. Somehow my "socially acceptable" thought-to-speech filter was never installed properly in my brain. In this litigious society maybe I can sue my old pediatrician. I wonder what the statute of limitations is on that?

Anyway, back to the trouble at hand. This scantily clad duo is shopping for makeup and I might've said "what's wrong with our society today?" a bit too loudly as the mother perked up and asked what I said. Uh oh. 

By way of an explanation I say I was looking at clothes for my friend's daughter and it's sad that they have sizes inverted for our kids' genders...boys' pants are too baggy and girls' clothes are so small they border on pornography. 

Since her daughter was wearing what I could only guess is a miniskirt 2 sizes too small, she took offense. "What are you trying to say? Are you peeping my kid, you pervert?!"

"No, ma'am. I'm just saying that your skirt is small enough to fit her and her skirt is like a cabbage patch kids' tube top. Are you grooming her to be a teenage mother and she's not even a teen yet?" 

As you can imagine, it escalated quickly from there and now I'm not popular at the local Walmart. That's ok, I still got to buy my new socks and DVDs before I was asked to leave. 

My point? What the hell is wrong with some parents these days?! More and more often younger and younger kids are dressing like they're on their way to audition for a Ron Jeremy video. Why? Have you been to a "Spirit Store" to buy Halloween costumes? Seen the Halloween costumes for kids these days?! Are they designed by Larry Flint?! And parents of these children act surprised when their 13 year old little princess comes home pregnant. "How did this happen? Some boys parents are out of control. They gonna pay. Why oh why Lawd!" They let them dress like hookers and wear makeup at 8 and run around town into the night in their early teens. Seriously?! You want precious to grow up like a Disney princess you need to consider more "Disney" in her wardrobe and less "hooker". 

And boys in pants dragging around their knees..why? I don't care to see your underwear either. It's underwear, meaning "to be worn UNDER your clothes". I see them on "COPS" trying to run from the police and not getting far because their pants fall all the way down. I laugh and point and yell at my tv "bet you'd stand a better chance if you wore clothes that fit!" Although, honestly, if you're planning on running you should wear a track suit when you commit felonies. I'm not impressed with your wardrobe or how "thug" you are. You still look like an idiot who can't dress them self. 

We sensationalize things like "teen moms" with television shows and then wonder why teenage pregnancy is a problem. We sensationalize being "thug" with music videos and wonder why kids have no respect. Our society is declining right in front of us while we laugh at it over our morning coffee. Or we whisper about it afraid to speak up because to do so isn't "socially acceptable". Guess what, our society isn't acceptable. Speak up people, let our voices be heard.