Saturday, January 2, 2016

"Fun New Year"

So I woke up this morning and it's a new year. Feels just like a Friday but I reckon it's a special Friday. I'm supposed to make a bunch of resolutions. Basically, empty promises to myself. I'm socially required to "resolve" to make changes because 2015 is now fully behind me. 
Ok, I can do this. I'll even share with you my secret list of promises to myself. But, let's be honest, most of these are going to fall to the wayside within the first 90 days. It's like a manufacturer's warranty to keep me from doing anything too drastic. 

Ready? Alright, let's start off slow and simple...

1) I'm going to drink more water. 
Ok, this one I can stick with. I'll just have to be creative. Coffee. I use water to make coffee. So, if I increase my coffee intake then I'll be getting more water. I may switch up periodically and substitute tea. 

2) read more. 
I can probably manage this one. I can order a subscription to the Enquirer or something. 

3) be more active. 
Ok. I can work with that. Maybe I'll just drink coffee by the cup and leave the carafe in the kitchen so I've gotta walk back in there to refill it. BAM! Cardio. 

4) be less sarcastic. 
Sure, I can work on that. It'll be fun. My frustration level may increase but then I'll just increase #3. Or..

5) buy a gun. 
Yeeeeeah! Can't pop off at the mouth? I'll just pop off a few rounds. I might even get to the gun range instead of prison. (I've heard I'm a serial killer in training anyway.) 

And, finally, 6) learn another language. 
The original plan was to just learn Italian so I could be sarcastic without people knowing what I was doing. "Stealth Sarcasm". I've been doing pretty good at it but I'd like to add more to my resume. Pig Latin maybe. 

Of course, they're resolutions so I can abandon any of them at will. As we've discovered, that's how resolutions work anyway. I like to set achievable goals so I may stick with most of these. 

So, while everyone else is wasting money on gym memberships that'll be forgotten in weeks, I'll be reading up on how to claim insanity after shooting people. I'll present my argument to the court in Pig Latin and be prepared for coffee in the exercise yard at the asylum.