Friday, October 23, 2015

"List en Up Ladies"

So I recently posted about this list of things men over 30 shouldn't do. Obviously, my thoughts on that list differed from those of the original author. To be fair, I conferred with several other guys before responding to "the list".
Then, today, I got to thinking, "why don't you make a post for the women out there, you sexist pig." So that's what I figured I'd do. I'll help everyone out. I'm user friendly like that and shit. You ready ladies? Prepare the rotten tomato catapults...

I don't know if it's just that I'm old fashioned or if women these days confuse devolving with evolving. Not all of them, just a lot. From what I've seen walking around the truck stops and Walmart (when I'm allowed in there). 
Let's start by looking at some of the basics, shall we? I mean, not all guys feel the way I do so determine the type of guy you want to attract, ask that type what they think and adjust accordingly. 

First off, this yoga pants craze. When I hear "yoga pants" I automatically think of only one style but there are apparently several. The ones that seem to be popular these days are basically just colored panty hose. Women seem to wear these about as skin tight as they can get them. Fortunately, some wear underwear with them. Barely. 
I'll be honest, sometimes we appreciate these things. They leave nearly nothing to the imagination though. Sometimes you need that mystery. Some women that wear them need a lot more than mystery. A mirror would be helpful. 

Let's be real here. If it looks like 50 pounds of cottage cheese and golf balls trying to escape and straining the fabric, maybe jeans would work better for you. Sorry ladies, but that's what we guys think. 
I know it sounds unfair or like "body shaming" but that's only because it is. In fact, I feel the same way about guys walking around with muscle shirts on. Dude, if you look like an overstuffed sausage with arms and a head...a muscle shirt probably isn't for you. You don't have to look like a gym rat but you don't see women drooling over guys who look like The Blob. Or if you have more body hair than Chewbacca, even regular tank tops are a questionable choice. Tell ya what, Teen Wolf, embrace it. Braid your arms, back and stomach and just go shirtless. Make a fashion statement. Start a new trend or something. 

Hair is a natural body covering. I understand coloring it to be like an accessory. In moderation it looks nice. In moderation. Like little accent colors, highlights, etc. We dig that shit, sure. But if your entire head looks like a peacock mating ritual, don't be surprised if people throw sunflower seeds at you. 
Again, not all coloring is bad. But there's a difference between tasteful and and looking like a science project. 

Make-up. Here's a tricky one. Again, I'm a n "in moderation" type of guy. When I see a woman who looks like a 64 pack of crayolas melted onto her face I automatically wonder what she's trying to hide behind the spackle. Yes, some people are naturally more attractive than others. But play to your strengths, not your weaknesses. Perhaps Obamacare should cover cosmetic surgery. 

Speaking of cosmetic surgery, what's with those eyebrows on some chicks? They look like they're perpetually surprised. If your eyebrows look like an advertisement for McDonalds then maybe you should tone it down a wee bit. 
Maybe it's just a matter of those jeans being so tight it's forcing the skin on their head upward. Yeah, I've seen women in pants and shorts that tight. I immediately put on Kevlar in case I'm within range when that button flies off like a mortar round. 

There's no telling which direction they're going to fall in when they walk with those ridiculous looking new shoes these days. I hear they're called "wedges". Which makes sense because most of the chicks I see wearing them are walking like they got a wedgie with a cactus. They look like sandals with an 18" lift in the back. I keep expecting some chick to walk through the truck stop and snap an ankle. Aren't giraffes an endangered species yet? I mean, they are clearly being poached so their necks can be used as shoes. 
We are guys, we have this innate need to feel like we can protect you. It's ok to not walk on stilts to show us how tall you can pretend to be. We can't protect you from self-inflicted harm. And that eventual compound fracture isn't going to be sexy. 

Speaking of animals, there's one I wish would go extinct. That weird creature called "duck face". Sweetheart, it's not cute, sexy or any of those good adjectives. It IS a bunch of bad ones though. And, a few of you, you look like you've got gas when you do it. Just, just don't. 
Since it's always in selfies that you seem to do it, let's talk about those. Is this 1964? No? Then what's up with the peace sign? We get it, Moonchild, you're hip. But throwing that peace sign like you're part of some hippie gang looks ridiculous. Especially when coupled with that platypus face. Wanna know how it goes? We guys think it looks stupid but we don't say anything because we like sex. True story. 

You've got your hand on your hip and your butt thrust out for your bathroom selfies. Look, let's cut to the chase here. How many selfies do you need? WHY do you have hundreds of selfies on your social media pages? How vain ARE you? It reeks of desperation. Can't you just post pictures of all your meals like the rest of us? Are you worried you're going to forget what you look like? I promise, if you go missing, we all know what Donald Duck looks like. I'll put the flyers out myself. 

Is your hair naturally curly? If so, awesome. If not, also awesome. Wanna pretend it is? Ok. That's fine but please, please don't wear those curlers out in public. Last week I saw a lady with these weird curler things in her hair and I didn't know whether to feed it mice or avert my eyes lest I be turned to stone. 

Speaking of which, are you planning on showering in Walmart? No? Then why are you wearing a shower cap? If it's raining outside grab an umbrella. It's like these women were in the shower and suddenly forgot they needed groceries. 
Which they're apparently going to eat immediately before going to bed. That's the only logical explanation for the pajamas. Well, I suppose it's possible they just came from a slumber party. We guys see a chick with rollers in her hair, a shower cap on and in her pajamas walking around the store we think maybe she's homeless. "Maybe she was at Lowe's sampling showers, got ready for bed and now she's hungry. Poor thing, she must live in her car." 

I'm a strong proponent of "know your limitations" and "play to your strengths". I'm also aware that I'm a bit of a hypocrite here because I don't mind some hair color or yoga pants too much. You get a pass on these if you're hot. (Like my yoga pants wearing girlfriend with the Rainbow Bright hair. Though she does know I prefer her natural hair color.) But if you're not, don't draw attention to it. If, when you walk, it looks like two rhinos fighting in a tent, skip the skin tight clothes. If you're ugly enough to frighten a possum, learn how to apply makeup properly. Be sensible, folks.