Thursday, April 23, 2015

Facebook Hates Me

Facebook hates me and openly mocks me. Now I don't know if it's the entire staff or just one twisted little programmer but either way, their hatred is pretty evident. You think I'm being ridiculous but I can prove it. 

See, I hadn't even really noticed before. I've been single for years. It could be because of, what I call, my "social Tourette's". It could possibly be because I'm extremely socially awkward and girls scare me. I mean, sure, because of my nerves I seem outgoing (I'd totally screw up Jungs' theories and Briggs-Meyers' if they came upon me at a party) but I assure you that lamp shade is only so I don't see everyone else. Yet a third theory that's been posited is that I'm "jaded, have a microscopic attention span and never listen to the person I'm with". An ex girlfriend told me that once. Or she asked which movie I wanted to see, I wasn't really listening to her at the time so I'm not too sure. 

For years now I've been a truck driver. I stay in my truck and, although I may rock back and forth behind the wheel in rage periodically, it keeps me from dealing with the public outside of my little cell which they've apparently deemed "safest for the general public". 
During my travels I met a female truck driver whom I dated for a bit. It was kinda "cutesy". Go to the IKEA store, "check in" together. Dinner? "Aw, let's check in so people can see we are together". And so on and so forth. Then we broke up. Oops. "I'll be ok (sniffle). I'll get over it (whimper)". That's when I noticed it! The evil people (or programmer, can't be hasty to judge) made it a point to single me out. Dirty move. 
I go to see a movie..."hey, I'll check in so people can see how cool and aloof I am. I got this." I hit the "check in" and BAM! "Who are you here with?" 
Seriously?! What, a guy can't go see a movie alone without you busting my chops?! Dinner, "who are you here with?"  I can almost see the people over at Facebook snickering every time I check in somewhere now. It's like Facebook gives you 2 options. Either stay your lonely ass home or don't try to play it cool and show people that you're out of the house. As soon as you leave Facebook might send you a message "out by yourself again? Haha!"

And I'm pretty sure Facebook sends out advance notices to the places I go like "ok, watch this. You're gonna get a dude coming in by himself. Mock him and we will bring you more business". 
I show up at a restaurant and the hostess looks at me then looks all around me. Makes a show of it. "Just one?", as she smiles. 
"Yes, just me." I'm getting to the point I want to just growl at people. But, of course, the mockery doesn't stop there. Especially not if it's somewhat busy. That's when they ask for my name and have me sit to wait. 
"Christian, party of ONE!", booms across their PA system like they're trying to reach the neighboring county.  That's about the time you can feel everyone in the place looking at the mutant that showed up alone. They parade you the long way around the establishment like they're showcasing that they've lured in Quasimodo or some mythical creature of ancient folklore with the promise of food. Then they sit you in the middle of the room, spotlighting you, and take the other place settings away like "well we don't want to waste the good silverware on this guy". I'm surprised they don't just give me plastic ware sometimes or make me eat out in the alleyway. "No no, we have a strict 'no mutants' policy." 

Don't worry, though,  I've learned how to work this to my advantage. Facebook isn't the only clever one here ya know. See, now what I do is carry a little notebook and pen. While I'm waiting for my table I make a show of looking around and writing things in my little notebook. When they walk me to my table I look at it, jiggle it a little to see if it's balanced and make more "notes". I inspect the silverware, carefully examine the menu and order salad, appetizer, entree and dessert. All the while keeping my notes going. 
Sometimes I make it a point to leave my notebook laying out so the server can "accidentally" see that I'm grading their restaurant. It helps that I'm naturally reclusive even in public and sometimes people confuse that as "secretive". Since I've started this routine I've gotten some of the best service ever. Hey, I never actually tell them I'm a food critic or that anything I write down goes anywhere but my little notebook. So I'm not technically lying. 

So "HA! Evil Facebook programmer!" I turned your ridicule of me to my advantage. No, it doesn't make your "who are you here with?" any better but at least I get better service and an occasional free dessert. Still, for single people everywhere, I ask that you change that doggone check-in thing.