"Hoe Tell Sicks"

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because I've grown paranoid. Not like "crazy, foil hat wearing" paranoid, just regular paranoid. That and because today has just been a generally crazy day.

I've just recently started really working on cleaning my truck and trying to keep it clean. I'm not saying it's gonna be featured in Better Trucks and Gardens or anything but I've definitely been putting in a lot of effort to clean it up. 

While my truck is busy getting an attitude adjustment at the shop to go with its new look, I'm laid up in a hotel again. Normally this would mean I'm mostly just laying around in bed but I can't this time. In fact, I'm considering sleeping standing up. Maybe I should see about just renting a stall at a local stable. I've a feeling I'd be more comfortable that way anyway. I like oatmeal, raw oats can't be too bad. 

Instead, the shop recommended a Motel 6 about a half mile away. They know that we drivers are going to be into them for thousands of dollars so they send us to hotels/motels that are inexpensive. I'm guessing it's their way of helping us save enough to be able to eat. 

The Motel 6 right next to the strip club. "Inexpensive" they called it. Clearly a nice way of saying "cheap and questionable". As the guy pulled up to the office and offered to wait to make sure they had rooms I responded "well, if they don't right now I'm sure they will when someone's hour is up." The driver chuckled but I was serious. 

There were strippers walking to work, some apparently exercising between trips to the main stage (no one dresses like that in public this far from a beach or nudist colony), and several people with markers and cardboard on the sidewalk. I'm fairly certain there was even a guy picking through an ash tray. It was like being in front of a methadone clinic. 

I should've known it was a bad sign when the guy behind the 2" bulletproof glass that serves as a front desk was wearing a shirt identifying him as maintenance. Considering he openly informed me that he had to help me through the window because he couldn't get the main door open, I doubt he was very good at maintenance. However, I needed a room so hopefully he could manage that much. 

"Smoking or non-smoking?" Non, please. "One bed or two?" One is fine. "Here ya go, room 214. That'll be $38.49 after tax." Okey dokey. "Did you want wi-fi? That's another $3.25." Whaa? Um. Nah, I'll be alright. Thanks though.  (I reckon a good sign a hotel is sketchy is when they charge extra for wifi. Hell, it's even free at McDonald's).

Up to my room I went. Along the way I noted that this hotel didn't smell so great. Maybe it was just my imagination though. What wasn't my imagination was the girl knocking on my door a short bit later asking if I'd "like some company." No. A pizza would be nice though. Got one of those? 

So I'd decided I'd just be a shut in. I had some water and I could wait til morning to worry about feeding again. I'll just chill here in bed, read and watch tv and ignore anything beyond the walls of this room. 

About fours hours pass as I just veg out and read my book so I finally lay my clean clothes out on the foot of the bed....shower time! 

I spend at least 20 minutes standing under the hot water letting it wash the stress of the day down the drain. Nice, fresh clean clothes and I'm laying in bed finishing the last 2 chapters of my book. 

Suddenly I see movement out of the corner of my eye. What's this? There's something crawling across the blanket. Cautiously I get up and go grab one of the plastic cups and capture the rogue beast. A quick internet search confirms my fears. It's a bed bug. Uh oh. 

I take my company downstairs to the front desk and inform them I'm tired of unwanted visitors as I set the cup on the counter. All I want is a full refund. It was nice that she informed me the hotel was booked full but I had no interest in staying. So she gave me a full refund. 

So here I am in my new room at a different hotel. I've pulled all the sheets off the beds, looked under the mattresses, gone through my backpack twice and taken another shower. Yet I'm still kinda paranoid about falling asleep and being chewed on. Or getting bedbugs in my truck. No more cheap hotels for me. Nope. 

One thing I did find interesting about this came from the discussion I had with the hotel manager from the new hotel I checked into. Her advice to me? "Well, that happens regardless of hotel room prices. And you've gotta be careful about hotels in downtown areas because they get the most tourists and Europeans bring bedbugs with them." Wait. You're saying they carry bedbugs with them from overseas? You mean like pets? They put little collars on them and shit? So what, they put them in little cat carriers and ship them over with their luggage? This one didn't have a collar so I guess he was a stray. Xenophobe much, lady? 

Yes, I'm sure there are unfortunate incidents at all hotels. However, I'm pretty sure that at the Ritz-Carlton random sleazy dressed women don't knock on your door looking to make some cigarette money. Nor are there bedbugs up playing poker and doing shots. I'd think if I need to call the humane society to clear the room in advance of my arrival then those pricier hotels wouldn't charge as much. 

"Oh Sheet, It's Grog"

Molly never makes demands of me and rarely makes requests. When she does, though, it's in an effort to improve my quality of life. I appreciate that and try to make her proud when she gives me tasks to complete. 

It's usually simple stuff because I'm a guy and I have a limited attention span. Anything over 5 minutes and I might start watching cartoons and forget. Usually it goes like "honey, I'd really like it if you drank some water occasionally." 

'Mmm. Grog can drink water if it make Molly happy.'

A day or so later, "Did you have any water today?" 

'Um, Grog forget. Grog go get water. I'll call you right back, angel." Then I'll go inside the truck stop to get a bottle of water, pass by the tv room and an hour or two later she'll call.."You know I only mention these things because I worry about you, babe." Right about then I think my silence gives me away as I remember what I was supposed to be doing. I know she knows because she gives me that laugh. You know the one, guys. The one that says "what am I gonna do with you?" It's like she knows the odds are I got distracted and forgot. 

'Crap. They had the TV on. I forgot again. Grog try harder.' That's usually the point I'll write it on my hand "water. No tv til you drink water. Idiot." 

It went on like that for a few months because I work outside tarping and stuff and I sweat a lot. Something about her wanting me to be hydrated and not die. Eventually I just bought a case of water so when she reminded me I'd have it handy. And I'm proud to say I've had only 1 soda in about 2 months. (Not entirely true. I haven't kicked sweet tea yet. I'm from the south, you don't just "quit" sweet tea) Mostly just coffee and water though. I feel healthier. Considering I'd been living off Mountain Dew and coffee I think I'm doing much better now. Because she cared but she was understanding. I'm sure it was her plan all along but she let me think I came about the idea all on my own. Women are kind to us that way, they let us believe we are in control even when we all know we would still be living in caves if it were up to men. 

So today she made a request. Another valid one that's for my own good. Let me start by reminding you she's very very tidy. I'm very very...not. My truck has been referred to as a "rolling biohazard". Molly won't even get in it without a double layered hazmat suit and a flame thrower "just in case". Honestly, it is pretty bad even when I don't have the dogs with me. 

She worries about me and knows I don't sleep well. I don't have sheets on my bed and there are piles of "stuff" at the foot of my bed. Some I can identify and some even I can't explain. So much so that I don't really stretch out. According to some research that's just not healthy. If science is to be trusted. I still think "science" is a passing fad. 

The request? "You want something to do today since you're not working? How about straightening up at least your bed so you can sleep comfortably? Do something with all that stuff at the end of your bed, put actual SHEETS on your bed and try to make it look like you don't nest like a squirrel. You'll sleep better, I promise. Love you."

So I had my challenge and I accepted it. I thought "Grog will do good job and make Molly proud. Molly will smile at Grog when he done." What I didn't realize was exactly how daunting that task was. I thought I was slightly domesticated. Boy was I wrong. In my mind I was gonna breeze through this then sit back and watch a movie. It'd take 10 minutes tops. But here's how it actually went:

I walk across the parking lot to K Mart to buy a milk crate looking thing and some sheets. "I've got this." I walk in there with a purpose. "Sheets and a crate, that's our objective." I secure a crate like I've just freed a hostage. Woohoo! With the crate in hand I remember I haven't had lunch. I'll need a snack with my movie. 

Aisle 3: tuna, crackers and relish. Score! Wait. I need a drink. Gatorade sounds good, I'd like some flavor today. Orange. Got it. 

Well I've got my snacks, let's see what movies they have in the cheap movie bin. I finally settled on three titles. "Ok. Everything's in the crate, I'm headed to check out now". 

I get back to my truck with my goodies. "Crap. Wasn't I supposed to get something else? Think, man, think! Sheets." Shit. 

Back to K Mart. It's only about 300 feet so I walk in still chanting to myself "sheets, sheets, sheets" like I'm at a Martha Stewart concert as I reach the sheet section. What size do I need? Um, it's a pillow and a half wide. Let me go to the pillows to get a measurement. 

I found a nice pillow over there. My old one is pretty flimsy now so I'd better just buy a new one. I'm all proud of myself as I get to the register. "Molly is gonna be excited, you even got a new pillow to go with your..." Shit. Forgot the sheets again. How can this be so HARD?! Focus, man! 

Back to the sheet aisle. Found them. I'll just go with Full size. I'm a full sized guy, why not. So I read the package to make sure it has everything I need (like I'd know the difference)..."fitted sheet, flat sheet, 2 pillow cases. Awesome. Wait. Where'd the pillow go? Did you seriously just lose the pillow from the register to here? You're an idiot, I swear." Back to the pillow aisle. Found one a bit bigger than the one I had a minute ago. Time to go check out. 

I wait in line, put my new black sheets on the counter and my new pillow. Right next to the one I'd apparently left up there. Oops. It's alright, I like the bigger one. Molly has big pillows on her truck, I'll just try to make my bed look like hers. (That's like saying I'm gonna make a pig look like a Cheetah).

Back across the parking lot to the truck. I start pulling stuff off the foot of my bed and stack it neatly in the crate. The plan is to put the crate at the foot of the bed all tidy and shit. Good plan. Except when I start I realize one crate isn't nearly enough. 

Back to K Mart. Thank God it's close. Crates, Christian. You need like 2 more at least. They're by the pillows. Get in, get out. Standard extraction plan. You've got a black one so grab another black one and 2 red ones. Don't go all black, you're not Johnny Cash or some emo goth kid. Oh look, they have little ones too. I'm sure those'll come in handy. Grab a couple of those. Now don't look at anything else; just go up front and pay. You've still got work to do. 

So I get back to my truck. Everything is going smoothly. Stuff is either in the trash or in a crate. Look at me go! Alright, pick up the mattress and clean under it. Can't hurt. 

Time for the sheets. That's when things get complicated. 

There was an all out fight. Round one went to the fitted sheet. Apparently there's a lengthwise and a sideways. They should label them because you can only put them on lengthwise. I tried like hell but they just won't fit any other way. The mattress in my truck is fairly thin. Put the sheets on wrong and they will literally slap you in the face. I know this for fact now. Twice. And so will the mattress. How humiliating. 

Round two. I'd call that one a draw. Sure, the sheet stayed on but now my mattress looked like some four-cornered bowl. No way could I sleep on that. If it was waterproof I'd have been able to bathe in it. 

Round three. I was soaked in sweat like I'd just finished bailing hay. There was definitely some severe name calling involved though. At one point I thought I was gonna have to perform an atomic elbow drop from the top rope like a pro wrestler. Finally I emerged victorious. "Grog may need a beer now." Grog was seriously considering shots at this point. 

Flat sheet? Easy peasy. I even put my quilt on top and made it look nice. Then I started putting my crates in place. I'd been careful to get interlocking ones so they'd stay put when I drive. In theory. I'll know in a day or so. 

Alright. Now to apply pillow cases and I can relax. This is the home stretch! I get my comfy looking new pillow out of its secure case. It was all zippered into a bag that had a handle. Presumably this thing was intended to be carry on luggage I guess. "Pillow, meet your new home. This is my bed. That's where you'll be serving your life sentence. Since you came in a bag I'm gonna put you in a pillow case. Don't worry, it's black so you won't have to worry about the light anymore." (Don't judge me for talking to my new pillow, I was teetering on insanity by then).

What the shit?! This pillow case is too small. Well the other one is the same size. I'll try anyway. Yep, about 3-4 inches of pillow sticks out. Well shit. 

So I march back over to K Mart. Straight to the pillow aisle. Look, there's pillow cases but they're all white. And they all have zippers. Whatever, they show them on pillows and that's what I need. I'll take one. 

Back to the truck. I open the package, lay the "pillow encasement" next to the pillow. Yeah, they really called it a "pillow encasement" like it's for security and stuff. This damn thing is the same size as what I already had. Is this a joke?! 

Now I'm practically stomping back over to K Mart. The one cashier they had working was surely beginning to think I was casing the joint. I go back to the sheet section trying to figure out where I've failed. I find "extra long fitted sheets" (that would've come in handy an hour ago) and "extra long flat sheets" but no "extra long pillow cases". I looked up and down both aisles. Right about the time I'm thinking it'd just be easier to set fire to my bed I see a lady shopping an aisle over. Reinforcements! 

I approach her, probably looking like I'm about as lost as a cat in a doghouse. "Ma'am can you help me? I'll be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing." Fortunately, she was rather kind. "I'll do my best. What are you looking for?"

"Well, I bought this pillow but the pillow cases that came with the sheets are too small."

"So you bought a body pillow? Let's go see if we can find pillow cases for a body pillow." And away we go. She knew right where everything was. "Is this what you're looking for?"

"I have no idea anymore. I don't know what kind of pillow I got. I was trying to be fancy like my girlfriend. She's got a bunch of different sized pillows."

"Well, did you buy it here? Yes? Good. Let's go over there and you just show me which one you bought and we will go from there." Off to pillow land we went. Boy, I'm sure getting my cardio today. But we found it. Then...she made me feel even dumber than I already did. She flips the package over. "King size". Right there, plain as day. 

"So does this mean I've gotta buy king size sheets? My bed certainly isn't that big. What've I DONE?" 

Turns out there's a section to buy just King size pillow cases. So she took me over there. She was even kind enough to name the colors as she pointed to each of them. Clearly I'd come across as mentally deficient. Ordinarily I'd have been offended but I had no defense since I was too stupid to figure out to look at the package to begin with. 

Now I've got 3 pillows on my bed, each nestled in its own case. My bed is made, my stuff organized back here and I finally put on a movie. My "10 minute chore" only took 2 1/2 hours. I told Molly I completed my task and sent pictures. "Proof of life". 

We FaceTimed and I talked her through my torment as I showed her my crate system and made bed. She periodically gave me that "you're a big, dumb animal but I love you" look and even told me she was proud of me. She smiled. Suddenly it was all worth it. I think I've decided I'm just gonna buy another blanket and sleep on top of the sheets. No way am I fighting this bed again. It'll just stay made. And I think half of my task was intended to see if I could figure my way around the "domestication" section of the store. 

There should be a separate customer service counter where males can rent guides to help them buy this stuff. Like at the mall where you rent strollers but with females. "Cindy, you're up. Take this guy shopping. He has a list his Significant Other sent him with. Look at him, he's already got that deer in headlights look." 

"Cat Wrangling"

You've seen feral cats before. You know what it's like, you want to bring them in and care for them but they won't just walk up to you. Sometimes it's because they've been mistreated and just don't trust people. I can't say that I blame them, people can suck. 

I saw a white cat once with a gray spot just on its forehead. Beautiful cat. Even her meow sounded sweet. I wanted to take this thing home and make sure it was fed and taken care of. Basically show her that humans can be kind and loving. Rumor had it that someone had owned her once but was mean to her. 

I sat in a field for hours at a time for a week to just get her to get within ten feet of me. I was like a human Buddha statue. From that point I started bringing cans of tuna and leaving them about 6 feet away from me. For about 2 days she would get near the food but just watch me. She wouldn't eat it while I was that close but when I went back to my car she would. I was happy when she finally ate in my presence. It took another couple days to move the food within 3 feet. Slow and methodically I had to earn her trust. 

I'd been at this for about 3 weeks when I put the tuna on a saucer within easy reach. Every day coming to visit at about the same time. I'd learned that consistent was good. And every night I'd go home and remove ticks and treat bug bites but I was pretty proud of the progress I'd made. 

There I was with this timid feline within reach. She was tentatively eating and I could hear her purr. So I thought I'd test the waters a little. As my hand made contact she stiffened up for a second, stopped eating and turned to look at me like "easy, Trigger. I'm still not so sure about you." Then she resumed her fishy meal. I poured a little saucer of milk as a reward for her tolerance of me. 

There we were, the two of us slowly becoming friends. Every day I'd drive out to this field at 6 in the evening. It got to where Ghost, which was my non-to-clever name for her, would come running when she heard the exhaust on my rickety old car. She would already be purring most days. For all I knew, that daily tuna treat was the highlight of her existence at the time. That's the way it continued for roughly 2 months. I'd sit down, prepare her little picnic and she would purr her approval. 

Finally, after months of dedication I'd earned enough of her trust she fell asleep in my lap. Three days straight she did this. "Aha! Success!" And I tried to pick her up. Testing the waters again. Oops. It was like trying to give a manicure to a wolverine on meth. Bad, bad idea. 

So I went home and dressed my wounds unsure if stitches may be in order. The next day I went back out and hoped I hadn't screwed up catastrophically. Fortunately, when she was busy being a slinky made of razors I hadn't yelled or anything so I guess I'd passed a minor test because she seemed forgiving. 

Slowly but surely I got her to let me pick her up. And each day I sat a little closer to the car. A little over a week later she hopped into the car to sleep in my lap. She slept there all the way home. Of course, getting her into the house resulted in more scratches and a bite. But we finally made it inside. 

Over the course of a weekend I showed her where the litter box was, she showed me where I needed to move it to and we sealed our friendship with several cans of tuna which gradually became Friskies in a can. Fortunately, she liked that too. 

It took a total of 7 months before I could put a collar on her. It was a cute little pink one with sparkly stuff and I think she liked it. Eventually. At first you'd have thought I'd put a noose on her. She bucked like she was in a little cat rodeo. 

Sometimes I'd wake up with her laying on my chest and I knew I'd finally shown her that people ARE capable of love and compassion. Then, periodically, she would shit on the sofa just to show me that she would never be completely tamed. I hated the mess but I loved her regardless. 

I had that cat for 8 years until she died of old age. I could never take her to the vet for checkups because trying to get her in a cat carrier was like trying to wrestle a giant squid with scalpels for tentacles. However, I could leave the door wide open and she never left. She trusted me to take care of her because I'd proven myself. 

Here's the thing. I've said before that cats are obviously reincarnated women. I still say this must be true. I also say that sometimes you have to have the same patience. I understand that all women are different. Just like all people, some trusted and had that trust abused. Or they've been treated in ways they shouldn't have. As a result they don't trust as easily as before. One has to earn their trust and be worthy of it. 

I sometimes get frustrated but that frustration is with the people that have wronged them. Or with myself for "testing the waters" too soon and risking getting the claws or making her feel the need to withdraw. 

I felt that same frustration with the people that had made Ghost so untrusting. 

Guys, this woman is someone's daughter. She's given you her trust and her heart. When you mistreat that or take advantage you're breaking something vital in a person. How would you feel if someone were to do to your kids what you've done to this person? 

This same thing goes for both genders. You may find a true, beautiful gem but give up because it's "too much work" or walk away when the going gets tough. If you want her to earn your trust you've gotta earn hers. And when you get there, remember that she trusts you for a reason. 

You can't just win over the feral cat then take it home and abuse it. You've gotta show every day that trusting and loving you was the right decision. Too often I've seen people get into relationships then cheat. Or simply walk away when things get tough. 

If everyone respected their partners and relationships there'd be less divorce. It's a simple formula: treat one another with the love and respect you want to be treated with. Communicate. If you're unhappy then tell your partner why you're unhappy. Don't just go out and look for that "better deal". Don't lie. And part of communication is listening. Talking TO one another, not AT one another. 

If you're having a conversation with someone you wouldn't have in front of your significant other, it's a safe bet you wouldn't want them doing the same thing. If you're having to erase messages for fear your partner will see them, you're not far removed from cheating. She trusts you, man, if you don't realize how precious THAT commodity is you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. 

Value what you have, people. Look at your actions from your partner's perspective. Be good, do good and good will be returned to you. Namaste and shit.