"Wrestling With Reality"

Once again I sit at the shop. I'm getting used to this lately. So are the people at Detroit Diesel. As I understand it they're ordering me a uniform. The name tag is supposed to read "indentured servant".

This, of course, led to some arguing because I clearly don't wear dentures. Just hateful that they call me names like that. I didn't mind so much that they gave me a choice between janitor and jester. I'm clearly never going to be a mechanic. 

So I chose jester for now. Mostly because I really dig the cool hat with the bells on it. As it turns out, they preferred that too so I couldn't keep sneaking up on them. 

I'm like an overgrown kid like that. "You finished yet? You finished yet? Can I leave now? Huh huh huh. Can I?" Then I dodge a wrench or screwdriver. 

While they're working I'm waiting in the Driver's Lounge. As usual, I'm the only one in there. I'm fairly certain there's another one, one where they let everyone else sit. The odds are either Molly or the company I'm leased to has an agreement with Detroit Diesel that restricts my public interaction. 

It's ok though. I like having a private room with a tv in it. It's kinda like being in the waiting room waiting for my truck to come out of surgery. Every time they open the door to announce either progress or another problem found I get excited. So long as they never open the door and tell me they pulled a Caitlyn Jenner on my truck. His name is Willy, never to be Wilma. When Molly decided to name my truck Willy it became a joke. Like "Willy make it to the shop or won't he?"

Today Willy is here because he has a timing issue. Since I can't really afford to be broke down right now I'd say this is poor timing in addition to the engine timing. Apparently shooting flame out of my smoke stacks is bad. Especially when the truck can barely move. I can't tell you how fun it is when people freak out. 

Here I was at a steel mill all excited "look! Behold the flame from the mighty dragon! I challenge any of you knights to slay this mighty beast!" Turns out all it takes is a security guard with a cell phone. Sadly. Ruined the whole day for me, I tell ya. 

"Sir. Sir! You're supposed to be wearing a hard hat and safety vest. What are you doing?! Get down! No, you can't tear your shirt off and run around claiming you're the 'Fire God'." 

Fortunately, I just claimed it was the fumes from the unburned diesel that impaired my judgement. 

So, here I sit, released on my own recognizance, watching tv alone. This shop has the most basic of channels so I stop on USA for a minute to see what's on. Wrestling. Eh, can't be that bad, right? 

Wrong. It's horrible. This WWF stuff is atrocious. Not only is it unrealistic but I've seen better acting by sock puppets. At least they were more believable. Even more unbelievable than the acting was the crowd. 

Grown people are there. Men and women actually paid money for those tickets. These folks are yelling and screaming like they actually believe this stuff. I can see folks in the crowd with banners. Some wearing shirts and stuff with these guys' names on them. 

So these people honestly believe that a guy can stand on the middle rope and punch another guy in the face 6 or 7 times but never break skin, cause any bruises or even swelling? Seriously? Or this "7 foot tall, 450 pound" guy called "The Big Show" can't hold a guy on the mat for 3 seconds? "He hooks the leg. 1,2 and he kicks out!" Dude, you're 450 pounds. Put some weight on him; he ain't going nowhere. 

Brain cells I'll never be able to regrow. Gone. Poof! So I'll just switch to something educational. My options at this shop are limited. History channel? They don't have Discovery here. Time to get my learning on. As I kick back with a cup of coffee and prepare myself for "Brad Meltzer's Decoded: The Spear of Destiny" I hear cheering from somewhere in the building..."yeeeeah! Pin 'em! You've got this!"

Oh. That's why I have my own room I guess. 

"Ask Me Another Truckin Question..."

So I was recently informed about some "common questions" asked of truck drivers. Well you know me, I like to be all informative and junk so I figured I'd take a crack at honestly answering these things. Why not, I've got nothing better to do.

I didn't even realize people were all that curious about trucking. They usually just look at me like "where's your beard and flannel?" when I tell them I'm a truck driver. Somehow being a trucker means I've gotta look like Paul Bunyan or something. 

So people wanna know: "why do you guys travel next to each other and slow down traffic?" 

Well, there are two different situations I should explain. The first one is what we call an "elephant race". Pretty self explanatory there. One of us is trying to pass the other one. Why? Because we hate being stuck behind someone as much as you do. I can't tell ya how many times I've come up on a slow rolling vehicle and started rocking back and forth in frustration, waiting a chance to get around them too. But, by then, I've been slowed down enough that when I pop out to the left it takes a few minutes to get the gerbils runnin full speed again. What, you thought we just did it to slow down your commute? Trust me, we've got better things to do. 

Another reason you might see this is if we are coming up on stopped traffic. Then we sometimes implement a "rolling roadblock". Why? Because people just looooove hopping into the lane that's going to be closing down so they can run up ahead and cut back into line. They're in a bigger hurry than everyone else I reckon. Their lives are more important so they shouldn't have to wait in line with us "common folk". But what they end up doing is creating a bottle neck that slows down everyone behind them. Not that the people creating the problem care. So we big guys "encourage" people to merge sooner and traffic flows smoother. You're welcome. 

"Why don't you guys get over so we can merge?" Well, I could ask why it's so difficult for you guys to look at the traffic on the highway and gauge your speed and merge point. Honestly, sometimes I just maintain my speed and lane hoping that the car getting on is driven by someone smart enough to do that. Other times I simply can't get over. Try this: when you're frustrated that a truck hasn't moved out of your way, look UNDER his trailer. Do you see a car on the other side? Is there one right next to his cab that you can't see? I notice cars aren't real inclined to let us over. Must be the blinker that confuses them. 

Wanna know a couple things that frustrate the hell out of us about merging? A) when we DO get over to let a car on and they match speed with us right next to us. Oh goody, now I can't get back over without slowing this giant down. No good deed goes unpunished. 

B) when we are pretty much forced to slow down for the potato head who isn't going highway speed. They hang out right there in the perfect spot to become lunch for my radiator because he's going significantly slower than me. Then, once I drop down to match his 45 mph, he suddenly realizes he's on the highway and takes off like a missile. Invariably we are back there wishing we had .50 cals mounted to our hoods. Ugh. 

"So, like, you guys have 18 brakes and stuff, right? So you can stop pretty fast". I was asked that by a college girl once. And was instantly saddened that she graduated high school. To answer the first part: "like, no, we don't got 18 brakes." You get 2 for each axle. Thats it; that's your allotment. It's not sauce for your McNuggets; we can't pay extra and get more. That's 10 brakes for most trucks. Sound like a lot? Your 2,000 pound car has 4. My 80,000 pound truck has 10. Guess who can stop quicker. 

The second half of the question is what saddened me. See, there was this guy named Isaac Newton. He developed a few laws regarding physics and motion. His third law relates to a thing called "inertia". "A body at rest remains at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A body in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force" (I'm paraphrasing because I'm too lazy to look up the exact quote but I think that's pretty close) Bottom line: my truck has brakes. (The outside force to act upon the body in motion). The 46,000 pounds of steel pipe I'm carrying, not so much. (No outside force to stop that 65-70 mph of forward motion). Therefore: I stop but IT wants to keep going. I'm directly in front of it. I bet you'd ease this thing to a stop too. 

Here's an experiment I suggest to people: go home, get a hand full of dried spaghetti noodles. Make sure it's all evened up on the ends. Now, shake your hand up and down like you're shaking a soda before you give it to someone. Those noodles in the middle? That's what happens to our freight. Inertia. 

Ya know, I bet if they taught it that way in school it'd be easier to learn. "Class, what did Newton teach us about inertia?" That your noodles make a mess of your noggin when you stop too quick. 

Next question: "why don't you guys stop to help people on the side of the road?" Couple simple answers really. First and foremost: ain't nobody got time for that. 

Used to be that there were big warehouses for storing stuff and they'd just shuttle it over to the stores. Now we have what's called "just in time" deliveries. If I've got something on my truck today then someone needed it yesterday. 

Also, what am I gonna do? Seriously. I'm not mechanically inclined. I'm gonna pull over and go "yep, that looks broke. You should call a tow truck." What good is that gonna do you? 

Still want another reason? Ok. See the previous discussion on inertia. So I see your car on the shoulder of the highway. By the time I bring this beast to a stop I'm a mile past you. Want me to jog back and tell you to call a tow truck? As nice a gesture as it would be, you know you'd want to slap me. 

Yeah, trucks used to stop to render aid. Of course, now we have things like cell phones. If yours doesn't have a signal mine won't either. I suppose if I weren't in a hurry I could hang out and keep you company. Set up a grill and wait for more people to stop. Maybe have a block party while we're waiting for your tow truck. But then I don't see people in cars pulling over to help me tighten straps. Where's the love? 

"Why do you guys run red lights? Don't you know that's unsafe?"

Yeah, it happens sometimes. Know what's more unsafe sometimes? Trying to stop. I finally get this thing back up to 45mph and I get to a light just as it flashes from green to red. Sometimes that yellow is so quick it's like a muzzle flash. So I've no choice but go through the red light. Inertia again. Damn you, Newton, with your laws of motion! 

I suppose I could lock up my brakes, skid through the intersection, take up all four lanes trying to maintain control and finally stop while spilling my freight everywhere. But you're gonna like that option a lot less when I block off the road for most of a day in all directions. If I think I can make it through there without killing anyone then I'll lay on my air horn and not even try to slow down. Oh, by the way, make sure to look both ways before taking off at a green light, folks. Just like they taught you. 

Final question: "you guys are horrible. Why do you run over animals? Why don't you swerve?" My rule? If it's got more than 2 legs I'm hitting it. 80,000 pounds moves best in a straight line. It's that simple. If Rover got out of the yard and ran out in the street, I'm sorry but Rover is a goner. Big trucks aren't known for their remarkable maneuverability. And if you swerve to miss a cat and run into my truck? There's a good chance I'm gonna lay hands on you. You'd have been better off hitting Fluffy, I'll tell you that right now. 

Yes, I love animals. It sucks when I've gotta run one over. If I see it in time to safely avoid it I will. Most of us will. I don't want to risk damaging my truck or have to deal with the clean up afterward. But I'm not gonna wreck my truck for a cat either. One life down, 8 to go, kitty. 

Now I always welcome questions and suggestions. I also welcome you to share these tips with your friends. So, the next time you're doing shots of 151 at a party and someone asks about physics, you feel free to tell them all about Newton and how he screwed it up for everyone with these ridiculous "Laws of Motion". They'll probably thank you as they toss back another shot. You'll be the hero and they'll be better informed. Everyone wins. You're welcome. 

"The Hypocrisy of Kim Davis"

Sometimes I like to get out of my truck to eat. It's good to get out in public and see how "the normals" live occasionally. I dress up in my "regular people" clothes that Molly got for me. Under Armour shirts, nice jeans, even a nice button up shirt over the t shirt like "look at me, I'm blending in". 

Don't get me wrong, we've compromised and I still get to wear my canvas Doc Martin's high tops. Or my Doc Martin's boots. So long as I'm wearing long pants and people can't really see my shoes. I can't express enough how much she really doesn't like my Kung Fu slippers or plaid wing tips. So the Docs are a decent enough compromise. I'm sure, in time, my other shoes will mysteriously "vanish" and more...acceptable shoes will appear. It'll be like the Bermuda Triangle of footwear. 

So, anyway, here I am dressed up all fancy with my "goin' out" clothes on and sitting at the main counter at the truck stop diner. Strategically placed to be able to interact with multiple people at once. If I'm gonna run for President then I need to practice my "smiley glad hands" persona. 

Directly across from me is a fellow truck driver. I figure I'll listen to his attempts to pick up the waitress behind the counter. It was interesting. And it got more interesting as more people showed up. 

I'm watching this guy across from me just laying it on as he goes. Now he looks to be in his mid 60's and Lisa, the counter girl, is probably early 30's. He's telling her that he's headed to Iowa or Virginia or something tomorrow. I wasn't paying attention, really, to where he was heading but I did catch that he could take her to 5 or 6 Lenny Kravitz concerts because he was hauling equipment for the shows. Every advance he made, she rebuffed. It finally culminated in her telling him she was married. That seemed to stave off the last of his attempts. 

When she walked off he and I got to talking about the concerts and stuff he's seen. Like most of us truck drivers he really just wanted conversation. I get that. I'm the same way. Being in a truck is almost like being institutionalized. 

As another couple drivers came in the talk turned to politics. I may have gently nudged the conversation in that direction. I mean, I did have a personal agenda there. I can't get people talking about my campaign if I don't get them started. 

It was going pretty smoothly. Even Lisa was taking part in the conversation. I'm no real public speaker because of my antisocial way of talking but it was starting to flow kinda naturally. I even had a couple people sitting in booths move to the counter. I'll admit, I was kinda proud of myself. 

It didn't take long before the conversation turned to the ongoing story about Kim Davis, the County Clerk who's refusing to grant marriage licenses to same sex couples. She states it's because of her religious beliefs. Ole Toothless, the concert driver, just HAD to know my stance on this. 

Oh good, we're going to mix politics and religion in public. This should be interesting. Crap. I'm gonna get in trouble no matter which direction I take. Well, here goes:

"Our constitution is pretty clear about separation of Church and State. However, for decades we've ignored this at our own peril. The ambiguity in the rule itself sets us up for failure. It's a slippery slope and we didn't merely "slip" down it, we got a running start like Evel Knievel jumping Snake River. (How's that for an obscure reference these days?) 

We set up a tax system and excluded churches. This made religion profitable. Which, by default, gave them money and power. Anything in America that generates that much revenue becomes powerful for the wrong reasons. Even within the church, power corrupts.  And that's what we've done here, with today's situation. We continue to violate the Church and State separation. 

Here's someone who claims to have strong religious convictions working in a field governed by the State. Whether she agrees with the law or not is immaterial. If she feels she can't perform her legal duty for religious purposes then she should seek other employment. 

Again, separation of Church and State. You can't have it both ways. If you don't want the government running your church then you can't cite religion as an excuse to break the law. Religions have been warring for millennia to no avail. The laws of the country are to govern your body, not your soul. 

Now, subsequently, I also believe the church is part of the problem. Because of its power. In an effort to gain followers, and therefore more financial gain, the church corrupted itself from the outset. And now people can claim 'religious belief' for or against pretty much anything. The palimpsest of the texts and tenets themselves for the sake of conversion creates muddied morals and principles. Sadly. 

The church wants to not be governed by the State yet wants to assert itself in the laws made by the State. If the church wishes to govern itself then it shouldn't meddle in State affairs. If it wishes to do so, then it should be taxed and treated as the business it is. 

Arguments can be made both for and against just about anything based on religion. The ironic part is that among her duties is filing divorce papers. Did she not know, the first time she filed those, that this job would violate her religious convictions? I find her excuse invalid and I hate when people pick and choose which parts of the Bible they'll stand behind."

There was only one argument against me. One of the guys at the counter said I must be gay and "homosexuality is an abomination". Well, tell ya what, you show me the passages that say "homosexuality is an abomination but divorce is ok" and I'll show you where it says the only way out of marriage is death. And, if you like, we can look at where it says God loves all his children. I missed the part where it listed the ones he hates. 

To his credit, he spent 10 minutes looking. I even offered other options. "Well, is there at least a section about marriage licenses? It's been a while since I read the Bible, my memory may be rusty. Or, do you think maybe it's possible this Davis chick has a personal belief the laws don't apply to her?"

It's pretty simple really. If you're a vegan and believe eating meat is immoral would you take a job at a slaughterhouse? If you did you can't refuse to do your job and expect there to not be repercussions. It doesn't make you a hero, it makes you an idiot. Get a different job. One that doesn't violate your beliefs. 

I bet this lady is one of those "Jesus is the reason for the season" people who doesn't realize: A) Jesus wasn't born in the winter and B) Christmas, or "Christ's Mass, was the catholic adaptation of Saturnalia, a pagan celebration that culminated in a human sacrifice on December 23rd. They eventually phased out the human sacrifice part while gaining followers. Sheer genius. 

What's her "religious conviction" on human sacrifice and pagan rituals? Hhmm. She's no hero. 

Logically, if the church were still smart, they'd use same sex marriage as a way to rewrite the texts again (that's what the church does, it's good business) and incorporate  homosexuals. 

More followers, more financial gain and power. But the power they already have has blinded them to how they gained power to begin with. They're missing a great opportunity to grow again and become stronger. 

Look, folks, I'm not arguing for or against Christianity. Your beliefs are your own. Personally, I believe that as inured as we've become to violence and unethical behavior, we could use a Higher Power. I believe that if someone else's lifestyle doesn't have an impact on your life, why try to prevent happiness. I AM saying that when you pick and choose which laws to obey and which sections of the Bible suit you you're weakening your own religious argument.